


Liar Liar

by dancingassassin



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Hanzo Shimada, Cameos, Canon-Typical Violence, Deadlock McCree, Enemies to Lovers, Frottage, Hanzo is younger than Jesse in this, M/M, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Original Character(s), Psychological Torture, Slow Burn, Switch Hanzo Shimada, Top Jesse McCree, Torture, Yakuza Hanzo Shimada, young mchanzo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-11-14 06:57:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 47,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11202807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingassassin/pseuds/dancingassassin
Summary: Hanzo is sent on a solo mission to Santa Fe to gain information on the Deadlock Rebels. Things are going well until he goes into a bar called The Rusty Bullet as a means to get more information.Basically - a 'what if Jesse wound up staying with Deadlock' sort of deal. Hanzo is younger than Jesse in this story because I feel it suits the story better.The rating is largely because of later content and torture. Individual chapters will have warnings in the notes.Story will update when I feel like it~





	1. I’m asleep but wide awake, a nightmare on repeat

**Author's Note:**

> part 1 - _I’m asleep but wide awake, a nightmare on repeat_
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: physical torture, strangulation, psychological torture
> 
> Cameo by Ludger Will Kresnik from Tales of Xillia 2. Chapter title taken from the Kamelot song 'Insomnia'

# Part 1 – _I’m asleep but wide awake, a nightmare on repeat_

 

Hanzo had no idea how long it had been since he’d been taken. His sense of time had faded completely when he’d been thrown into a dark room. Of course, they’d taken his phone before they imprisoned him. It couldn’t have been more than twenty-four hours though. If it had been, Hanzo’s stomach would feel like it was eating itself from hunger. That, and he’d be feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. His mind was fuzzy, but he didn’t have the drunk feeling he associated with too many hours awake.

He had to wonder how long Deadlock was going to let him stew.

Hanzo was aware of the tactic they were attempting to use – he’d used it before as well. While he was genuinely scared by the situation he found himself in (and how the elders were going to react once he was home), this strategy was largely ineffective on him. Hanzo had been spending a good amount of time meditating and mentally going through kata. He wasn’t fixating on the situation or what they’d to do him.

Hanzo genuinely doubted that Deadlock was going to be able to do worse than what the elders had inflicted on him through his life.

Thus far, Hanzo had been left completely alone. The room was basically a closet in terms of size – the only accommodation being a toilet. The floor was tile, but there was a coarse rug or blanket strewn across the floor. Hanzo couldn’t be sure which because the room was completely dark save for the sliver of light from the gap between floor and door. The door was locked and heavier than he would have anticipated – he suspected how the door opened was controlled by some sort of electronic mechanism.

The biggest surprise about his situation was that he was unbound.

Hanzo would never leave a potentially dangerous captive unbound – even if they were sporting a potential concussion. Either Deadlock was stupid enough to believe Hanzo was done trying to escape, or cocky enough to believe he’d be easy to handle. Neither option left a good taste in his mouth.

His thoughts were interrupted by a mechanical hissing that seemed to emanate from the door. _Guess that confirms that theory_. Hanzo pressed his back against the wall furthest from the door and shifted to a position that was easy to move from. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest choice, but Hanzo wasn’t about to sit back and accept that he was Deadlock’s captive. He had to get back to Hanamura and find out who was spilling Shimada secrets. He needed to find out who had sold _him_ out.

The sliver of light slowly grew and then brilliant, blinding light flooded the room. The sudden brightness confirmed that Hanzo was, indeed, concussed as the light nearly caused him to topple over. Somehow Hanzo managed to keep his wits and balance and then launched at the door like a missile.

The man who had opened the door clearly hadn’t been expecting that. Hanzo’s knees collided with his chest and the men hit the ground like a sack of bricks. Hanzo didn’t pay him any mind – he was on the ground and not getting up any time soon. He was no longer a threat. He broke into a sprint with his hand partially shielding his eyes from the overly bright lights that ran along the ceiling. He had no real idea of where he was going, all he knew was that he needed to get away. And that Hanzo needed to do so _quickly_.

Each step made it feel like his brain was expanding and trying to shatter his skull. And while hunger and thirst hadn’t been bothering him while he was sitting still, now Hanzo was acutely feeling both. He had never been one to handle hunger well. He stumbled with a groan and caught his balance by bracing one hand against the wall. He could afford a couple seconds of rest. It was needed; he was starting to feel a bit dizzy.

A klaxon-like alarm blared through the hallway and Hanzo nearly fell to his knees from the sheer, overwhelming volume. The man he had left on the ground must have raised the alarm. It seemed that Hanzo’s momentary break was over. Lingering in one place was a recipe for being caught. Again.

Hanzo groaned as he forced himself to start moving again. The floor felt like it was tilting with each step even though he knew it was a flat surface. Or relatively flat. He could hear more people moving around now – that meant he’d need to move faster. Yet each time he tried to increase his pace, he stumbled and nearly fell flat on his face. _Keep moving, get home, get out of here!_ The thoughts were a constant mantra in his mind.

He could see a door looming in the distance – freedom. He was almost there; he was so close he could practically taste it. Hanzo pushed off from the wall and started running again. His vision went fuzzy around the edges, but he shook it away as well as he could. _Just a little bit further, just a little bit…_ He could do this, he knew he could.

Hanzo rubbed at his face as he ran to try and keep his mind clear. His balance wavered and he ran into something solid. He stumbled back a few steps and groaned – his head injury had to be worse than he initially thought for him to be this out of it. He _rarely_ lost his situational awareness to the point that he ran into a wall…

“We’ve gotta stop meetin’ like this darlin’.” The voice was all too familiar at this point – warm and drawling as well. There was amusement in the man’s tone, but Hanzo knew that when he saw his face, that his eyes would be cold.

Hanzo lowered his hand from his face and was greeted by the sight of Jesse McCree standing before him. The man wasn’t so big that he filled the hall completely, but he was enough of an obstacle that Hanzo was pretty sure he wasn’t going to get to the door.

“Get out of my way.” Hanzo spat the words out like they were poison. He wasn’t going to beg to be released, he wasn’t going to give Deadlock the satisfaction of getting him to that point.

“Pretty damn impressed that ya got this far…” McCree’s hand was lazily resting against the holster of his gun – Hanzo took that as a reminder about who was in charge in this situation. “’specially with that head wound. Now why don’tcha come back with me nice and easy-like?”

“Like hell I will!” Hanzo’s lips pulled back into a snarl as he pushed past his pain and started to break into a run again.

Before he could really get started, sudden pain flashed through his body and he collapsed forward against the damn cowboy. Hanzo choked out a gasp and clawed at his ribs. The wind was knocked out of him and he wasn’t entirely sure that his ribs were completely intact anymore. He wheezed as he tried to get control of his breathing while fighting against McCree’s grip, but he couldn’t do both. The more he struggled, the less air he was able to take in. He squirmed hard when McCree grabbed him around the waist and hefted him up onto his shoulder. He tried to speak, but all that came out of his mouth was a grating gasp.

“If I was a petty man I’d be gettin’ pretty peeved that you keep underestimatin’ me.” Again, McCree’s voice sounded amused. He was either avoiding or eating everything that Hanzo threw at him with no pained reactions. “I was tryin’ to be nice, dragonfly. Lettin’ you be unbound. It’s a shame you decided to ignore that kindness.”

Hanzo slammed his fists against McCree’s back and tried to kick, but nothing was working. Each action was just serving to wear him out faster and made his pulse throb in his temples. “Let me go! Just…fucking…”

“No can do, sugar. I’ve got orders to keep ya here. Not my fault you let yourself get caught.”

Hanzo growled and struck McCree’s back again, but once more, it did nothing. He hadn’t _let_ himself get caught. He’d been overpowered and overwhelmed…there was a difference. He knew the clan wouldn’t really see a difference either, but he held the distinction in his mind. He fought the entire time that McCree wrestled him into a pair of cuffs and even resorted to biting him – he delighted in the fact that McCree yelped in pain. _Serves him right for saying I **let** myself get caught._

Hanzo slumped back against the wall and sighed. His first solo mission outside of Japan and he gets captured. He was going to have hell to pay once he got home…

 

* * *

 

It was been Hanzo’s first trip – alone – to the United States. It had been a big deal. The Shimada family had been notoriously protective of their sons due to the family business. The family business being a criminal empire. The protectiveness had increased after the death of Hanzo’s mother. But once he had turned 18, his father and the elders had decided that he would go on a solo mission to the United States to gain information on one of the gangs they had dealings with – Deadlock.

Things had been going relatively smoothly – Hanzo was getting acclimated to Santa Fe and the hot weather. He’d managed to find a few of the local Deadlock hangouts, which hadn’t been particularly difficult given that their emblem was emblazoned all over the establishments. It had been painfully obvious that Hanzo wasn’t going to be able to go in wearing what he’d brought with him. He’d been smart enough to avoid bringing traditional clothing for his everyday wear, but the clothing he’d brought wasn’t right. Most of the locals were wearing ripped jeans and leather jackets and Hanzo didn’t have anything like that. He had the smart suits that he wore on jobs in Japan.

Now that he had more appropriate clothing, he was going to try and enter one of the establishments. Hanzo just needed to get some vague information to show that he’d been making progress. His plan was to go to the bar multiple times, so he would become a fixture. Something normal. _Then_ he could start gaining real information. The people would start opening up more.

Hanzo glanced down at the torn up black jeans that clung to his legs far more tightly than he’d usually wear out and about. He could practically hear Genji praising him for being daring. Add in the tight fitting blue shirt and the leather jacket and maybe, just maybe, Hanzo was going to blend in a little. He snapped a selfie and sent it off to his brother just so Genji would believe him. And maybe Hanzo wanted to show off that he was looking good – he was allowed to be a bit vain from time to time.

 

 **[text: from Sparrow. Sent: 9:13pm]** look at you! a piercing or two and you’ll almost look cool

 

 **[text: to Sparrow. Sent: 9:15pm]** you suck -.-

 

 **[text: from Sparrow. Sent: 9:20pm]** you know you love me ;p

 

Hanzo rolled his eyes and shoved his phone into the pocket of his far-too-tight jeans. He needed to stop delaying; putting off what he needed to do would only make him more anxious about the whole thing. Being nervous wasn’t going to make attempting to blend in easier.

The walk to the establishment – The Rusty Bullet – didn’t take long at all. The exterior of the building was beaten up with a flickering, neon sign proclaiming their name in a bizarre shade of orange. Working up the courage to enter was a different story. Hanzo watched multiple people enter and exit, each of them looking more intimidating than the last. _I shouldn’t be intimidated by an American biker gang, I’m in the yakuza…_

Eventually, Hanzo shook off his nerves and entered The Rusty Bullet. The interior was just as beaten up as the exterior and smelled vaguely of old fryer oil, stale beer, and body odor. It was wholly unpleasant. One of the walls had a huge Deadlock symbol spray-painted in black and red. Everything seemed like it was on the verge of falling apart and no one seemed to care. The array of people inside was vast and varied. There were many people – mainly men – close to Hanzo’s age. They were the sort of people that looked like they had never experienced the finer things in life. They weren’t just rough around the edges, everything about the seemed rough. While Hanzo was kind of blending in, he was dressed in what appeared to be the extreme conservative side of things. Apparently Genji was right – a few piercings and maybe, just maybe, he’d actually blend in.

No one was checking IDs, which Hanzo was grateful for. The family had orchestrated a fake ID for him as a precaution, one that stated his age as 21, but Hanzo wasn’t sure of the quality. It seemed that the staff (if there was staff) didn’t actually care about that sort of thing. Maybe The Rusty Bullet was run by Deadlock rather than just being frequented by the gang members. He wasn’t sure if that was a boon or a curse yet, but Hanzo figured it might make gathering intel a little easier.

He took a seat on a stool at the far corner of the bar. The seat was close to the window in case of him needing a quick escape. It was also partially in the shadows. Hanzo wasn’t entirely trying to conceal his appearance, but he didn’t want to stick out either.

It didn’t take long for one of the bartenders to approach. The man was young – he couldn’t be any older than Hanzo, if he was even that old. He was leggy, but didn’t seem all that tall. His hair was a bizarre silvery color that had to be unnatural with a chunk of black at the front and his eyes were the most incredible blue/green that Hanzo had ever seen. He’d seem utterly out of place if not for his general attire (form-fitting, tattered, and somehow managing to appear violent despite being _clothing_ ) and the multiple piercings that adorned his face (through the bridge of his nose, his left eyebrow, several in each ear, and maybe one in his tongue).

“What can I get for you, stranger?” The man leaned on the counter and smiled almost sweetly.

Again, the thought that this man didn’t belong in Deadlock flitted through Hanzo’s mind. But then he remembered a few of the more delicate looking men that were part of the Shimada-gumi and how they were often the more dangerous ones. He doubted that Deadlock would allow a man who was remotely weak to be manning a bar that looked like it had the potential to become very dangerous very quickly.

“Whiskey and coke.” Hanzo ordered it with a subtle nod of his head and without hesitation. He doubted that it would be a good type of whiskey and he didn’t really have much intention of drinking the whole beverage, but it would help him blend in. He put down too much money on the counter as a means to keep the bartender from asking too many questions about the ‘stranger’ in the bar.

His phone buzzed at him from his pocket and he carefully pulled it out. The only person who would be messaging him at this point in time was Genji. Or his father.

 

 **[text: from Sparrow. Sent: 9:50pm]** you in the bar yet? any cute guys, anija?

 

 **[text: to Sparrow. Sent: 9:52pm]** yeah, I’m in the bar. more your type than mine, but I guess they’re cute.

 

 **[text: from Sparrow. Sent: 9:59pm]** have fun, anija ;p

 

 **[text: to Sparrow. Sent: 10:02pm]** you’re distracting me, Sparrow. I’ll check in later.

 

There wasn’t a response from his brother after that message, Hanzo assumed that meant ‘acknowledged.’ Honestly, he was glad of the reason to look at his phone rather than at people. It made him look a bit more natural. Yet at the same time, Genji’s words were distracting at best and flustered him at worst. He kept his phone out even after his drink arrived.

It was hard to hear anything remotely intel related over the cacophonous music pumping from the old school jukebox that sat against one of the walls. Hanzo sipped at his drink and held back a cringe at the awful taste of the cheap whiskey. _I really overpaid for this drink…_

“Well now…” A smooth, low voice drawled from behind Hanzo. “What we got here?”

Hanzo sat up straighter – he hadn’t felt anyone approaching. _Did I get too distracted? What the hell…_ He slowly turned to face the man who was behind him and kept his face carefully neutral. The man who had spoken had to be a good few inches taller than him with bronzed skin and brown hair that was partially hidden by a Stetson. Hanzo felt his jaw hang slightly slack – an actual, literal cowboy was standing behind him. Or the stereotype of one. _Who the hell dresses like that…?_ Hanzo’s incredulousness at the man’s ridiculous sense of fashion faded when he realized that the damn cowboy was possible the most attractive man he’d ever seen before. Maybe it was the cocky smirk on his face, or the dangerous glint in his eyes; Hanzo wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he was physically attracted to a walking stereotype.

“Excuse me?” Hanzo tilted his head as the cowboy stepped a little more into the light. A large, gold belt buckle glinted in the light – it was the Deadlock symbol. And now that the cowboy was closer, Hanzo could see the tattoo that was on his left arm – also of the Deadlock symbol. He wasn’t sure if he should be pleased or frightened at this point. Maybe a little of both. What he was sure of was that he needed to stop finding the damn cowboy _attractive_.

“You don’t look like you’re from around these parts.” The cowboy slumped onto the stool next to Hanzo with his legs spread just a bit too far apart. “Not often we get strangers in The Rusty Bullet.” The smirk was still in place, it was almost playful in nature. “Ludger!” When the piebald man didn’t respond, he sighed and spoke slightly louder. “Hey Luds, grab me a bourbon, won’tcha darlin’?”

The bartender who had helped out Hanzo – Ludger, apparently – nodded and darted off to grab the cowboy his beverage. Up until that point, Ludger had appeared to be one of the people in charge of The Rusty Bullet – but apparently that wasn’t truth. If Hanzo had to take a guess, he’d bet on the cowboy being one of the people who was in charge here.

The cowboy’s attention drifted back to Hanzo and that simple action had heat rising up Hanzo’s cheeks. _This is ridiculous…I’m an assassin, I shouldn’t be getting flustered by some stupid cowboy._ “I am not from around here, no.” He didn’t feel any danger in divulging that he wasn’t from around Santa Fe. He figured that much was plainly obvious.

“Well, little dragonfly, welcome to The Rusty Bullet. I’m Jesse McCree, I’m in charge of this establishment.” McCree held his gloved, right hand out to Hanzo for a handshake.

 _I should not like that he’s calling me dragonfly._ Hanzo took Jesse’s hand into his and gave a firm handshake. It was the handshake he used when dealing with other yakuza or foreign gangs, one that showed that he was not someone to be trifled with. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. McCree. My name is Killua Botto.” He used the western order of names just for convenience.

Genji had helped Hanzo pick out a fake name for this mission. Killua was a character from an anime that they both enjoyed. Botto…well…it was bot. Kill bot. Somehow they thought that was fitting. That, and said anime character was from a family of assassins. They thought that was also quite fitting.

“Just call me McCree. Nice to meetcha, Killua.” Jesse’s face twisted in confusion and then he started chuckling. “Anyone ever say your name sounds like alcohol? Kahlua.”

Well, Hanzo would rather someone equate the name with alcohol rather than the anime it actually originated from. “No one has mentioned it yet.” He reached for his glass and swirled the ice around before taking a small sip. He managed to keep his expression calm and neutral when the burning of the whiskey hit him. _Why can’t they just have saké …? At least I know I can handle saké without coughing it up everywhere…_

“What brings you ‘round these parts, darlin’?” Jesse murmured a thank you to Ludger once his glass of bourbon was dropped off. An amount of money was placed on the counter and then the poor bartender was running off again.

Hanzo realized that Ludger was keeping his distance. It wasn’t that there were a lot of customers hanging around; it was that he didn’t want to interrupt Jesse talking to someone. Somehow that didn’t leave a good taste in Hanzo’s mouth. He shook away the less than pleasant thoughts and kept his mind in the here and now. His phone buzzed again and he looked down out of habit. Another message from Genji, but Hanzo wouldn’t be checking it now. Just in case.

“Mm, just needed a change of scenery.” Hanzo leaned his elbows on the counter and rested his head on the palm of one of his hands. He swirled the liquid in his glass again and kept his eyes on Jesse. Somehow he felt that if he took his eyes off of Jesse he was going to be in trouble. “Needed a break too.”

“Well, I’m guessin’ Santa Fe’s not quite like where you’re from, dragonfly.” Jesse took a long swig of his drink and then very obviously checked Hanzo out. His smirk was still in place, but somehow it felt like his expression was shifting. “See…there’s this thing, sweet pea…” He reached out and trailed his fingers along the back of Hanzo’s left hand. “People don’t walk on in to The Rusty Bullet unless they’re part of Deadlock.”

Hanzo’s breath caught in his throat and his grip on his drink glass tightened enough that his knuckles were turning white. He knew that the right thing was to not react, to play dumb, but all of his instincts failed when he realized that he was basically cornered. Yes, there was the window nearby, but Jesse was close enough to grab him without much issue. And that wasn’t even considering the several other guys that were in the area. It also didn’t take the fact that most of them were likely heavily armed and that Hanzo wasn’t carrying visible weapons. There was a knife sheathed against his spine and one in each boot, but otherwise he was without weapons.

It certainly wasn’t enough to get him out of a bar full of gang members unscathed.

“What’s Deadlock?” Hanzo didn’t have to reach far to make himself sound anxious and fearful. He genuinely was a bit afraid. Despite that fear, he was tempted to unlock his phone to try and shoot a message to Genji. An SOS. _Maybe playing dumb will keep me safe…_

“Now darlin’, don’t go and play dumb. Been watchin’ you the past couple days. You’ve been figurin’ out the local Deadlock hangouts, seen you outside of all of ‘em.” Jesse kept trailing his finger along the back of Hanzo’s hand.

Hanzo knew he should pull away from Jesse, but he was frozen. He’d spent so long honing his flight or fight responses that he’d forgotten that _freeze_ was a part of the response process as well. And now was not the time to freeze. “I really don’t know what Deadlock is…this bar just seemed like a cool place…”

“Stop lyin’.” The playful tone was gone from Jesse’s voice and the teasing touches were replaced with a hand gripping onto Hanzo’s wrist. “Don’t really appreciate bein’ lied to.” Hanzo gasped lightly as Jesse tugged on his left arm and then shoved the sleeve of his leather jacket up enough to expose a tiny bit of the dragon tattoo. “Hm. Well, I don’t think your name is Killua Botto given that you’ve got the Shimada-gumi symbols all over your damn arm.”

 _Shit. I need to get out of here, I need to…I need to get home!_ Hanzo could feel his pulse starting to race and his face starting to flush from fear. Out of instinct, he straightened up; the action had his arm trying to pull away. Jesse’s grip only tightened. Hanzo thought the message of ‘you’re not getting away’ was pretty damn clear. That didn’t mean that Hanzo was going to just give up and do _nothing_. He at least had to try. It would be dishonorable to sit back and accept defeat. Sure, he might get hurt or worse in an attempt to escape, but at least he’d have _some_ honor intact. It wasn’t like Hanzo was completely helpless, he was just in over his head. _Really_ over his head.

Hanzo exhaled slowly and tried to calm himself. He needed as clear of a head as he could manage, it would help things considerably. It was obvious that McCree was waiting for Hanzo to say _something_ or react in a way that wasn’t freezing…maybe he could take advantage of that. Maybe Jesse’s guard would be down because of that. It wasn’t much of an advantage, but Hanzo would take whatever he could get at this point.

Glass crashed against the bar and shouts erupted in the crowd – a bar fight. If Hanzo was more religious, he’d thank some sort of god. Instead, he slammed the heel of his palm against Jesse’s hand and yanked his arm away. The cowboy growled out a pained noise. Hanzo didn’t stay still long enough to see what Jesse’s expression had shifted to – he didn’t want to see. He could only imagine it was just shy of murderous.

Hanzo stumbled as he vaulted off the stool toward the nearby window. It was the lesser of two evils – he was still in Jesse’s reach – but he’d rather take chances in that respect rather than fighting his way through a bar _filled_ with gang members. He caught his balance and started running along the last bit of the bar counter. Hanzo brought his leg back and smashed the ball of his foot against the glass. He anticipated a shower of glass shards, but the only thing that happened was his leg recoiling back so hard that he was falling off balance. Hanzo twisted while he was falling. Going through the bar was dangerous, but it was his only option at this point. He managed to _not_ fall on his face and broke into a run. There was shouting – he could pick out Jesse’s voice, but he couldn’t make out what was being said. All his mind could focus on was making sure he didn’t fall or get caught or both. He launched off of another guy’s shoulder and then another’s. It wasn’t a smart choice, eventually people would get wise and just let him crash to the ground, but he could deal with that when it happened.

What he didn’t expect was someone to grab his ankle and yank him down with a surprising amount of force.

“Shit!” Hanzo flailed as he suddenly found himself without footholds and dropping straight into the crowd of Deadlock members. Before he could start moving again, strong arms crushed him close to a firm chest.

“Hey there, darlin’.” Jesse’s voice still had the playful quality to it, but the warmth was gone entirely. A chill ran down Hanzo’s spine – suddenly everything felt just a little bit more dangerous. “Never said we were gonna hurt you or nothin’.”

Hanzo struggled against the hold – he jolted as he tried to free an arm enough to push away or strike or _anything_. “Let go!”

“No can do, sugar.” If anything, Jesse tightened his grip even more. “See, we can do research too, _Hanzo_.”

It felt like the world around Hanzo froze. Jesse’s words echoed in his mind. They had done research, they knew his name. They knew who he was and they knew where he was from. His eyes went wide as the implications sank in – it was impossible for them to have known. If he was out on family business outside of Japan, he was just another yakuza. He wasn’t the heir. There had to be an information leak within the Shimada…

That was almost more troubling than the fact that he couldn’t escape from Jesse’s grip.

He jerked against Jesse’s arms and tried to bring his knee up between the other man’s legs, only for it to be blocked with _ease._ “Fuck off! Just let me go…”

“Nah. You’re too valuable.” Jesse grinned as he loosened his grip on Hanzo.

For a moment, Hanzo thought that he’d have a chance to escape. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in his fear-stricken mind. He didn’t want to think about what Jesse meant by valuable or what they’d do to someone who was valuable. Somehow he didn’t think that it would make him any safer…

The thoughts were shaken from his mind as he started trying to run away. The grin on Jesse’s face got more pronounced as he pulled out a revolver, spun it with a flourish, and smacked it down against Hanzo’s head.

Blinding pain flashed across Hanzo’s head, followed by his vision swimming. He stumbled backwards and raised a hand to hold it to his head – it felt like he was bleeding. His knees buckled and his vision started going grey around the edges. _No, no I can’t pass out here…no! No! I have to get out!_

The last thing Hanzo remembered before losing his war with consciousness was his body careening forward into Jesse’s chest. Then there was only blackness.

 

* * *

 

 

Hanzo jolted away when light flooded the room. The sudden brightness threw everything off and sent a bolt of pain through his head. He tucked his bound arms over his face to block some of the light, but it did nothing to dull the throbbing pain. He wasn’t sure how many days he’d been in the room, but he was pretty sure it was long enough that he should be concerned that his head was still aching so much. He doubted Deadlock was going to do anything to help him in that regards. Or at all. It wasn’t like Hanzo had done anything worthy of being treated well – he’d been fighting at every turn.

“Mornin’ sunshine.” Jesse – no, McCree’s now familiar voice rang out clear, like a bell. Hanzo refused to call him by his given name when he was being held captive. “Lookin’ a bit tired there.”

Hanzo bristled at the subtle jab. Of _course_ he was looking tired; he’d been locked in a dark room for god knows how long with his arms wrenched back behind his back with only enough food and water to make sure he didn’t die. He was certain he was down in weight and he could feel the scabs underneath the handcuffs. Despite his proverbial hackles rising at the comment, Hanzo didn’t rise to the bait. He just scowled up at McCree and shifted a bit closer to the wall.

“Aw, not even a response? Shucks, I thought you’d been warmin’ up to me.” McCree snickered. Footsteps told Hanzo that the cowboy was getting closer but he didn’t realize how close until he felt a large, leather-clad hand wrap around his bicep.

The next moment he was being yanked to his feet so hard it felt like his shoulder was about to rip out of the socket. Hanzo bit back a gasp by clamping his jaw shut as tight as he could. Between the light, the sudden movement, and all the time with limited space, Hanzo couldn’t get his feet under him, at least not right away. He scrabbled to get some balance, some sort of composure, but it wasn’t happening easily.

“Fu…fuck…” Hanzo couldn’t open his eyes, it was too bright, and the pace McCree had set was just fast enough that Hanzo couldn’t get his feet under him. “Slow down!”

“So he _can_ speak.” McCree snorted before giving Hanzo another rough tug. Hanzo swore he did that on purpose. “No can do, dragonfly. We’ve got places to be an’ I’m not lettin’ you set the pace. Not when you keep tryin’ to run away.”

Hanzo growled as he was pulled along. He creaked one of his eyes open, the light was still just shy of overwhelming, but he could keep the eye open this time. This hall was different than the one he’d tried to escape down, he was certain of it. Or maybe his recollection was just that off.

Soon enough, he was being shoved into a room on the right side of the hall. It was dimly lit – there was a single, dull light on the ceiling. It shifted everything to a sickly yellow color more than it illuminated everything. Hanzo’s gaze moved away from the lighting to what was in the room. A shiver went down his spine; everything in the room was far too familiar. He’d seen it back at home – but not in the place his family resided. No, it was in the area where family business took place.

Torture equipment.

He closed his eyes and exhaled on a count of five. He needed to remain calm. The Shimada clan was comprised of dragons and dragons didn’t bow before their adversaries. The dragon was indomitable, too strong to be broken. Hanzo stood as up as straight as he could manage in his current state, with his shoulders pulled back and his head held high. He would not break before them.

 “Ah…there’s the dragon.” McCree snickered and then shoved Hanzo hard enough that he nearly fell. “Guess ya figured out what’s goin’ on, hm?”

“You can try.” Hanzo’s voice had lost the hints of fear that he knew had been slipping through his mask. No, his voice was cold as steel and even as can be. Hanzo thought he sounded calm, but self-perception was different than how others perceived you.

It was an act that had been drilled into Hanzo from a very young age. Don’t show weakness to the enemy – don’t give them anything they can exploit. It was almost a form of mindfulness or meditation; calmness, awareness. To some enemies, such an act might force them to try harder, but it was usually worth the risk. After all, with what the family put Hanzo through, there wasn’t much that would genuinely evoke a fear response.

“Sounds like a challenge.” McCree’s tone had gone darker, deeper. It was enough to send chills down Hanzo’s spine for all the wrong reasons. “I’m sure I’ll getcha singin’, sweetheart.”

Hanzo merely stood up taller yet and tilted his chin up. The cowboy could try to get him talking, but it wasn’t going to work.

He was abruptly shoved down into an uncomfortable chair and given a look that clearly spelled out ‘don’t even think about moving.’ Hanzo knew now wasn’t the time to try and escape. McCree had proven himself to be an annoying opponent; he was quick on his feet and far more intelligent than he let on. Add in that Hanzo was nowhere near top condition and it was easy to realize that an escape attempt was a recipe for disaster.

The cuffs were removed and Hanzo’s wrists strapped to the chair with leather belts. They were sturdy and Hanzo wasn’t sure if he’d be able to slip them if there was an emergency. Hanzo wasn’t surprised when similar leather straps lashed his ankles to the legs of the chair. He had to wonder if the straps played into what Deadlock had in mind or if it was an intimidation tactic. He supposed he would find out soon enough.

Hanzo gritted his teeth when he felt McCree’s hands slide up from his ankles to his knees before the man got to his feet. There was an almost wistful smile on the cowboy’s face – one that annoyed Hanzo to no end. His irritation waned when he saw the communicator in McCree’s ear. So he was going to be acting on orders, or would be fed questions or methods of information extraction.

“It’s a damn shame, dragonfly.” McCree sighed while turning away. Hanzo’s instinct to escape flared up, but he quashed it down. “Don’t wanna mess up that pretty face of yours.”

Hanzo highly doubted that there would be many strikes to the face; the impact would do just as much damage to McCree’s hand. There were far more efficient methods of gathering information.

He watched as McCree held his fingers up to the ear with the communicator. The cowboy’s posture was shifting – it was far stiffer now. _Maybe he doesn’t agree with what they’re telling him?_

“Got it, _jefe._ ” Again with the dark tone, and now there was a coldness to boot. Hanzo watched him for a few moments, observed how he straightened to his full height and rolled his shoulders out like he was preparing for a fight. In a way, Hanzo supposed McCree was. “Well now, honeybee, there’s two ways this can go. You tell me the stuff I wanna know and we get to be pals or you decide to be a stubborn shit an’ try to tough it out.” He paused for a moment – Hanzo knew it was for dramatic effect. “Then we’re not gonna be friends. You’ll not like me much then.”

Hanzo snorted at that and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I don’t like you much to start with.”

“Ooh, you wound me, sunshine.” McCree snickered. “Let’s get started then, shall we?”

Hanzo didn’t bother to say that he doubted he really had a choice in the matter. He had an idea of how this would go, or at least of the type of questions that would be asked. _Why the Shimada were staking out Deadlock, what their future moves were, how much the family would pay for Hanzo’s safe return…_

“So what brings a lonely little dragon out to Santa fe?” McCree leaned against the wall across from Hanzo as he toyed with the cuff of his leather gloves.

Despite the innocuous nature of the question, Hanzo wasn’t going to answer. If he was going to be uncooperative, he was going to set the precedent right off the get go. That, and he’d have to lie, at least partially. The trip was multi-faceted, as were most of their international operations. Of course, Hanzo was there scoping out Deadlock for various reasons, but his cover story was a post-graduation pleasure trip before starting university. Which was also technically true.

So Hanzo remained silent with an impassive expression on his face.

“Aw c’mon darlin’, that was an easy one.” McCree sighed. “Just answer for me, doll. It’ll be better that way.”

 _Oh, I’m well aware of that._ Yet Hanzo remained completely silent. . It was standard interrogation procedure. They weren’t to part from any bit of information, even if it seemed insignificant.

He watched McCree’s face cloud over in anger as he pushed away from the wall. Now he got to see what type of method McCree was going to utilize. There was a dull sort of fear hanging in the back of his mind, more out of not knowing what was coming versus fear of the inevitable pain. Hanzo gazed up at McCree expectantly when the other was close enough to loom over him. Yes, he could see why Deadlock had chosen Jesse McCree for this particular task. He certainly had an intimidating presence once the flirting and grinning dropped away. Hanzo would put money on the family making a similar decision.

He kept his expression the same – almost bored looking – when McCree pulled his arm back to wind up for a hit. The motion started so quickly that Hanzo had trouble tracking it. Barely a moment later sharp pain zinged across his cheekbone. It felt more like stinging rather than genuine pain, but this was a warm-up more than anything else. Hanzo was well-aware of that. He turned his head back toward McCree and continued his silent staring. There was the thought that he was pushing his luck, but Hanzo shook it away.

“C’mon sugar, just work with me!” There was a hint of urgency in McCree’s voice, something that was boreerline pleading. It was almost enough to convince Hanzo that McCree didn’t genuinely want to hurt him “What brings you to Santa Fe?”

Instead of responding, Hanzo looked away. He had talked a little while they were in the bar, but this was a different story. Now Deadlock knew who was and any bit of information would be twisted to be used against Hanzo’s family. He wasn’t about to risk that. He cared about (some) of his family too much. There was also the fact that the elders would punish him severely if Hanzo spilled any information.

He heard McCree sigh at the lack of response followed by the cowboy’s weight shifting. It was a tell – there was another hit coming. At least he’d be able to brace himself this time. Hanzo’s head snapped to the side hard enough and fast enough that his vision greyed out momentarily. The hit had caused a blood choke. His jaw ached and throbbed – it too him a moment to realize that the strike had been a punch. Another moment later and he realized that the seam of the gloves had sliced his face open and that there was blood trickling down his cheek.

Before Hanzo could really process the pain, a hand clamped onto his throat for a moment. Panic instantly flooded his mind because his airway was cut off.  It was one of those deeply ingrained responses, one Hanzo couldn’t actually stop. But as quickly as his air had been stopped, it was given back. McCree’s hand remained on his throat – it was a power play. A reminder about who was in control.

“What does the Shimada clan want on Deadlock?” McCree’s hand was still on his throat; it was acting as a constant threat. “What does your lot care what we get up to in our own damn territory?”

It seemed the Deadlock bosses, and thus McCree, were no longer beating around the bush and playing nice cop. Hanzo had the feeling McCree’s methods were going to get more painful.

That thought was confirmed only moments later when a hand yanked Hanzo’s hair to hold him in place for another freight train punch. Hanzo gasped as he felt strands of hair rip from his scalp. And of course this punch went to the uninjured side of his face. He could feel blood dripping more freely and his vision swam for a moment. He’d taken too many hits to the head recently and he was starting to feel the effects. Still, Hanzo wasn’t going to reveal information.

“Look at you playin’ the tough guy…” McCree snorted and trailed fingers along Hanzo’s injured cheeks. “What’s it getting’ you?” Not helpin’ you any, but we know your type. Honor, duty, to protect yer family.” There was a pause that somehow chilled Hanzo. “They haven’t tried to getcha, honeybee. And truth be told, one of yer guys sold you out.” Gloved fingers toyed through Hanzo’s hair. “Why protect them?”

Hanzo’s façade faltered for a moment and he hoped that it wasn’t all that noticeable. He didn’t want to believe that the family had done _nothing_ to retrieve him, he wanted to believe that his family cared enough to find out what had happened to him. If not out of love, then because he was the heir. Hanzo didn’t want to admit that McCree had a point, that it felt like the family had abandoned him. And that keeping quiet for their sake seemed less and less desirable.

Hanzo looked down at his lap rather than at McCree and shifted uncomfortably on the chair. He wouldn’t talk, he decided. Maybe not for keeping the family safe, but for his own pride. Or for keeping Genji safe. He was a dragon, after all. Dragons were unbreakable.

“Aw…don’t look so sad, dragonfly.” McCree’s voice was issuing from behind him now. “Jus’ tell em why you’re here.”

He shook his head – he wasn’t going to give McCree any information. Hanzo bit his lower lip while he waited for the inevitable strike or whatever the retaliation was this time. A small, strangled sound escaped his lips when a hand gripped onto his throat and the other grabbed his hair. Unwanted tears sprang to his eyes at the combination of sensations. _No, I need to stay calm, I need to stay in control…I need…I need…I…_ He tried to breathe in and found himself completely unable to do so. The irrational fear response started flaring up as did his heartrate and the involuntary tears.

“I tried bein’ nice,Hanzo.” McCree’s voice was little more than a growl. But you’re bein’ difficult. Didn’t want to hafta hurt you…but looks like you’re givin’ me no choice.”

The hand was still clamped on Hanzo’s throat and the other yanking on his hair so hard it felt like his scalp was bleeding. A tear slid down his cheek as he tried to force air into his lungs and found himself still unable to do so. Hanz’s vision wobbled at the edges, slowly went greyer and greye.

 _I could die here…_ No, Hanzo didn’t want to die. He was only eighteen, he didn’t want to die! He was too young, he had dso much left to do. He couldn’t abandon his family like that… He managed a choked sob and closed his eyes tightly. Air flooded his lungs a moment later and he was rendered light headed. He struggled against his binds and continued to take in heaving, gasping breaths. He ducked his head down, not out of defiance, but to hide the shameful, frightened tears that were staining his cheeks.

“You’re stubborn as a mule.” McCree snorted as he gripped Hanzo’s hair tighter yet. “They got you real brainwashed if you’re willin’ to die rather than say something.” He huffed out an exasperated sigh before tapping the piece in his ear. “We’re not getting’ anything out of him, _jefe_. Not yet at least.”

 _Brainwashed? No, I’m not brainwashed…_ Silence filled the room and Hanzo shifted uncomfortably. Now his head was killing him, his face throbbing, and his neck was fucked over. And worse than that, it felt like he could break down at any moment. Hanzo only had a tenuous grip on his emotions at the moment. So instead, he focused on watching McCree as a means of distraction – he’d take anything at this point if it meant not thinking about his current situation.

The cowboy’s expression was growing more and more sour until he finally spoke. “No, I ain’t doin’ that. He’s done for the day.”

Hanzo blinked and tilted his head slightly as he stared. _Does McCree have that much sway here? That he can just say no to the bosses?_ Hanzo couldn’t rightly be sure, or if McCree saying no was a good or bad thing.

McCree tossed the communication device to the ground after unceremoniously throwing it to the ground. Before Hanzo could think of the implications of that action, McCree was undoing the leather straps. With air hitting the skin, he could feel how raw his wrists and ankles were. He’d been struggling harder than he’d realized – he wouldn’t be surprised if he was bleeding. No words were said as the handcuffs were slapped back on. Words weren’t needed, it was clear that Hanzo was going back to that room to stew some more.

 

* * *

 

 

Hanzo had passed out cold within moments of getting back to the dark, isolated room. His body had been exhausted from the interrogation session and the general stress of his situation. Once he’d woken up, things had shifted back to how they were in the previous days. Dark room, no real contact with anyone, crappy meals, and limited bathroom time.

At first, he’d been thrilled to have time to himself – it meant that Deadlock wasn’t actively trying to get information from him and that he’d be able to recover from the injuries he’d incurred over the past two weeks. The latter was the more important part in Hanzo’s mind – he needed the head injury to clear so he could think well again. If he could actually think, he might be able to dream up some method of escaping from Deadlock.

But after another day or so, everything that had been said during the interrogation session with McCree was coming back to him. How the family hadn’t made any attempts to get him back, how they had abandoned him. Hanzo didn’t want to believe it at all, but wasn’t there proof in the fact that he was still with Deadlock? Wouldn’t an organization like the Shimada-gumi be able to get Hanzo back without issue? He knew that Genji would be trying like hell to get him back, but there was only so much his younger brother could do. He was a minor and he was bound by the fact that he had to obey the elders.

But why wasn’t the rest of his family trying? Why were they leaving him with Deadlock? Why were they letting him stay in danger? Didn’t they realize that if Hanzo kept being defiant they might just kill him…? Didn’t they care…?

They weren’t questions that Hanzo could answer, yet he ruminated on the potential answers for hours and hours. Maybe negotiations were going poorly, maybe they were still in the planning stages, maybe they were testing Hanzo’s fortitude. But for every positive potential answer, there was a negative. Maybe they just didn’t care about him, maybe they had given him to Deadlock as a peace offering… The thoughts went on and on and Hanzo could feel his chest tightening with the effort of keeping his emotions hidden from those around him.

He shifted so he was sitting up, back resting against the wall furthest from the door. His wrists were cuffed behind his back again and his shoulders had the dull ache of someone who had been kept in the same position for far too long. Hanzo straightened up slightly and the action knocked a portion of his bangs into his eyes and mouth. He spluttered and tried to blow it away so he wouldn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable tickling sensation, but it wasn’t particularly effective. A strand of hair stabbed at his eyes and another hooked into his mouth. He attempted to blow it away again with no progress. Hanzo shifted and tried to use his hands, only to get the harsh reminder of handcuffs when his arms couldn’t move in the ways he wanted.

He cursed loudly and slammed his shoulders back against the wall. Hanzo growled, but the sound faded into a soft whimper. He couldn’t do something as simple as moving his hair away from his face – what made him think he’d be capable of getting away from Deadlock? Why would his family want to recover someone so useless?

And just like that, the dam broke. Hanzo tried to control everything like he usually did, but his resolve was crumbling to nothingness. He let out a shaky breath before it hitched and his shoulders started shaking from a suppressed sob. _I’m pathetic…this isn’t how a dragon should be acting…_ He tilted his head back and let it rest against the cool wall. His eyes were closed tight, but there were still tears dripping down his cheeks. He clenched his hands into tight fists and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands in an attempt to distract himself with pain. It didn’t work – instead, his shoulders bucked and he let out an audible sob.

Light flooded the room and Hanzo was temporarily blinded. Now wasn’t the time when he was usually brought food, nor was it the time that he was escorted to the bathroom. Did that meant it was time for another interrogation…? _Trust them to pick a time when I’m emotionally compromised to try and get information from me…_

“Dragonfly?” McCree’s voice rang out through the room – Hanzo couldn’t quite see him yet, it was too bright. “You okay there?”

“Leave me alone!” Hanzo bit the words out in a hoarse, shaking voice before tucking his face away so McCree didn’t see the tears. _Why is my enemy asking if I’m okay? They have no reason to care about my wellbeing…this is just a trap…_

“No can do, starshine.” McCree’s voice was closer now, but Hanzo couldn’t pinpoint where he was nor did he dare look up to see where he was. He didn’t want anyone seeing him like this. “…are you cryin’?”

“ _Damare!_ ” Hanzo growled out the word and didn’t care in the slightest that McCree wouldn’t understand the meaning. He didn’t want any more of McCree’s questions; they only made him shake harder, made the tears come faster. Because why in the name of anything did this _Deadlock_ guy care enough to ask about him but his own family couldn’t be arsed to try and recover him?

“I’m goin’ to assume that means ‘fuck off’ or ‘shut up’ or somethin’ like that. No can do. Kinda gotta check in on you.” McCree sighed. “So since I gotta be here for the next hour, why don’tcha tell me what’s botherin’ you? Beats us sittin’ here in silence.”

No, Hanzo really didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him, he didn’t want to admit that he was upset in the first place. He didn’t want to admit that they were _getting to him_. Hanzo didn’t want to admit that he was a scared eighteen year old who was separated from his family and didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

“…j…just leave me alone…” Hanzo voice cracked and he kept his face tucked away as best as he could. Hide away his shame.

He heard something click and could see that the room was lighter through his tightly closed eyes. It was bright enough that even with his eyes closed it hurt. Hanzo turned his body closer to the wall – he didn’t want to be seen like this. He didn’t want to seem weak and pathetic, which was how he felt. He didn’t want to be pitied.

“Aw jeez…” Despite the exasperated nature of the words, McCree’s voice sounded pained and almost sympathetic. “I’m not gonna hurt you, sugar. Jus’ here to keep you company for a bit.”

Hanzo didn’t believe that for one minute. He assumed this was a ploy to get him opening up because someone was being kind to him. After all, there was that old adage about drawing more bees with honey than vinegar. They might be under the impression that Hanzo would spill information just because someone was being _nice_ to him. He wasn’t that naïve.

“…go away…” Hanzo’s voice was weak when he spoke, a timid protest. His shoulders shook harder and he held his breath to hide another gasping sob.

He heard the door close, but could still hear the steady breaths emanating from McCree. He’d locked himself in with Hanzo. _Wonderful, now I can’t escape him for the next hour…_

“Sorry angel eyes, gotta follow my orders. You’re stuck with me.”

 _I’ll just stay silent then…_ Hanzo shifted again – he was almost facing the wall entirely at this point. He’d rather give his enemy his back then been seen in the state he was currently in.

“Must be hard for ya.” McCree mused with a sigh. “Away from home, all by yerself, and you’re bein’ held hostage. You can’t be much more than twenty…”

“Eighteen.” Hanzo corrected him out of habit. His voice was surprisingly even given how upset he was. “I’m eighteen.”

“Jesus H Christ…you’re just a kid, what the hell were they doin’ sendin’ you out on mission like this all by your lonesome?” The indignant anger in McCree’s voice surprised Hanzo more than anything else. It sounded like Jesse McCree was upset on his behalf, which just seemed _weird_. “Fuckin’ hell…I’m twenty an’ I wouldn’t want to go on a mission like yours on my own.”

Hanzo snorted, but didn’t shift so he was facing McCree. He supposed it wasn’t a mission that _he_ would have sent one on, especially not the elder heir to the empire. He would have sent a small team of people so they’d have built in backup if something went sour. Support was important…and Hanzo had been left completely without it.

It was really feeling like someone had wanted him out of the way…

“You’re only two years older than me; you don’t get to call me a kid.” Hanzo bit the words out between sniffles and muffled sobs.

“So he does talk.” McCree snickered. “Aw darlin’, didn’t mean no offense, jus’ a bit peeved with whoever set up your mission because they’re an idiot.”

 _He is angry on my behalf, what the hell…this doesn’t make sense. This has to be a ploy for information…_ Hanzo chewed on his lower lip as he continued to hide himself – he didn’t want to give up any information. Yet at the same time…talking to McCree like this was the most normal he’d felt in days. It was almost making him feel better about everything. Almost. There were a few constant reminders that he was a captive – like the handcuffs and the dull ache in his body. _Is there harm in talking about things that **don’t** deal with my mission…?_

“…they are idiots…” Hanzo grumbled as he turned a little, he’d claim it was so he could see if McCree was going to do something like attack, but really, he just wanted to be able to hear and see better. There was no shame in that.

“But you’re the heir…don’tcha have say in what goes down on missions?” McCree sounded genuinely curious.

But that question was edging into ‘actually giving up information’ so Hanzo wasn’t going to answer it. So he shrugged as much as he could when handcuffed. “Who would listen to an eighteen-year-old?”

“Hm…too much like the interrogation questions then.” McCree hummed. It seemed that even partial answers from Hanzo gave him an idea of things. Hanzo wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about it. “What’s it like bein’ the heir to a place like that anyway, Hanzo?”

“Not sure that’s your business, McCree.” Hanzo turned enough to glare at the cowboy, which got a laugh in response.

“Call me Jesse, sunshine.”

“No.” Hanzo grumbled as he tried to get comfortable again. The tears had tapered off. Apparently talking was helping some. A distraction, he supposed.

He didn’t trust McCree at all, but he needed the distractions from his thoughts. If Hanzo was allowed to think, then he would just wallow and get more upset about his situation. Everything that had been said would slowly start to sink in…and he wasn’t sure he could bear that. So he talked with McCree about things that didn’t pertain to the Shimada-gumi or his mission – things that were harmless. Every once and awhile McCree would add his own stories, but he seemed more content to ask questions and listen to Hanzo speak. There was no harm in this…it was just a distraction…


	2. sometimes I'm lost in the silence of empathy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 – _sometimes I’m lost in the silence of empathy_
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: psychological torture, mentions of parental death, strangulation, illness
> 
> Cameo by Rideaux Zek Rugievit and Ludger Will Kresnik from Tales of Xillia 2. Chapter title taken from the Kamelot song 'Fallen Star'

# Part 2 – _sometimes I’m lost in the silence of empathy_

Jesse had made sure that the lights in Hanzo’s room had been under his control ever since that afternoon where they sat down and talked. He’d also made sure that Hanzo’s cuffs were in front of his body rather than at his back. It was a small change, but he knew it would be appreciated. It allowed Hanzo to have a modicum of dignity while he was held captive. Just because he was their hostage didn’t mean they had to strip him of _all_ his dignity.

After all, if they were nice to Hanzo, they might be able to get more information from him. His ma had always told him that you caught more bees with honey than with vinegar and he figured that they could apply that to gathering information from stubborn sources. Somehow Jesse didn’t think that Hanzo was going to just spill information because they hit him some. Sure, he could tell that the younger man had gotten scared during their interrogation session, but not to the point of spilling information. Though, Jesse strongly suspected that was because of some serious brainwashing or something like that.

And because his superiors were idiots, they were insisting on trying forceful methods for getting information out of Hanzo again. Jesse had voiced his opinions and had been slapped with another person to ‘help’ with the interrogation. He knew that meant ‘actually run the interrogation’ because the Deadlock bosses though Jesse was being too soft. He wouldn’t consider refusing to do what the bosses had planned in this case to be soft – he considered that to be _smart_. Because this was going to make Hanzo hate Deadlock even more, and especially whoever the interrogator happened to be.

Not that he cared about Hanzo hating him or anything. It would just be detrimental to future plans if Hanzo hated him.

On top of that, they’d slapped him with Rideaux of all people to work with. Jesse was not a fan of the other man. At all. Deadlock was full of criminals, but Rideaux was just on a different level. He made Jesse’s skin crawl. And that was saying something. He wasn’t entirely sure what was planned out, what they were going to do, but he knew it was going to pull at Hanzo’s emotions and memories. But that’s all he knew.

He grumbled as he made his way to the interrogation room that Rideaux had chosen. Knowing the other man, he wouldn’t be surprised if there was an iron maiden hiding in the corner or some other medieval torture device. Jesse knew that Rideaux wouldn’t hesitate to use them, but that today’s subject matter was a lot less physical. No, this was far more on the psychological and emotional side of things.

And Jesse thought it was going too far, but he supposed that was beside the point.

When he entered the room, Hanzo was already bound to the chair, though this time just with handcuffs. Jesse’s brows furrowed together – that was a mistake. Hanzo had proven himself to be stronger than one would expect of an eighteen-year-old who, while muscled, was basically a twink. Well, that wasn’t _his_ problem. Not if Rideaux was the one who was conducting the interrogation proper. Guess he’d just have to watch and see what happened. It might have been mean to hope that there were fireworks of some sort, but Jesse was in that sort of mood.

“Hey sweetheart.” Jesse tipped his hand and then leaned against the wall. “Sorry I’m late.”

He watched Hanzo roll his eyes before settling back into the stoic façade he’d worn the whole time Jesse had interrogated him the time before. He was honestly impressed by the poise and composure that Hanzo had been able to hold for much of the session. He hadn’t lost it until the end. Jesse knew of Deadlock guys who cracked for less. As in, the guys cracked and spilled the information while crying their eyes out. And then there had been Hanzo refusing to say anything. Jesse had been frustrated on the day of, but in retrospect, it was damn impressive.

“Remember, I’m in charge of this, McCree. You didn’t get him to talk last time.” Rideaux tossed his long black hair over his shoulder and glowered at Jesse. “Don’t screw this up.”

Jesse held his hands up in a classic ‘I don’t want trouble’ position. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Rideaux.”

He settled back against the wall and watched Rideaux lord over Hanzo. Much like during the session that Jesse had been interrogating Hanzo, Hanzo just silently stared up at Rideaux with an almost bored expression. He had heard the rumors of the Shimada clan, that they were dragons; that they were all too strong to be broken. He’d thought it was a load of shit until he’d started trying to ply information out of Hanzo. Now Jesse was thinking there might be some validity to the myth.

“Shimada Hanzo, I see that my associate was unable to get you to say anything during your last questioning. I assure you that I will have more success.” Rideaux’s voice was cocky and Jesse found that the urge to punch was rising rapidly.

“You can try.” Hanzo said the same words that he had said to Jesse, but with a much more condescending tone. He clearly didn’t think much of Rideaux or his abilities.

While Jesse wanted to say that Rideaux was completely incompetent, there was something he excelled at – getting under someone’s skin. He would find that one thing that made you tick and then exploit it until you were putty in his hands. Jesse had seen him do it time and time again. He had to wonder how Hanzo would do it.

The curiosity was purely from a professional standpoint. He wanted to know how to get information out of Hanzo. That’s all.

Rideaux took the denial in stride and hummed. “Why don’t you tell us why you’re in Santa Fe?”

As Jesse expected, Hanzo remained silent and continued staring at Rideaux. When he wasn’t in the moment of questioning, Jesse found something completely unnerving about that stare. It was like Hanzo had seen hell and nothing they threw at him was going to evoke the response they wanted. A thousand yard stare, of sorts. It was enough to make the small hairs on the back of his neck stand on end for a moment.

“I know this isn’t your first time here.” Rideaux settled into a chair across from Hanzo. His voice was warm, conversational. Jesse knew that voice was a knife concealed in candy – he was just luring his prey into a false sense of security. “You and your family vacationed here once, did they not?”

Jesse watched Hanzo’s posture stiffen and his eyes narrow ever so slightly. _He’s responding…I wonder what Rideaux is talking about that actually has him **responding.**_ Hanzo remained nonverbal, but there was far more tension in his body than there was before. It showed in how his teeth were clenched together, how rigid his shoulders looked…

Whatever Rideaux had brought up, Hanzo didn’t want it mentioned in the least. That much was obvious to Jesse.

“I suppose that means yes.” Rideaux rolled his eyes and crossed his legs in an almost dainty way. “You were about ten at the time, I believe.”

_Yeah, Hanzo is definitely reacting…this is weird…_ Jesse watched as the man’s metaphorical hackles went up and his face shifted into a scowl. As curious as he was as to _why_ Hanzo was reacting, Jesse didn’t really want Rideaux to keep heckling him. There was a vague sense of unease creeping through Jesse’s mind and body, just the feeling that something was going to go wrong. And it wasn’t a feeling that he could shake away, it just kept lingering and needling at him. Again, he knew he should tell Rideaux about what was going through his mind, but if Rideaux didn’t realize there was something off about the situation then he was more of an idiot than Jesse initially thought.

“It must be full of fond memories.” Rideaux continued, his voice was still pleasant, as was the expression on his face. Jesse knew better. He was still using honeyed words to set a trap. “A happy family on vacation, spending time with your younger brother, your father…your mother…”

“ _Damare!_ ” Hanzo all but growled the word – Jesse recognized it was one that had been thrown at him during their conversation the other day. He still didn’t know what it meant, but context told him that it likely meant _shut up_. Closer inspection of the other man revealed that he was shaking, that his lips were twitching back into a snarl.

“Not so happy then?” The innocent tone that Rideaux was using made Jesse shiver. “I do wonder what happened…” That tone was far too knowing and Jesse was honestly wondering how Rideaux could have known anything about Hanzo’s past. “For you to react like this…hm…must have been distressing.”

Hanzo trailed off into some Japanese, more words that Jesse didn’t understand at all. But given Hanzo’s mood and expression, he could imagine that what he was saying was unpleasant and likely directed at Rideaux.

“Get on with it, curtains.” Jesse rolled his eyes. “No need to drag this out more.” _Why am I helping our captive more than the guy who’s doing the interrogation? Eh, whatever. Not like I like Rideaux much anyway._

“I’m in charge here, McCree.” Rideaux glared in his direction before turning his attention back to Hanzo. “What if I told you I was there, Shimada?” The charming smile on Rideaux’s face shifted toward sadistic. “That I know what happened when you were last in Santa Fe?”

Jesse didn’t like where this was going. He was putting things together and he didn’t like how everything was falling into place. He had the distinct feeling that Rideaux’s interrogation was going to slip into ‘too far’, and that it was going to do so very soon.

“You were such a small ten year old, Shimada, and your younger brother was such a slight, sprite of a boy. But your mother…beautiful woman. You have her eyes, you know.” Rideaux’s smile was in place.

“Shut up!” Hanzo’s voice cracked as he very nearly yelled the words. Jesse noted that he was shaking harder and he couldn’t blame him in the least.

“Oh…I’ll stop talking, but only if you start telling us what we want to hear.” Rideaux leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “So it’s on you, Shimada. You want me to stop talking about that day…you start spilling information.”

So that was Rideaux’s game. Jesse had to admit that it was clever, but he still thought this was going too far. Especially since Rideaux was talking about Hanzo’s mother. That…just struck a nerve with Jesse. He was a momma’s boy through and through; the whole reason he’d gotten tangled up with Deadlock was under the pretense of making it so she didn’t have to work as hard. Granted, he hadn’t known he was signing up with Deadlock at the time. By the time he had realized, it was too late to back out. The mere idea of weaponizing the memory of someone’s mother against them just didn’t sit well with him.

He flinched when Hanzo didn’t speak and glared at Rideaux with enough fury that Jesse was sure he was inflicting pain upon the other. Hanzo was very nearly _vibrating_ from rage.

“Hm…guess I’ll just have to continue. You should know that your vacation had an ulterior motive…your father wanted to scope out Deadlock some. Our factions had crossed paths a few times and he wanted to know what sort of people he was dealing with.” Rideaux continued in that same faux-charming tone that made Jesse want to punch him “And as you know…Deadlock doesn’t like when someone shoves their nose in our business. So we observed…and then sent a message.”

Jesse felt his stomach knot up. He sure hoped this story wasn’t going the way he thought it was going to go. But he knew what ‘sent a message’ meant in Deadlock speak. It meant that someone had died, it meant that Deadlock had done something to Hanzo’s family. And despite having done research on the Shimada-gumi, Jesse didn’t know which of Hanzo’s was still living and which ones were deceased.

“You and your brother fought so hard when we found your hotel room.” Rideaux sighed. “To think that children were keeping up with Deadlock’s finest…” He shook his head. “Still, I was the one to call for back-up.”

“Stop it! Shut up!” Hanzo’s voice broke and he slammed back against the chair he was bound to.

“Remember, you can stop this at any time, Shimada. All you have to do is tell us what we want.” Rideaux held his arms out in a broad, open gesture. He waited for a moment, found Hanzo to still be silent, and then continued. “I don’t know where your mother hid you and your brother, so selfless of her, giving her life to save her children.”

“Rideaux, stop it.” Jesse bit the words out from behind clenched teeth. “You’re goin’ too far and you know it. Not right to be talkin’ about another man’s ma.”

“You…you were there…you were…you were one of the ones…” Hanzo’s voice was low, hoarse, a growl that was barely audible. “You killed her. You killed my mother. You…”

Jesse felt the pit of his stomach drop away. Hanzo’s mother had died and Deadlock had done it. And Rideaux had just admitted to being the ones involved in that act. _Shit’s about to hit the fan and there’s nothing I can do to stop that…_

From that moment on, everything happened very fast. Rideaux didn’t have a chance to confirm nor deny if he was one of the ones that had killed Hanzo’s mother – Jesse figured that Hanzo saw him as guilty no matter what was said. Honestly, so did Jesse. Hanzo stood with the chair hanging off of his back, slammed it against the wall to shatter it, and straightened up before them. _And there’s the exact reason that I would have used leather straps rather than the damn cuffs. Rideaux’s a fucking idiot._

The cuffs were behind Hanzo’s back now because of how he’d been bound to the chair, but Jesse knew that was going to change quickly. And almost on cue, Hanzo ducked down low enough and jumped just high enough to bring his arms forward. Jesse was frozen. He knew he should do something to stop Hanzo, but part of him didn’t really want to. Rideaux had gone too far and really deserved whatever was thrown at him.

It was like the air in the room was frozen and, by proxy, everyone present. It barely felt like anyone was breathing. The moments stretched on and on and then everything shattered. Hanzo charged at Rideaux with a snarl.

“Don’t just stand there, McCree! Stop him!”

Again, he knew he _should_ intervene, but he really didn’t feel like it.

Jesse watched as Hanzo got behind Rideaux and hooked the cuffs around the man’s neck. Yet another reason he would have used the leather straps rather than the cuffs. Especially since they were dealing with a man trained in martial arts. He shook away the idea of letting Rideaux suffer – he couldn’t exactly let Hanzo kill Rideaux. He knew what happened to those who killed a Deadlock Rebel and it wasn’t pleasant. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Not even Rideaux. And he couldn’t exactly let Hanzo get away.

By the time he was moving to intervene; Rideaux was struggling to breathe and clawing at the chain that was digging into his throat. Jesse sighed and moved to wrestle Hanzo away from Rideaux. The younger man was practically spitting nails and cursing Rideaux out in Japanese – words that Jesse recognized, but didn’t understand. Hanzo had thrown them at him a few times. An elbow nearly smacked Jesse’s jaw, but he managed to duck it, somehow. Each time he thought he had Hanzo under control; the younger man slammed some limb into a part of Jesse’s body and made Jesse regret his decision to _not_ wear body armor. Eventually, he managed to muscle Hanzo off of Rideaux. Thankfully, that was before Rideaux asphyxiated – though Rideaux had definitely _suffered_. He tucked Hanzo against his body and held him tightly. It took more effort than he wanted to admit too – Hanzo was strong as hell. _I shouldn’t think his strength is hot, especially not when his fucking pointy elbows keep jabbing my stomach!_

“Get him out of here.” Rideaux barked at Jesse while he rubbed at his neck with one hand and flailed in the direction of the door with the other. “Now!”

Jesse rolled his eyes and slung Hanzo over his shoulder. “Yeah yeah, _pendejo_.” He started back toward the room that they were keeping Hanzo in though progress was slow given how much Hanzo was fighting against him.

“Let go of me, let me at him, I’ll _kill_ him!” Hanzo’s voice was rough and his fists kept smashing against Jesse’s back.

“And that’s exactly why I’m not lettin’ you near him.” Jesse sighed as he kept walking. “Would you mind _not_ damagin’ the goods?”

“Fuck off!” Hanzo’s voice broke and he kicked.

With all of his flailing, Hanzo had slipped down Jesse’s shoulder just enough that the kick was going straight for very sensitive areas. _Oh no._ Jesse didn’t have time to try and block the kick and it connected with his groin. _Tempted fate too much by asking him to not damage the goods, now he actually **did** damage the goods!_ He choked on his spit and nearly dropped Hanzo and nearly went to the ground. Somehow, he stayed on his feet. _Ugh, I feel like I could puke…_ “Mother of fuckall, you hit like a fuckin’ truck.”

“He killed my mother…let me at him. **_Now_** _._ ” Hanzo thrashed against his hold.

“…not right of him to talk like that…” Jesse grumbled as he continued toward the room. “Fucker deserved everything you threw at him.”

Hanzo went still at those words and Jesse was honestly surprised. He had expected to get a few more bruises in the process of trying to get Hanzo back in his room. But it wasn’t like Jesse was going to complain, his nuts were already aching, he didn’t need to be sore everywhere else too. Silence fell between the two of them as Jesse finally got him back in his room. He set him down on the blanket and then took a step back. The younger man was seething, but wasn’t making any attempts to attack Jesse anymore. That was an improvement. Maybe.

On closer inspection, Jesse realized that nothing about Hanzo’s posture was right. He was hunching in and making himself appear smaller. Jesse felt his chest tighten at that – it was so different to see him like that. He’d gotten used to seeing Hanzo projecting the image of being an unbreakable dragon…and now…

Seeing him like this felt…wrong.

“I’ll, uh, give you some time on your own. I’ll be back in a bit.” Jesse turned away from Hanzo – a ballsy move given the whole ‘Hanzo nearly choked out Rideaux’ business. But no attack came.

He stepped out the door and closed and locked it behind him. Jesse leaned against the closed door and heard the faint sounds of heaving breaths and soft, hiccupping sobs. _I shouldn’t be hearing this…_

Jesse shook away the feelings that lingered in his mind and went to go get some work done. He needed something to distract himself…

 

* * *

 

 

Jesse had been off on a few missions away from the Deadlock base. It had been refreshing to get some air and get out in the field. He’d been confined to working The Rusty Bullet for a bit due to an injury he’d incurred in the field and had been kept back even after recovery due to the acquisition of both Ludger and Hanzo. He didn’t mind being on base, but he started getting more than a little stir crazy. He was the sort that got neurotic when he was confined to the base for too long. So he’d jumped at the opportunity for a mission that was a week long.

Now that Jesse had stretched his muscles and gotten some fresh air and gotten some action (in multiple meanings), he was more than happy to come back to Deadlock. He had a bounce in his step as he made his way through the hallways. A few people greeted him with a standard ‘howdy’, some asked how the missions had gone, it was nice to have people saying hello after being out for a week. He was looking forward to getting back to his quarters, taking a shower, and falling into bed for the next sixteen hours. Jesse was _bushed_ from the job.

He was nearly back to his quarters when he felt someone tap his shoulder gently. Jesse stifled the reaction of drawing his gun and pressing it to the person’s forehead. No, he merely turned around with his hands set on his hips. “Can I help ya?”

Ludger stood before him looking small and young and just a little afraid. “S…sorry to interrupt. I know you just got in…but the bosses were asking for you.”

Jesse felt the small flower of hope that had bloomed in his chest wither into nothingness. Of _course_ the bosses were asking for him. That was just his luck – he was beginning to think he was cursed or something like that. But he exhaled and wilted a little. Just because he was disappointed didn’t mean he had to intimidate Ludger, poor kid was already skittish enough. “Alright, thanks for lettin’ me know, Luds. Can’t get a break, eh?”

Ludger let out a weak laugh and shrugged. “Guess not. See you at the bar.”

Jesse watched the younger man dart away like a startled animal and shook his head. Well, it was best that he not keep the bosses waiting too long. They tended to get testy and he was already in hot water for letting Hanzo beat up on Rideaux as much as he had. _Still don’t think I was wrong to let that fight keep going._

He made his way into the lounge – he knew that the bosses would be hanging around in there at this time of day. Well, at least Jesse _hoped_ they were. The bosses were pretty regular in their daily routines, so he was pretty confident. Not everyone was allowed in the lounges, so Jesse figured if the bosses weren’t in there, then he’d at least be able to talk to someone who _knew_ where they were.

He poked his head into the lounge and saw the familiar profiles of Brook Kilgore and Adina Meyers – the current Deadlock bosses. Brook Kilgore was a man who looked more like a piece of worn leather and was just as tough. It was clear that he’d spent a good amount of his life out in the sun. His tanned skin was striped with scars that stood out clearly. His dark hair was peppered with greys and his eyes were a murky brown. Even in his older age, he was built like a tank and Jesse knew from experience that he could hit like a truck. Adina was a newer addition to the Deadlock leadership – she was only in her mid-thirties or so. From what Jesse knew, she had been with Deadlock since childhood and it showed. Her body was littered with scars and she was missing her right arm – there was a high-tech prosthetic in its place. Her hair was bleached out blonde and her eyes a sharp, cruel green. She was beautiful like a viper was – equal parts grace and danger.

Jesse was terrified of both of them. But the two of them wanted to speak with him, so he would push aside his fears for the sake of work.

“Good, Ludger caught you before you tried to hibernate.” Kilgore sighed as he glanced over at Jesse. “Looks like being out on mission treated you well.”

Jesse nodded as he strode over to them with his head held high and his shoulders back. Amusing, his kind drifted back to how Hanzo had greeted the idea of being interrogated – no showing weakness.  “You know how I get, sometimes I needta get out to burn off some energy. I’m like one of those dogs that eats the carpet when they don’t get exercise.”

He internally winced when he realized that he’d called himself a dog in front of his bosses. _Good one, McCree. Next they’ll be telling you to sit and stay and giving you treats for good behavior._

Though to be fair, he wouldn’t really mind treats for good behavior. Not dog treats, obviously, but things like liquor and off time? Count Jesse in.

“I take it that the mission was successful then?” Adina hummed as she swirled liquid in a glass.

“’course it as.” Jesse wouldn’t be so chipper if it had been a failed mission. He knew better than that. He was cocky, but not on that level. Acting like that in front of the bosses after a failed mission was basically suicide. “What didja two need from me? I’m mighty tired.”

Kilgore laughed at what Jesse assumed was Jesse’s steel-plated balls, not many would be so direct with the bosses. Jesse knew what he could get away with though. “Alright, we’ll get to the point. Our guest has become listless, not eating. We think he might be protesting again.”

Jesse was about to ask which guest, but he knew which one they were referring to. Hanzo. He scratched at the back of his neck and tried to figure out the reasons why Hanzo would stop eating at this point.  From what he’d observed, Hanzo was smart enough to eat to keep himself strong just in case he was given the opportunity to escape. And while he hadn’t been happy with the way he was being kept, he seemed to know that it could be much worse. It didn’t really add up in Jesse’s mind. That meant that something had changed while Jesse was out on mission. At least that was the conclusion that he had come to.

“I take it you want me checkin’ in on him then?” That’s the only reason for this talk that Jesse could think of.

“You’re the only one who has managed to get anywhere with him in terms of him being non-hostile. I hate to ask you to do more work right after getting back from mission, but this is a job for you, Jesse.” Adina shot him a look, that might have appeared sympathetic to some, but Jesse knew better. It was all manipulation.

Jesse knew that she was right, though. It pained him to admit that when all he wanted to do was go and get some sleep, but Adina was right. No one else had made progress with Hanzo. And if his inkling was right, others had probably hindered and outright undone all the progress he had made.

He rubbed at his face, an uncharacteristic show of weakness in front of the bosses. Jesse was tired and wanted to fall in his bed, but he’d do his job because that’s just how he rolled. “Got it. I’ll get right on that then.”

Kilgore barked out a laugh and slapped his hands against his thighs. “And that’s why we rely on you, McCree. Get on it.”

Jesse gave them a polite smile and bowed his head slightly. He was waved off a moment later and he skittered out of the lounge. Once out of the room, he scrubbed at his face again to try and wake himself up some. It was moderately effective, so there was that. He started toward the room where Hanzo was being held and tried to put his usual persona on. Less effective. _It’ll have to do._

He opened the door and prepared himself to hear Hanzo scamper back away from the sound – but only heard soft, semi-labored breathing. Jesse frowned slightly as he completely entered the room and closed the door behind him. The lack of response from his entrance was concerning, to say the least. “…Hanzo?”

“…go away…” The words were weak, the voice gritty and strained. “Leave me alone…”

Jesse’s brows furrowed together. Hanzo was lumped underneath one of the blankets and pressed as close to the wall as possible. Even from where he was standing, he could see that the man was shivering. And the room just had that _smell_ of illness. Jesse was more familiar with that particular smell than he ever wanted to admit to anyone. _This is just like when ma was…_ He shook the thoughts away and took a few steps closer to Hanzo. He lowered his voice, softened his tone – so much gentler than he’d usually be with one of their captives. “Can’t leave you alone, honeybee. What’s going on?”

Hanzo made a weak sound of protest, but didn’t speak. He merely curled tighter into the blankets – which only served to concern Jesse even more. He knelt down next to the blanket bundle and rested his hand against his shoulder. Even through the blanket, he could feel heat radiating off of Hanzo. Yet he was shivering. _He has a fever…_

Jesse settled back and sat with his legs crossed. He was frowning deeply – how had no one noticed Hanzo getting sick? He could understand maybe a cold going unnoticed, but the way Kilgore and Adina had been talking made it seem like Hanzo had become uncooperative days ago. Jesse was going to be having _words_ with whoever had been watching over Hanzo for that time period.

He chewed on his lower lip before gently shifting Hanzo away from the wall, removing the handcuffs, and arranged him so his head was resting on his lap. It was ballsy, Jesse didn’t know what kind of sick Hanzo was other than ‘very’, but he needed to be able to see him to figure out what was going on. That meant risking getting puked on. His frown only got more prominent as he saw how pale Hanzo was, the pallor in his skin, the sweat beading on his brow, the _pain_ that he wasn’t able to hide. _He’s really sick…_

“I’ve gotcha, baby.” Jesse smoothed his hand against Hanzo’s forehead. _He’s burning up, damn…_ “Shoulda let someone know you were sick…”

Hanzo grumbled at that and shifted with obvious discomfort. “I’m fine.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. He knew this act, it was one he relied on often enough. Unbreakable, no help need, independent, a lone wolf. And maybe with someone else, he would have let them keep up that act. No…no he’d always recommend that someone seek help when they were ill. _Wish I’d told ma to get help…_

“You’re not fine, Hanzo.” He kept his voice gentle as can be. “You’re sick as a dog. Doesn’t do any good to hide that. It’s okay to ask for help…”

Hanzo shifted again and groaned. “Don’t trust you.”

That much was plainly apparent to Jesse. He sighed and scratched at the back of his head. He whistled to get attention of the people watching over the video and audio feed and muttered an apology when Hanzo winced. “Need someone to bring me a damp washcloth, some mint or ginger tea, an’ some Tylenol. _Now_.” Jesse tried to keep his voice even, but his terseness was carrying through.

Jesse had to wonder how Kilgore and Adina had missed their captive – their very valuable hostage – getting this ill. Had the people keeping an eye on Hanzo just ignored him when they came in? Had they done _anything_ while he was away? Did they not realize the importance of keeping a hostage well?

“Why are you helping me?”

The words jolted Jesse back to reality and his irritation faded minutely. He exhaled and relaxed his body. “Why wouldn’t I?” There were a lot of reasons for Jesse to do so – to gain Hanzo’s trust, to make sure that their captive didn’t die, because he was under orders. There were fewer reasons to _not_ help. It made Jesse wonder what the Shimada did to their heir if he was so used to _not_ getting help with things. “How long you been feelin’ like death warmed over?”

“…since about two days after you left.”

What surprised him most was that Hanzo was cooperating – he had to be feeling miserable if he was actually answering questions. Jesse couldn’t even remember how long he’d been on mission – what mattered was that Hanzo had been sick for too long. And that whoever had watched over him had been negligent in the extreme. _Gonna have words and my words might actually be fists…_

“Damn darlin’, I know you’re playin’ tough guy, but you gotta let someone know when you’re sick.” Jesse sighed – he sounded like a broken record. It wasn’t going to do any good to keep saying that over and over. “I’ll look after you. Promise.”

A moment later, the door opened and the items that Jesse had requested were brought in. He asked that more blankets and pillows be brought as well as a cot. There was no reason that their captive be kept on the floor – they were hurting him. There was also the mention of _words_ being had because he needed to figure out what idiot let this happen. Jesse smoothed the cool, damp cloth across Hanzo’s forehead and then helped him sit up. He kept him resting back against his chest for stability’s sake.

“Alright baby, I’ve got some tea for you…and something that’ll get your fever down some. You feel up to havin’ some tea?” Jesse kept one arm around Hanzo’s waist to make sure he didn’t tumble to the ground.

“…not really…” Hanzo shivered hard and shifted uncomfortably.

Jesse felt for him, he really did. He knew how much it sucked to be sick to the point of not being able to eat. He hated that feeling…it wasn’t one he’d wish on his worst enemy.

“Just a little.” He took the mug into hand and sniffed it. “I’ve got mint tea…it’ll settle your stomach some. Could you take a couple sips for me? Just enough to take this medicine.”

Jesse watched Hanzo shift just enough so he could shoot Jesse a confused, distrusting look. “…okay…but I hate mint.”

He breathed a sigh of relief and helped Hanzo bring the mug up to his mouth. The other man groaned, but swallowed the tea without much complaint. Jesse grabbed two Tylenol and put them in Hanzo’s hand. Again, the man drank down a bit of tea without complaint and then slumped back against Jesse’s chest. It was concerning that such a small action had exhausted him…but if he’d been sick that long…

They fell into silence. Jesse didn’t want to disturb Hanzo’s rest and he doubted that the other really wanted to talk. He wouldn’t press for conversation; that was just rude. Again, the door opened and a few Deadlocks carried in some blankets and two brought in a simple cot. Jesse motioned for them to set it up against the wall and instructed them to spread one blanket across the cot to act as a sheet.

“Starshine, I’m gonna move you, is that okay? You have a bed now.” Jesse ran a hand through Hanzo’s sweaty hair. He got a weak nod in response.

Jesse carefully rearranged the tea so it didn’t spill and then scooped Hanzo up into his arms. The man felt so small, so fragile, so _light_ – it was hard to believe that he was someone dangerous. He set Hanzo down on the cot and propped him up slightly with the pillows that had been dropped off. He then took to bundling him up in blankets and getting the tea in arm’s reach, just in case.

“Do you want me to stay for a bit, dragonfly?” Jesse was standing up and leaning over the cot just a little. A hand gripped onto Jesse’s shirt and stayed there weakly. Words that Jesse didn’t understand were uttered, but he got the idea. Hanzo didn’t want to be alone and Jesse couldn’t blame him. No one deserved to be alone when they were this sick. Chewing out the bosses could wait until Hanzo was asleep. “Alright, I’ll stick around for a bit, sweetheart.”

Jesse settled in on the edge of the cot and held one of Hanzo’s cold, almost sweaty hands. Every once and awhile he’d smooth the man’s bangs away from his forehead to check on his fever – still present, but lower than it had been. At least there was that. Eventually, Hanzo drifted off to a fitful sleep and Jesse started to get up. But Hanzo whimpered in his sleep and mumbled in his native language and that grip on his sleeve tightened even more. There was a pang in Jesse’s heart and he sat back down right away. _I can’t just leave him…that’s not right…_ The memory of him leaving his mother at home, sick and suffering, while he went to try and make money so she didn’t have to work as hard stuck out in his mind. No…Jesse wasn’t going to leave someone alone through an ordeal like that again.

Jesse settled in for the long haul and tried to make himself as comfortable as possible without disturbing Hanzo’s positioning. The younger man eventually shifted so he was tucked up near Jesse’s leg. He glanced down at him and felt his face soften – at least the other was resting easier now. He was just doing his job, he was just making sure the mistakes of others were rectified. That was all.

Oh, if only Jesse believed himself.

* * *

 

 

It had taken a good week to get Hanzo back into the realm of healthy. Jesse had chewed out both Kilgore and Adina and then had gone on a rampage to find out who had been watching over Hanzo while Jesse had been off on his mission. He had been significantly less polite with the other Deadlocks – and in his mind they deserved everything he threw at them. They had jeopardized whatever they were working out with the Shimada. Jesse doubted that the Shimada-gumi was going to be particularly pleased if they found out that their heir dropped dead. So he’d put the fear of god into the younger Deadlocks and mentioned just how damn lucky they were that Hanzo had come out of his sickness relatively unscathed.

There were still younger Deadlocks that were keeping their distance whenever they saw Jesse in the halls. Apparently he’d made an impression. _Good, they really needed that damn wake-up call._

Jesse had refused missions while Hanzo was recovering and Kilgore and Adina had respected that. They had also assigned him to be the one in charge of making sure Hanzo was actually cared for since apparently no one else could be trusted to do so. He didn’t really mind, even though that assignment kept him on base more than he really liked to be. As much as Deadlock headquarters was home, Jesse didn’t like being cooped up. He needed to be able to feel the sun and wind on his face and be able to stretch his legs.

He was on his way to check up on Hanzo again. Jesse had been checking in every few hours every single day for the last week or so. He wasn’t entirely sure if Hanzo appreciated the company or if he was irritated that his alone time was being interrupted. It was hard to tell if he was irritated or amused sometimes, but Jesse was getting better at reading his moods. Even if Hanzo didn’t appreciate his presence, Jesse figured that no one should be alone as long as they’d been keeping Hanzo alone.

Incidentally, that was the other reason he was being kept on Hanzo duty. No one else was remotely good at reading Hanzo’s moods. The fact that Jesse could do it at all insured that he was the one who would be looking after the Shimada heir.

He opened the door and was greeted to the sight of Hanzo sitting on the cot with his knees pulled to his chest. Jesse couldn’t help but smile a little – there were a lot of improvements there. There was color in Hanzo’s cheeks again, and this time it wasn’t from fever. The bigger thing, to Jesse at least, was that Hanzo wasn’t cowering. Many of the times that Jesse had entered the room, Hanzo had curled in on himself and had hidden himself as best as he could. But this time he was just sitting there. Sure, he was looking a bit sulky, but who wouldn’t in this sort of situation? _I’m really glad that he’s feeling better…_

“Hey there sunshine.” Jesse grinned as he leaned against the wall with his arms across his chest. “How are you feelin’ today?”

Hanzo’s expression was haughty, but almost seemed a little softer than it had been before. _Slightly_ less guarded. “As well as someone can feel when they are caged.”

“Aw c’mon, you know that’s not what I’m talkin’ about.” Jesse rolled his eyes and laughed lightly. “Physically. How are you feelin’ physically?”

He got an eye roll in response and couldn’t help but grin at that. “Much better.” There was a pause and Hanzo looked away while he fiddled with one of the blankets. “…thank you…”

“Not a problem, darlin’.” Jesse stretched languidly. “How’s about we take a bit of a walk so you can stretch your legs some? Can’t imagine you feel good sittin’ around all the time. I’d be chewin’ the walls.”

The look he got in response was untrusting and downright hostile. Jesse couldn’t really blame him for the lack of trust. After all, they were holding him hostage and Jesse _had_ tortured him for information. But, to Jesse’s credit, Jesse had been kind to him on most occasions and had gone to bat for him more than once. Granted, Hanzo didn’t know that Jesse had struck the fear of god into some of those younger Deadlocks, but it still counted in Jesse’s mind.

“…are you going to put the cuffs back on me if we leave this room?” Hanzo’s eyes were narrowed and his mouth a tight line.

“Are you gonna try and run away from me?” Jesse set his hands on his hips and cocked them to the side. He couldn’t help the semi-playful tone that had taken residence in his voice. “Because that’s what determines if the cuffs go on.”

Jesse continued to hold eye contact with Hanzo until the other man looked away. That genuinely was the only reason that Jesse would put the cuffs back on Hanzo at this point. Hanzo running would reflect poorly on Jesse and even if he was regarded well among those at Deadlock, a hostage escaping on his watch would have results he didn’t really want to think on too hard. That…and Hanzo had suffered enough in his short time with Deadlock. Maybe Jesse was trying to be as nice as he was able to be.

“…I won’t run…”

Jesse jolted in surprise – he hadn’t expected to get an answer either way. He knew Hanzo was appreciating having his hands free (who _wouldn’t_ appreciate that?), but admitting that he wasn’t going to run away almost seemed akin to admitting defeat. It hadn’t seemed like something a proud Shimada dragon would do. _Color me surprised…_

“Well, then I don’t needta be puttin’ the handcuffs on you.” Jesse grinned and motioned for Hanzo to get up. “C’mon, fresh air will do you some good.”

Another look of thinly veiled distrust was thrown in Jesse’s direction, but he shrugged it off. He was being honest – they were just going to walk a bit and get some fresh air. He genuinely thought it would do Hanzo some good to _breathe_.

Jesse waited for Hanzo to get moving – it took a bit more effort than one would have anticipated. But Hanzo had been relatively sedentary for some time now; Jesse had to imagine he was feeling a bit stiff and sore. He led him through the halls and up a flight of stairs. The further they got from the room that they’d been keeping Hanzo in, the more Hanzo seemed to be perking up. Maybe it was just general exercise that was upping his mood, but Jesse had the feeling it was being away from what was basically his jail cell.

He also noticed that Hanzo was taking great care to keep a decent amount of distance between himself and Jesse. Every time Jesse got a little too close, Hanzo edged a bit further away. It was another very clear indication of ‘I don’t trust you.’

“Got a bit of a treat for you…” Jesse hummed as he kept guiding Hanzo through the halls. He could smell a bit of the desert air from where they were, he supposed that might be enough for some people, but not for him.

“I am unsure I want a treat from you.” Hanzo responded quickly, but his voice didn’t have much bite to it.

“Aw c’mon, darlin’. Where’s your sense of adventure?” Jesse looked over at Hanzo and waggled his eyebrows. He didn’t get a response. He shrugged slightly. “C’mon, this way.” He tapped a code onto a data-pad and the door to his bedroom opened with a mechanical sigh.

“…where are we?”

Jesse paused and looked over at Hanzo. The man had gone rigid. His arms were crossed tightly over his chest and his jaw was clenched to the point that Jesse swore he could almost hear his teeth cracking.

“My room.”

Apparently that was the wrong answer, because Hanzo took two steps back and had shifted into something much more akin to a combat stance. “…excuse me??”

Jesse held his hands up. He didn’t want trouble. And really, this wasn’t anything like _that_. “Not like that, sugar pie. What kind of man do you take me for?”

Again, no response. At least one that Jesse understood – Hanzo was muttering in Japanese. He supposed he couldn’t blame him, Hanzo’s only examples of what kind of man Jesse was were a bit…varied. He’d been the one to kidnap him, had caught him after his escape attempt, hit him, choked him, stood by as another man talked about Hanzo’s mother’s death, stopped him from killing the aforementioned man, handcuffed him… The list of things that Jesse had done to him was extensive and the only thing that he had done that might earn Hanzo’s trust was taking care of him while he was sick. And even that could be interpreted as Jesse following orders.

“Not gonna do anything to you, just c’mere.” Jesse motioned for Hanzo to follow and gave him a wide enough berth that it didn’t look like he was going to touch him at all. He exhaled in relief when Hanzo actually followed him, though Jesse noted that he was definitely keeping distance between the two of them. Again, couldn’t blame him for that.

Jesse moved to the far side of the room and opened a sliding door that went to the outside – to a small, simple balcony that looked out onto the gorge. The sun was high in the sky and there were barely any clouds in sight. A clear, beautiful day. Jesse leaned against the exterior wall and crossed his arms over his chest.

Hanzo slowly emerged from the building with one hand shading his eyes. Jesse flinched internally – he supposed going from being kept in a room t going out into the bright sunlight was probably a bit of a jump. He should have given him sunglasses or something. But the brightness didn’t seem to bother Hanzo in the least. His eyes were wide and he almost seemed frozen as he stared out the expanses of fiery cliffs and sand.

_He really is beautiful, isn’t he?_ Jesse kept staring at Hanzo and how he was illuminated by the Santa Fe sun. It was easier to see how refined his features were, how strong his jawline was and how sharp his cheek bones were. The sun made his skin tone look warm and golden and his eyes look like fire. It was easy to forget that Hanzo was Deadlock’s prisoner.

Well, at least until he noticed how raw and red Hanzo’s wrists were even though he hadn’t been cuffed in some time now. Or the bruises that were scattered across his exposed skin. Or the dark circles that framed his eyes…

Jesse looked back out at the scenery rather than the man he was supposed to be watching. There was an odd pang in his chest and a twist in his gut when he looked at Hanzo too long – one that he didn’t feel too often.

Guilt.

He didn’t want to feel that way – after all – Jesse was just doing his job. But Hanzo was just a kid. Even if he was legally and adult, he was in over his head and more scared than he was letting on. How could he not be scared? He was away from his family and being held captive by a gang that was continuously trying to get information out of him. Even someone who was trained to deal with being interrogated and various other things would be scared…

Hanzo didn’t deserve any of what they’d put him through.

“Thought you might like the view, that’s all.” Jesse finally spoke up again, if only to distract himself from the guilt that was boiling in his stomach. “And that a bit o’ sun out do you some good.”

Jesse wouldn’t claim to be a medical professional, far from it, but he knew that people needed sunlight because of something dealing with vitamin D. He knew that not getting enough sun/vitamin D/whatever could make people sad – sure as hell made _him_ sad. Whenever he’d had to do any missions up in the northern United States, Jesse had been damn miserable. He’d been exhausted, sore, and didn’t really want to do anything which was incredibly counterproductive when he needed to be _working_.

Hanzo shot Jesse another look – his eyes were still narrowed, still filled to the brim with distrust. But this time his brows were furrowed in slight confusion and it looked like he was chewing on the inside of his cheek. “…thank you.”

“Not a problem, sweetheart.” Jesse finally shifted away from the wall and rested his hands against the railing. There was the odd thought that it would be _so_ easy for Hanzo to shove him over the edge and then make his escape, but he ignored it. Somehow, he didn’t think that was going to happen.

“Everything looks like fire.” Hanzo’s voice was soft. “Very different than what I’m used to. Interesting, though.”

“Its home for me, so it’s beautiful.” Jesse’s voice was wistful, though. Santa Fe was his home through and through, Deadlock Gorge especially. But what he longed for was his mother’s ranch and the small gardens and the horses. He longed for _home_. But he’d left that all behind in hopes of supporting her…

And now she wasn’t in Santa Fe anymore.

“How can it be so hot during the day but so cold at night?” Hanzo fanned himself and frowned just a little. It seemed that he was opening up again, or at least letting his guard down enough to talk without actively watching Jesse’s every move.

Jesse smiled slightly and launched into an explanation of the desert climate and various other facts about his home. The conversation flowed easier than it should have between two people who were, strictly speaking, enemies. But Jesse didn’t mind that in the least. It was nice to have someone to talk to, though he figured that Hanzo was just humoring him to get more time outside in the sun.

If he was nice to Hanzo, Jesse was certain that it was going to be easier to get that information out of him. Deadlock had tried force through Jesse, they’d tried getting into Hanzo’s head through Rideaux, and neither had worked. Jesse was honestly surprised that Adina and Kilgore hadn’t considered _kindness_.

There was part of him that felt dirty for doing this…after all…Hanzo was just a scared kid who was far away from home. But Jesse did have a job to do, and he intended to see it through to the end. Even if the job made him feel awful.


	3. let’s play with the fire that runs in our veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 - _let’s play with the fire that runs in our veins_
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sex scene including frottage, orgasm denial, anal sex, Top!McCree
> 
> Cameo by Ludger Will Kresnik from Tales of Xillia 2. Chapter title is taken from the song Veil of Elysium by Kamelot.

# Part 3 – _let’s play with the fire that runs in our veins_

 

There was part of Hanzo that was wondering if his family was ever going to send for him. By this point he was certain that Genji, despite being under-aged, would have found a way out of the country to try and save his older brother. Though that thought left him conflicted…he didn’t want Genji getting in more trouble with the elders.

He could never be sure of how much time had passed – the only thing he knew for sure is that he’d spent a week recovering from being ill. And that some time had passed since then…

His awareness of day and time was skewed because of how often he spent holed up in a room without windows.

At least he’d been allowed out of the room more and more often. It was always under Jesse’s supervision but the man wasn’t bad to be around. He was nice enough, polite enough. Hanzo would rather have Jesse being the one to escort him around rather than anyone else. It seemed that Deadlock had wised up to that too – they weren’t bothering to have anyone else handle Hanzo unless Jesse was off on some sort of mission or asleep.

Jesse had even brought Hanzo a few books to go through to pass the time. The books were in English – which allowed Hanzo to keep polishing his English skills. It wasn’t that he was _bad_ at it, but practice made perfect. It was at least something to do. It broke up the times when he was going through a very basic exercise routine so he didn’t lose too much muscle mass or strength.

Hanzo leaned back against the headboard and continued paging through the book, it was something called _The Gunslinger_. He was enjoying it and he could see why Jesse had recommended it. It seemed like something that Jesse would enjoy reading. Despite enjoying the book, Hanzo was having trouble focusing on it because he was getting antsy. And hungry.

Almost on cue, there was a knock at the door followed by it hissing as it opened. Hanzo recognized the sound of Jesse’s boots on the floor, his steps were heavy and bordered on imposing. Maybe it was the spurs that jangled against the ground that really cemented the potential intimidation, he didn’t really know. But Hanzo wasn’t afraid when he heard those steps.

Quite the opposite actually.

He usually started relaxing a little bit. When people other than Jesse had been checking in on him, things had gotten dicey. Hanzo didn’t trust any of them, but at least he knew Jesse wasn’t going to hurt him for no reason. He didn’t have the luxury of knowing that about any of the other Deadlocks.

“Hey there sweetheart.” Jesse’s voice was smooth with that underlying bite hiding beneath the surface, just like always. “You doin’ alright today?”

Hanzo hummed softly and set the book aside after marking his page with a scrap of paper. “Well enough, I suppose.” As well as someone who was in captivity could be doing. He felt stiff and confined, but he supposed he could live with those for the time being. “What about you, Jesse?”

“I’m doin’ al—did you just call me Jesse?!” Jesse’s voice pitched up a bit higher, almost toward a squeak. Almost.

Hanzo wouldn’t have let him live down squeaking over something like that.

 _Wait a second…_ Hanzo went over what he’d said to Jesse in his mind and felt his cheeks start to get hot. _I did call him Jesse. When…when did I start doing that?_ He’d been very insistent on calling him McCree before this…

“Maybe. You might be hearing things.” Hanzo kept his voice even and his expression as flat as he could. _Could that be construed as flirting? Fuck._

Jesse snickered and shook his head. “Sure, I’m hearin’ things. C’mon dragonfly, let’s get some food in you. Sound good?”

Up until this point, Jesse or another Deadlock had been bringing him his meals. And said meals had been less than spectacular. They were enough to keep Hanzo alive, but they weren’t particularly enjoyable and didn’t have much flavor. He figured that’s how they treated their captives, it was a motivation to start talking. The sooner you spilled secrets, the sooner you got decent food. The sooner you were able to go home.

 _Or the sooner you would be disposed of because you were no longer helpful_.

“Food sounds good, I guess.” Hanzo got to his feet and frowned at how shaky he felt. Maybe he was just dehydrated. He’d be sure to drink a lot of water.

“Then follow me.” Jesse grinned and motioned for Hanzo to come with him before turning away to head to the door.

Hanzo stared at Jesse’s retreating back with his jaw slightly agape. He had to wonder if this was a ploy on Deadlock’s part to get him to start relaxing more around Jesse, but he was too hungry to really care at this point. If he wasn’t staying in this room, there was the chance that the food was going to be good. And there was part of him that didn’t want to think that Jesse was actively trying to get information out of him now. _Keep on your guard. Even if he’s nice, you’re not among allies. Letting your guard down isn’t an option._ He sighed and followed after Jesse.

“Where are we going?” Hanzo crossed his arms over his chest despite knowing that the position made it difficult to defend himself. He didn’t really like the way the other Deadlocks looked at him – somewhere between him being a piece of meat and little more than a pest – so he felt the need to hide his body a little. Though he was well aware that crossing his arms didn’t really hide anything.

“Mess hall. Ludger’s cookin’ today, so the food’s gonna be good.” Jesse’s hand rested against Hanzo’s shoulder as he urged him to move a little faster.

Oh, good food sounded heavenly. It really did. But the idea of being in a mess hall with tons of Deadlocks didn’t really appeal to Hanzo. The last time he’d been in a room with a lot of Deadlocks he’d wound up captured. He doubted that all of them were going to be okay with the Shimada heir walking around unbound and having the gall to eat their good food.

It could get ugly.

“Han?”

Hanzo jolted when Jesse spoke again. He felt a flush creep up his cheeks as he realized that he’d abruptly stopped walking when he started thinking. _Good job, Shimada. Way to show that you can’t walk and think at the same time. Fucking hell…_

“I’m fine.” Hanzo straightened up and pushed his shoulders back. _Don’t let people see that they’re getting under your skin._

“…you a bit nervous about eating in the mess hall?” Jesse gently prodded him to start moving again. “Can’t blame ya if you are. Lord knows I wouldn’t be all that confident eating while surrounded by potential hostiles.”

There was part of Hanzo that really appreciated the fact that Jesse could read him well – it meant that Hanzo didn’t have to admit (out loud) what was bugging him. He could just nod or shake his head. But then there was the proud Shimada part of him that absolutely loathed that someone could read him so easily. If he was to lead the Shimada clan, he was going to have to learn how to hide his true feelings much better or he was going to have people lording over him with no issue.

Despite not wanting to admit to his nerves, Hanzo nodded.

“Don’t worry starshine, I’ll keep you safe.” Jesse winked at him; the grin on his face was almost as blinding as the sun.

The wink made warmth washed over Hanzo and settled into his lower abdomen. He shook away those feelings and cleared his throat. _Focus._ The thing was that Hanzo actually knew that Jesse would keep him safe.

He knew he should say something in response to Jesse, but Hanzo couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say, so he just remained silent. The rest of the walk to the mess hall was similarly quiet, but surprisingly, not all that uncomfortable. It was mainly companionable.

Somehow.

Hanzo quirked a brow up when they walked into the mess hall. Deadlock’s mess hall wasn’t particularly large – maybe enough for thirty people to eat at once. The walls were battered and wooden, with various signs that were reminiscent of the types that used to hang in old diners plastered to them. The floor was slippery linoleum that may at one time have had color to it, but it was so worn that it had faded to a tired shade of grey. Everything was worn down and seemed to have a layer of grim on it.

It was disgusting.

Despite that, the aroma of delicious food was wafting against all the greasy surfaces. Hanzo was convinced that he hadn’t smelled food that good ever, but at this point he might consider food he usually disliked to be delicious. Still…he was nearly drooling from the scent alone. It was overriding the anxiety that came from the mere idea of eating in a facility this filthy.

“Hell yeah, he made the pasta margherita. You’re in for a real treat, sugarpie.” Jesse looked practically gleeful.

Hanzo wasn’t exactly sure what a pasta margherita was, but he was certain it was going to taste good. At least based on how it smelled. _Oh god I’d kill for real ramen._ He followed after Jesse through the line and grabbed up a grubby tray. He barely managed to conceal the grimace in response to that. The line was moving quickly, which Hanzo was grateful for. Soon enough, they were at the front of the line and the piebald bartender from that first night was serving up food.

“Food smells incredible, Luds. Is it a special occasion or something?” Jesse’s voice was good-natured, almost bordering on flirty.

Ludger shook his head and portioned out pasta with some sort of fresh looking tomato sauce. “Just felt like making it.”

His tone was wistful enough that Hanzo figured the real answer might be ‘homesickness.’

“Thank ya kindly, Luds.” Jesse tipped his hat, waited for Hanzo to have food on his tray, and then started guiding them to a table.

Hanzo managed to keep his repulsed reaction to the greasy, gross table under wraps and sat down slowly. The scent of the food was almost overwhelming – Hanzo’s stomach rumbled. Hopefully it was as good as Jesse was making it out to be. He twirled some of the pasta onto his fork and took a small bite.

 _Oh_.

Oh it was good.

Really good, even. It was definitely the best food that Hanzo had eaten since coming to the states, not that it was hard to top most of it. Most of it had been while he was imprisoned. He didn’t know why Jesse was giving him good food now, but he didn’t care. He was going to eat as much of it as he could without getting sick. Who knew when the next time they would be kind to him would be…

“Judgin’ by your expression, you’re enjoyin’ the food. I’ll have to let Luds know.” Jesse’s voice was warm and soft – yet Hanzo could still hear it above the din of the cafeteria. “Figure I’ll be bringin’ you down here for at least one meal a day. Not right to keep you cooped up all the time.”

Hanzo felt an odd little tug in his heart at those words. There was still part of his mind screaming at him that this was all an act to get him to drop his guard – and really, it could be. But Hanzo didn’t want it to be like that. He wanted to believe that Jesse was being kind of his own volition rather than under orders from the higher-ups. He wanted to think that someone was being kind to him because they liked him rather than because of his status or any other reason. Maybe it was naïve of him…and maybe it was because he was softening up to Jesse.

He shook away those feelings and thoughts and kept downing his food. He paused when he remembered that he should respond to Jesse. “Yes, the food is quite good. And thank you…I appreciate being able to move around.” Hanzo was surprised at how sincere his words sounded.

“Not a problem, sugar.” Jesse patted Hanzo on his shoulder – but to Hanzo it seemed like the touch was lingering a bit longer than was completely appropriate for enemies.

_Jesse doesn’t feel like an enemy…_

That probably wasn’t a good, healthy thought to be having.

Their lunch went on with casual, comfortable conversation flowing between the two of them. Well, Jesse did most of the talking. But Hanzo wasn’t being completely silent – he was engaging. At least a little more than he usually would. He found himself dropping his guard enough to laugh and joke a little – he was having fun. Jesse even got him a second plate of food…

Eventually, they were heading back because Jesse had other work things to do. Hanzo supposed that even if he was the liaison, Jesse had more important things to do than make sure Hanzo was entertained all the time.

“Alright sweetheart, I’ll see you tomorrow ‘round the same time. I’ve got an overnight mission so Luds will check in on you later.” Jesse tipped his hat and grinned down at Hanzo.

“Looking forward to it, Jesse.” Hanzo offered a smile in return before stepping into his room.

The door slid shut behind him and locked. Hanzo sighed and slumped down onto the bed. It had been nice to get out and get some real food in his stomach. He supposed he understood that he could only really have one nice meal like that a day. Deadlock wasn’t made of money. But he was looking forward to more good food and more time with Jesse.

Oh shit.

Hanzo _was_ looking forward to spending more time with Jesse. _I’m so fucked._

 

* * *

 

 

Hanzo had been hiding in his room, cell, _whatever_ for the last day and a half or so. He’d refused to speak to Ludger when he’d come to check on him. He’d refused Jesse when he came in with breakfast. He’d refused the nice lunch that Jesse had said he’d get once a day. He’d iced over and refused so many things. And he knew that he was going to have to shove him away again. He knew that Jesse was going to be checking in on him soon.

Thus far, Jesse hadn’t been pushing to find out why Hanzo was acting like this. And Hanzo was grateful for that. Though he had to wonder _why_ Jesse wasn’t pressing. And the fact that he _wasn’t_ pressing to know why Hanzo was acting this way didn’t help the feelings that Hanzo was having in the first place!

He couldn’t be having these feelings. He couldn’t be having feelings _period_ over someone who was supposed to be his enemy. Hanzo knew better than that. He was a Shimada, he was a dragon; he wasn’t supposed to be like this! He’d been trained better. The elders had made sure that he was strong enough to _not_ have something like this happen when he was out on missions. It had never been a problem before.

And then enter Jesse McCree with his stupid cowboy hat, ridiculous belt buckle, charming smirk, and so much more that made Hanzo weak in the knees. Jesse McCree who had been unyielding and powerful in the moments that they’d directly clashed, but gentle at every other turn. It didn’t make sense to Hanzo, it was confusing, it made him feel so very conflicted. It made him feel things that he wasn’t supposed to feel _period_. There was a weird sick feeling that permeated his stomach every time he saw Jesse, a strange fluttery sensation that he couldn’t get rid of. At all. He hated it.

Hanzo jolted when he heard the door hiss open and struggled to get his emotions and face under control. He could hear Jesse’s heavy footsteps and almost felt nauseous. He wasn’t nervous or scared, he just…he wasn’t sure how he felt actually. Maybe that was the most frustrating thing about all of it. Hanzo wasn’t sure how he felt.

“Hey there sweetheart, jus’ gonna walk you so you can take a shower and change clothes.” Jesse’s voice sounded a bit flatter than usual, almost completely devoid of the usual pep and charm. “Sound good?”

Hanzo couldn’t bring himself to respond; he merely got to his feet and walked over to the door. He didn’t meet Jesse’s eyes – instead he stared off into space and tried to ignore the strange ache in his chest.

He heard Jesse sigh heavily before speaking. “…alright. Let’s get going.”

They walked in silence; none of the amiable conversation from their lunch present whatsoever. The silence was nowhere near comfortable either; it felt stifling and thick, like it was slowly strangling the air from Hanzo’s lungs. His throat felt too tight and his face too hot and everything felt foreign and almost wrong. He hated it. He just wanted things to feel like they had…

_But I had to go and ruin everything be **feeling** something…_

Soon enough they were at the showers. Hanzo looked up when Jesse tapped him on the shoulder, the man was holding out fresh clothing for him. Simple clothes, just t-shirt and jeans and undergarments. Still, he was grateful for it. He wasn’t sure who he was borrowing clothing from, but Hanzo didn’t really care. He took the bundle of clothing with a whisper of ‘thank you’ and then started toward the showers. They were open, but Jesse would be standing guard while Hanzo was in there. Hanzo didn’t trust anyone else to be near him when he was in such a vulnerable state.

_I really shouldn’t be thinking like that…_

He sauntered into the showers proper and shucked off the dirty clothing before turning the hot water on high. Very quickly there was steam billowing through the room. That was how Hanzo liked his showers – hot almost to the point of pain. He hissed as he stepped under the spray. The water pressure was high and it almost felt like he was being pelted with hail rather than water. It was perfect. It almost felt like it was massaging the knots out of his muscles. Maybe the water would wash away some of his feelings…

“Hanzo.” Jesse’s voice issued from just beyond the barrier.

Hanzo knew that he wouldn’t be able to see from where he was, yet at the same time he found himself wanting to cover up or hide or anything. He froze, hands buried in his hair as he tried to ease tangles out. _Why is he talking to me **now**?_ He forced his hands to keep working through his hair and closed his eyes and let the hot water wash over him.

“…I know you can hear me in there.” Jesse sighed. “I don’t know what I did that’s makin’ you all tense, but I’m sorry.” There was a weighty pause, one where Hanzo knew he should say something, but didn’t. “It wasn’t my intention to make you uncomfortable.”

_No…you make me too comfortable…_

He started working shampoo into his hair and stared at the wall. Hanzo didn’t want Jesse to think that his discomfort was because of the kind things that Jesse had been doing. But he didn’t know what to say, and even if he did know what to say, he couldn’t get his mouth to form words. It was like his mouth and throat were utterly frozen.

“Freezin’ up like you have been…refusin’ food…” Jesse’s voice was tinged with frustration…and what sounded like concern. Or maybe Hanzo just wanted it to sound like concern. _Stop thinking things like that._ “Kilgore and Adina are gonna start thinkin’ I’m not the one to look after you. They’ll assign someone else.”

Hanzo’s breath caught in his lungs. That wasn’t something he had considered, but it made perfect sense once he _did_ think about it. It was something that the elders would order if a ‘guest’ that had previously been relatively compliant suddenly went defiant. They’d assign someone new. Hanzo didn’t want that. He really didn’t want that. The mere thought had fear bubbling up in the back of his throat, acrid and burning.

“An’ I know you don’t want that. So I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you…but you gotta start eatin’ your meals again at the very least. Especially before Kilgore and Adina notice.”

A combination of the heat of the water and the steam permeating the room were making him dizzy, probably from the fact that he’d been skipping meals. He caught himself against the wall and exhaled slowly as he tried to make the room stop spinning. Hanzo could feel his face getting hot from holding in emotions – he hadn’t expected this display of caring and concern. It had caught him off guard and he wasn’t entirely sure how he was supposed to react to it.

“I’ll give ya the afternoon to sort out your head, but I’m gonna take you over to the mess hall for dinner, got it?” There wasn’t room for argument in Jesse’s voice.

Again, Hanzo knew that he was supposed to respond, but he just couldn’t get his vocal cords to function. He straightened back up and started rinsing shampoo from his hair in hopes that the normal action would ground him in reality and grant him the ability to speak again.

“…sweetheart, you alright in there? You’re mighty quiet…” There was that concerned tone again. Hanzo wanted to yell at him to shut up – to stop talking in that tone – but he couldn’t bring himself to. “…Hanzo, if you don’t answer, I’m gonna have to come in and check on you. As much as I’d like that, I don’t think _you_ would.”

_Oh you’d be surprised…_

“I’m fine.” Hanzo’s voice was tight when he spoke and he hated that it was. He didn’t sound like himself. He sounded weak and pathetic and like he was on the verge of panicking or falling apart or something like that. That’s not how dragons were supposed to sound, that’s not the image the elders had taught him to project.

“Good. Gotta make sure you don’t faint in there or some shit like that.” Jesse had a little more humor in his tone now, but it was still so concerned sounding that it made Hanzo’s chest ache. “I’ll shut up now and let you enjoy your shower…but remember…you gotta work with me or they’re gonna replace me.”

As promised, Jesse fell silent and let Hanzo ‘enjoy’ his shower. There wasn’t much to enjoy about it – there were too many thoughts running through his mind. Still, it did feel good to rinse away the grime that had built up since his previous shower. He stayed under the spray of the shower until the water was running cold and he was shivering. Only then did he wrap up in one of the scratchy towels and tug on the fresh clothing. This set of clothes was too big on him. Too long, too wide, too everything. But they were soft and comfortable…and Hanzo was grateful for that.

Eventually he shuffled out and found Jesse leaning against the wall. Words weren’t exchanged this time – Jesse merely tipped his hat and motioned for Hanzo to follow along. It seemed that he really was going to let Hanzo sort out his thoughts before they went to the mess hall later that day.

All too soon, Hanzo was back in the room with the door locked behind him. He sank down onto the bed and buried his face in his hands. He knew that Jesse was right – if he didn’t start complying again, the Deadlock bosses were going to assign someone else to look after him. And Hanzo really didn’t want that. Hanzo trusted Jesse, even though he was loathe to admit that, even to himself. Jesse made this confinement _slightly_ more bearable.

But complying meant facing his feelings head on. And those were almost more frightening than the idea of dealing with someone else looking after him.

“I can’t feel like this…I…can’t…” He whispered, his face still tucked behind his hands. He could only hope that it muffled his words enough that the cameras that were inevitably tucked in the room didn’t pick up his words. What would the clan say about this kind of behavior? What would the elders say? What would _Genji_ say?

Hanzo snorted – Genji would be proud of him. He knew that much. Genji would want him to chase after Jesse because it was so rare for Hanzo to admit that he was attracted to someone, to admit to feeling _anything_. But Genji encouraged Hanzo to do all sorts of things – including ones that got him in trouble with the elders. He knew what the elders would think; they’d think that he was out of his mind. That he was deliberately disobeying them. He’d be punished harshly and expected to fall back in line and never repeat that behavior. He didn’t want to think about what they’d do to him. And the clan…

The clan would scoff at him. They’d consider him a silly boy…they wouldn’t respect him.

Hanzo couldn’t let that happen. He had to be strong, he had to be a leader, he had to be a _dragon_. And the elders had told him time and time again that dragons didn’t have dalliances, dragons didn’t stray from their paths. That dragons were unbreakable, unyielding, and commanding. _Then why do they try to bend me to their will? I’m the dragon…they’re my subordinates…_ He shook away the mutinous thoughts and rubbed at his face. He was just going to have to ignore his feelings – spirits knew that he was used to doing that. The elders had practically beaten it into him.

But it would mean acting cold and unaffected to Jesse…and Hanzo didn’t want to do that… Hanzo made a soft, frustrated noise and slumped back onto the bed. There was no winning in this situation. No matter what he did, he was going to lose in some respect.

He didn’t have much more time to consider his thoughts as the door was already hissing open again. Hanzo scowled at the wall and sat up. At the very least, he was going to seem compliant enough to not have Jesse get replaced. He didn’t want to have to deal with someone else – he liked seeing Jesse every day.

“Hey there sunshine.” Jesse sang out as he entered the room. There was a tentative smile on his face – it seemed he could tell that things were still a little rocky. Hanzo felt a pang in his chest – he didn’t want Jesse to have to walk on eggshells around him. “Ready for dinner?”

Hanzo stared at him for a few moments – really drank in his appearance. Taller than him by a good few inches, broad in the shoulders and chest, arms that were practically trying to burst out of his t-shirt’s sleeves, soft hair, and a smile that could sway anyone over to his side. Jesse McCree was probably the most attractive man that Hanzo had ever laid eyes on. He didn’t usually allow himself to have thoughts like that since the elders restricted what he was allowed to do…they didn’t allow him to do things that would reflect poorly on the Shimada clan.

“I…” The words caught in Hanzo’s throat and he swallowed dryly. He was still staring at Jesse and could feel heat creeping up his cheeks. _I can’t ignore how I feel about him…I’m attracted to him, I **like** him._ “I would like fresh air before dinner, if that is alright.” He internally flinched at how stiff his words were, but at least he’d managed to speak this time. That was an improvement, right?

He knew that he was pushing it by requesting something like this, especially with how he’d been behaving. But Hanzo was hoping that Jesse would grant his request without much question. He wouldn’t have the courage to go through with what was in his mind if he waited.

Jesse tilted his head to the side in a way that was very reminiscent of a confused dog. There was a difficult to read expression on his face and he was chewing on his lower lip. “Alright. We’ll grab some fresh air then we’ll grab some grub. Luds’ isn’t cookin’ today, so we can take our time. But you don’t want the dregs, promise you that. We’ll hafta be quick.”

Hanzo let out a breath that he hadn’t been aware he was holding up until that point. He could see the curiosity in Jesse’s eyes, but appreciated the fact that he wasn’t asking questions. Or at least was waiting until they were somewhere more private before asking questions. “Thank you.”

The two walked in silence, one that was just as stifling as earlier, but for different reasons. Jesse kept shooting Hanzo perplexed looks and was obviously trying to put all the clues together. He had to wonder what all was going through Jesse’s mind at this point. Hanzo knew he’d been giving some weird mixed signals.

Soon enough, they were at Jesse’s bedroom and Hanzo entered without question this time. He knew that Jesse wasn’t going to hurt him or take advantage of him – if he wanted to do that, he could have done so many times at this point. The room was messier than before and Hanzo withheld a comment about it. Now wasn’t the time to be making chiding comments about Jesse’s room – not when Jesse was taking him to get fresh air without question.

And really…it wasn’t all that messy…

Hanzo shielded his eyes as Jesse opened the door out onto the balcony and inhaled the fresh, desert air. It was dry and hot and felt oh so good. It was nothing like home, but it brought him so much comfort. It reminded him of freedom…gave him a tiny bit of hope. The heat of the sun felt so good, so perfect. He kept his eyes closed and exhaled hard. He had needed this. Maybe it would give him the confidence he needed…

“…sugar, I don’t mind takin’ you out here, you know that, but I’m kinda confused as to why you’d want to be alone with me when you’ve spent the last couple days avoidin’ me like the plague.”

Hanzo turned to face him, only opening his eyes once he was looking away from the overly bright sun. Jesse’s face was twisted in a frown and his brows were furrowed – the harsh lighting from the sun made him look so much older and severe than he actually was. The slight heat of attraction coiled low in his abdomen, despite the lighting doing Jesse no favors, he was still so handsome.

He opened his mouth to speak and no sound came out. Even when they were alone and away from cameras and prying eyes, Hanzo was too frightened to actually say something. _Some dragon I am…_ But Hanzo had never been particularly skilled at speaking with people like this. He could fake being good at speaking in front of his subordinates, he could handle teaching a martial arts class…but talking about how he _felt_? That made him want to run away and hide. He’d always been much better at actions than words.

 _Nothing ventured, nothing gained._ Hanzo grabbed the front of Jesse’s shirt and dragged him in close. The cowboy squawked inelegantly and flailed for a moment before grabbing onto Hanzo’s arms. A few seconds passed where Hanzo paused and merely stared up into Jesse’s eyes. Jesse was wary, that much was obvious, maybe even a little frightened. Hanzo supposed he couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t sure if what he was going to do was going to ease that worry or make it even worse, but it was now or never. If he didn’t do it now, he was going to lose his nerve and regret it for ages. Even if this ruined everything, at least he didn’t back down. At least he went through with it.

Hanzo pressed his lips to Jesse’s in a chaste, lingering kiss. Jesse was still for just long enough for Hanzo’s anxiety to trigger and start the downward spiral of thoughts that he’d fucked up and that there was no coming back from this action. But before he could pull back and stammer out an apology and go back to whatever his existence was with Deadlock, Jesse had hooked one arm around his waist and cupped the back of Hanzo’s head with a large, warm hand. He rested his hands against Jesse’s shoulders as his eyes fluttered shut. A slight nip at his lip had Hanzo gasping and Jesse deepening the kiss.

He pulled back when he needed to breathe, lips slightly swollen and cheeks red. There was a lazy, almost satisfied grin on Jesse’s face – very reminiscent of a cat that had gotten the cream.

“Real flattered and all…but a bit confused.” Jesse brushed hair away from Hanzo’s face, an action that only made him blush a little darker.

He was quiet for a few moments as he mulled over how to phrase everything he needed to say, but there wasn’t really a good way to say it. Not in Hanzo’s mind, at least. “…I’m not allowed to feel the way I feel.” He swallowed dryly and looked away from Jesse’s warm, expectant gaze. “I…shouldn’t feel this way…”

There was a soft snort of laughter from Jesse. “…so you did the whole ‘push away the person ya like’ thing, like a middle schooler.” Despite the laughter, it sounded more like he was amused in general and not actually making fun of Hanzo. “Here I thought I’d offended you or something.”

Hanzo huffed and pointedly stared out at the beautiful scenery rather than making eye contact with Jesse. He knew that he was blushing and he wanted to hide that fact, at least a little. “…I was trying to ignore how I feel.”

The hand on the back of Hanzo’s head carded through loose strands of hair – Hanzo really liked how it felt. It was relaxing and eased some of the anxiety that had built up over the past few hours.

“Darlin’, you can’t really help who you wind up likin’. That’s just how the world works.”

Hanzo realized that, but he had tried to shove those feelings away anyway. Liking Jesse complicated things and made him feel conflicted. He had wanted to avoid that.

Jesse leaned back in for another kiss and Hanzo met him halfway. This one was slower, deeper, but far less chaste. Hanzo could clearly feel the growing desire, the neediness, not only in the kiss but also in how tightly Jesse was holding onto him. He wanted it to keep going, he really did…

But…

Hanzo pulled back and chuckled lightly when Jesse tried to kiss again. He held a finger to Jesse’s lips. “No. I was not kidding about air before dinner. I have had air…”

“Now let me be your dinner, sweetheart.” Jesse kissed the finger that was on his lips.

“No, I require sustenance.” Hanzo pulled back further yet and almost laughed at the deflating expression on Jesse’s face. “I haven’t eaten properly since I first went to the mess hall. I’m rather hungry.”

“Right…c’mon sugar. Let’s get some food in you.” Jesse guided him back in, a hand on his shoulder.

The contact was searing, even through his clothing. And Hanzo liked it far more than he should. But when they were back in the hallway, all physical contact ceased. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but each time he looked over at Jesse his stomach twisted in a pleasant way, especially when the other man smiled at him.

_I’m so fucked…_

 

* * *

 

 

Hanzo’s life at Deadlock had continued much in the same vein as it had. Jesse would come and take him to the mess hall or to the shower room, they’d have a chat at some point during the day, and sometimes they were able to sneak off to the balcony attached to Jesse’s room. That’s the only time that he and Jesse would kiss or embrace. That’s the only time that Hanzo would let his walls down, that was the only time that he was certain there weren’t cameras. He was certain he was just being overly paranoid about how much Deadlock was actually watching him, but he’d rather be cautious.

Despite all of his anxiety about his emotions, especially in regards to Jesse, Hanzo was enjoying their time together. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew that it was only going to end in tears when he finally went back to Hanamura. **_If_** _I get back to Hanamura…_ His mind sullenly added on that note. Well, until his family got their act together and actually rescued him, Hanzo would enjoy his time with Deadlock. Even though the thought just sounded _ridiculous_ in his mind.

He rested against the wall of his room as he waited for Jesse to arrive for lunch. Hanzo was starting to have a bit more energy now that he’d been having more substantial meals once a day. It was a blessing and a curse. He liked not slumping into bed all day, but having more energy also meant he was getting more and more stir crazy. Hanzo had never handled being cooped up very well.

The door opened with a groan right at the time that Jesse was supposed to arrive. He was whistling and his hands were tucked into the pockets of his jeans. Hanzo almost swore there was a spring in his step, but he didn’t exactly know why. “Afternoon sunshine, ready for lunch?”

Hanzo nodded and got to his feet. “Yes, thank you.” There was a small smile on his face; he could feel it tugging at his lips. There was warmth spreading through his body, one he recognized as happiness. He was pleased to see Jesse. Jesse started guiding him down the halls, but turned toward his quarters in favor of the mess hall. Hanzo opened his mouth to ask, but Jesse hushed him and winked.

He could feel curiosity brewing in his mind – maybe Jesse had forgotten something in his bedroom? He supposed he’d find out soon enough. Patience was all he needed. Though…patience was the one thing the elders had always chided him about. Hanzo was not a particularly patient person, he never had been.

“Jesse…why…” He tried to speak again, only for Jesse to press a finger to his lips and ‘shh!’ him. Hanzo squashed down the urge to bite Jesse’s finger because he was being shushed like a child – but it took some effort.

“Just hold your horses, starshine.” Jesse snickered as they approached his room. He unlocked it and led Hanzo in.

Hanzo had expected to see the usual mess strewn across the floor of Jesse’s room, but he was greeted by the sight of a clean room. And candles. There were a few candles on dressers and one on the small coffee table he had. But what really caught Hanzo’s attention was the picnic basic sitting on said coffee table. His eyes drifted back to Jesse, whose smile was still present but had shifted toward sheepish and almost a little shy in comparison to his usual cocky smirk.

“Um…” Hanzo cursed internally at the inelegant and unintelligent answer he managed to spout out.  _Good job, Shimada. Very eloquent, way to represent your clan._

“Thought we might have a bit of a date. Can’t take you outside…but…this is nice too, yeah?” Jesse shuffled a little, he almost seemed a little nervous. Hanzo found it more than a little endearing.

Hanzo felt a blush spreading across his cheeks. A date. _I guess the candles make more sense now? He doesn’t seem like a candles sort of guy…_ Hanzo had never been on a date before. It was something that had been forbidden for him. Genji had gone on dates and told Hanzo about how they worked, the things he’d done. He had enjoyed hearing about what his brother did, how happy his brother was. It was almost a method of living through his brother’s experiences. He _had_ been able to sneak out with Genji a few times, though the repercussions for those instances had been pretty harsh. The repercussions would have been even worse had the elders known everything that he had gotten up to while he was out and about. But he’d never been on a date. He wasn’t supposed to engage in those dalliances because it would dishonor the clan.

But he wasn’t with the Shimada right now. Hanzo was off on his own. The Shimada hadn’t come and rescued him yet…

“…I’d very much like to have this date with you.” Hanzo’s voice was softer than he’d like it to be, almost fragile sounding. “I’ve never been on a date before.”

“Aw sugar, you’re makin’ me wish I’d managed to scrape something better together.” Jesse rubbed the back of his head and motioned for Hanzo to come and sit on the small, beat up loveseat that was next to the coffee table. "You deserve better."

“No…no, this is perfect.” Hanzo adjusted the too-big sweatpants he’d been given to wear and then settled down onto the chair. He couldn't help the faint blush that was spreading across his face - _you deserve better._  “Thanks Jesse.”

He felt anxiety flare though his mind – how was he supposed to act? He hadn’t done this before and he could barely remember anything that Genji had told him about his dates. Hanzo would _kill_ for his cellphone at this point. He wanted advice from his younger brother…

“So I’ve got some food, Ludger made the entrée stuff, but I made dessert.” Jesse was all aflutter as he flitted around the table and started setting things up proper. “I’m shit at cookin’ real things, but I make a mean pan of brownies.”

There was a lot of food on the table – Jesse seemed to have learned that Hanzo was a bottomless pit. He was grateful for it. It was an added bonus that everything smelled incredible and Hanzo knew it would taste as good as it smelled. Ludger had made it and Ludger was – by far – the best cook that Deadlock had. It didn’t matter that the food was pretty simple, it still looked delicious.

“Jesse…this looks incredible…” Hanzo blinked as Jesse pulled out a bottle of what appeared to be wine. _He really went all out…_

“Sparkling grape juice.” Jesse grinned. “I know it’s kinda childish, but it’s tasty so…”

“No…no, it’s perfect.” And he really meant that – Jesse was putting a lot of effort into this. It meant a lot. It made him feel  _special_. 

Hanzo smiled as Jesse poured out two glasses of sparkling grape juice and started explaining all the dishes that Ludger had given them for this date. It seemed that _Ludger_ had gone all out as well – from the little finger sandwiches to the barbecue pork mac and cheese. It was all very American, but Hanzo was excited to try all of it.

Conversation moved naturally between the two of them – more like they were old friends than whatever they actually were. Hanzo wasn’t actually sure how to classify their relationship except ‘confusing’ and ‘pleasing’ and ‘maybe he’s my boyfriend’, but all felt a little too _Romeo and Juliet_ for him. But conversation stayed away from dicey topics like anything dealing with the Shimada or what Deadlock was planning to do with Hanzo. No…everything felt normal. Hanzo felt like he could be himself rather than the Shimada heir and there was something wonderful about that.

All the food was delicious – and so, so heavy. Hanzo actually felt pretty full for once. Usually he could eat a meal and feel like having another full size meal twenty minutes later. Somehow he figured it would take him a bit longer this time, especially since there were still brownies to be had.

“Alright…now a bit of dessert?” Jesse was uncovering a pan that had been sitting off to the side. Hanzo’s eyes went wide at the sheer size. “Oh…don’t be worryin’ about the size. We’ll just be havin’ a little. Unless you _want_ the whole pan. Wouldn’t blame ya, wouldn’t be my first time eatin’ an entire pan of brownies.”

The aroma of chocolate flooded Hanzo’s nose and despite being relatively full, his stomach rumbled just a little. He swore he could smell peanut butter as well. “Dessert sounds great.” Hanzo watched as Jesse used a spatula to cut two sizable pieces of brownie for them.

“There’s chunks of peanut butter cup in ‘em too. These are my favorite brownies. Shot a man for tryin’ to steal one once.” Jesse nodded solemnly as he placed the brownie on a paper napkin and handed it off to Hanzo.

Hanzo honestly couldn’t tell if Jesse was joking. It seemed a little unreasonable to shoot someone over a dessert, but Hanzo got possessive over silly things too. So he couldn’t say anything on that front. He shook away those thoughts and took a bite of the brownie – it was moist and the top just a little crumbly. He closed his eyes and made a soft, pleased sound as he chewed. _Now the whole shooting someone thing makes a lot more sense._ Hanzo had the sudden urge to hide the pan behind him and hoard the rest of them for himself. He ignored that impulse. For the moment.

“Good, yeah?” Jesse was grinning and his chest was puffed out with pride. He’d already finished his brownie.

“These are delicious.” Hanzo finished off his dessert and held his hand in front of his mouth as he swallowed.

“Darlin’…you’ve got a little…” Jesse motioned to his lips.

Hanzo licked at his lips to try and get the bits of chocolate off and reached for a napkin for good measure. Before he could grab the napkin, there was a hand gently grasping his wrist and Jesse leaning in close to steal a kiss. Hanzo couldn’t help the surprised sound – one that bordered on a squeak – that escaped his lips. The kiss went on for some time, with Jesse pulling him close and Hanzo making absolutely not move to stop him.

“Hm…you’re even more delicious than those brownies.” Jesse purred against his lips before nipping and pulling back.

“Don’t be silly…you’re just tasting the brownies on me.” Hanzo could feel his cheeks heating up anyway. _There’s no reason to blush like that, it’s just a compliment…_

“Nah, you taste way better. C’mere darlin’…” Jesse pawed at Hanzo’s side and then pulled him closer yet.

Hanzo tried to say something, but all that came out was a small stuttering sound because he’d realized just how close they were. He was seated neatly in Jesse’s lap with his legs straddling his hips – they’d been close before, but not like this. There wasn’t really the opportunity for this kind of intimacy out on the balcony. Unless Jesse picked him up and held him against a wall or something like that. _This shouldn’t fluster me, it’s not like I haven’t done this kind of thing before…_ But he knew this was a little different. He _liked_ Jesse. Clichéd butterflies in the stomach and all. Somehow, that changed things. He didn't want this to be one night, he wanted this to keep going.

“This okay, sweetheart?” Jesse’s voice had gone a bit husky and his eyes were half-lidded as he peered up at Hanzo. His hands were resting on Hanzo’s hips and rubbing small, soothing circles.

“Yeah…yeah this is fine.” Hanzo exhaled and tried to hide that sitting like this was flustering him. Instead, he leaned down and kissed Jesse slow and sweet and carded his hands through Jesse’s messy hair.

The kisses grew in heat and need, slowly becoming open mouthed and panting. Hanzo had pressed as close as he possibly could to Jesse’s chest and his hands were sliding along Jesse’s muscular back. This was usually when one of them would start to pull back – when things would be getting just heated enough that things could progress further. But Hanzo didn’t want to stop, he wanted to feel more of Jesse, he wanted to taste more of him…he just wanted more… And it wasn’t just that he wanted release, he wanted to be _closer_ to Jesse. And not just in a physical sense.

There was something scary about that…

But…

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt Jesse’s hands slide down to cup his rear. Hanzo startled enough that his hips jolted forward – the action pushed his growing arousal right up against Jesse’s – and he could feel his face starting to burn even more than it had been before. A soft groan stuttered out and he tucked his face against Jesse’s shoulder to hide his blush and try and muffle any other sounds he might make.

“You okay, dragonfly?” Jesse’s voice was low, practically a growl, and right up against his ear. Hanzo barely managed to hold back a shiver at the feeling of hot breath against his sensitive skin and the feel of Jesse’s hands on his ass.

“Yeah, I’m okay. You just surprised me.” Hanzo lifted his head a little and swallowed back his embarrassment. He had done things like this before. There was no reason to be flustered or embarrassed. If anything…perhaps he could use his training to give him a little more confidence…

Hanzo was content to let his partner take the lead during intimate moments - he liked the feeling of being able let go of control, especially when he was expected to always be in control of himself. Now was no different.

“If you start gettin’ uncomfortable, I’ll stop. Promise.” Jesse’s hands started squeezing and massaging Hanzo’s ass.

Hanzo bit his lower lip to stifle the breathy moan that was trying to escape. “I will let you know, Jesse…” _Maybe…if I take control a little…then I won’t feel so flustered…_

He nipped and kissed along Jesse’s neck, pausing in a few places to suck lightly – though never hard enough to leave a mark. He was pleased to hear Jesse’s breathing hitch and little sighs and groans leaving him. Fingers carded through Jesse’s hair again and tugged just enough so he’d have more room to tease at Jesse’s sensitive neck.

“Damn, you burn me up, sweetheart.” Jesse panted as he continued to feel up Hanzo’s rear and legs. “Can’t get enough of you. Mm…I’d be good to you, sunshine. Real good.” Hanzo had to bite back a moan when he felt Jesse nibbling at his ear. “I’ll make you feel _real_ good.”

He’d never been one for having a partner talk much during intimate moments, but Hanzo was finding that he liked Jesse’s voice just a bit too much. There was something about having that whiskey smooth voice hot against his neck drawling out pet names and compliments and _dirty_ things that had Hanzo pressing closer, kissing harder, wanting _more_. Hanzo’s breath hitched when Jesse rolled his hips – there was just enough friction to send a jolt of pleasure down his spine. Large, warm hands pulled him closer and held him tightly in place as Jesse grinded up against him. The layers between them were becoming unbearable, all they did was make Hanzo feel too hot and constricted.

“J…Jesse…” He managed to pant between kisses and gasps. “If…if you keep doing that…” If he kept doing that, Hanzo was going to come in his pants and probably die from embarrassment.

Jesse slowed his pace minutely, though his hands were still massaging Hanzo’s ass. “Mm…you want more, sweetheart?”

Hanzo bit back the urge to instantly and empathically say _yes_. He attempted to catch his breath and regain some composure, but Jesse seemed keen to not let that happen. He was still rolling his hips up to tease Hanzo, he was just being gentler about it. Just enough friction and stimulation to make Hanzo _squirm_.

“Y…yes. I want more.” Hanzo breathed out. The thought that he shouldn’t be doing this floated through his mind uninvited – that this went against the clan. That this was a betrayal. But the elders had dictated so much of his life for so long that Hanzo just wanted to do something for himself. He liked Jesse. A lot. And he wanted more.

“I do too, baby. Do whatever you want to me. And same as before, you wanna stop, you tell me. I ain’t gonna force you to do anything.” Jesse murmured and then kissed again. “Alright?”

“Alright.” Hanzo nipped at Jesse’s lower lip and then nodded. He doubted he’d want to stop, but having the option to stop was nice.

Hanzo gasped as Jesse abruptly stood up and half expected to hit the ground. Instead, Jesse coaxed Hanzo’s legs around his waist and walked the two of them over to the bed. The walk over to the bed was drawn out by Hanzo stealing deep kisses and nibbling at Jesse’s neck. He very nearly squeaked when Jesse tossed him onto the bed with a low chuckle – Hanzo barely had time to process that he’d been _thrown_ when Jesse was pressing him down against the bed with his whole body. Within moments, he felt like he was being overwhelmed with sensation. Teeth grazing his neck, soft lips meeting his, hot hands sliding up under his shirt; it was all pushing him over the edge from needy to desperate.

But Hanzo wanted Jesse to feel just as undone, to be just as desperate for touch as he was. It was almost a dance. He slid his hands under Jesse’s shirt and started easing it up so he could see more. He was greeted by the sight of firm muscles and a significant amount of hair as well as scars. So many scars. Hanzo traced his fingers along the scars, his mind supplying that the various causes: gunshot wounds, slashes, little cuts, and burns. He ran his fingers along as many as he could before sliding the shirt off of Jesse.

“Well hey there sugar pie, like what you see?” Jesse’s voice rumbled next to Hanzo’s ear and he shivered.

“Mhm…” Hanzo ran his hands along Jesse’s chest, down his abdomen, and then rested just below his naval. He smirked when Jesse inhaled sharply. “I think we’re wearing too much.” It seemed that Jesse was in agreement because Hanzo’s shirt went next, followed by Jesse’s jeans.

“Can I…?” Jesse’s hands were toying with the waistband of Hanzo’s borrowed sweatpants.

“Yes…go ahead.” Hanzo felt his cheeks burning again as he realized that his arousal was plainly evident in the sweatpants. They hid absolutely nothing. His boxer briefs almost hid more. Almost. “…may I?” He slipped his fingers under the waistband of Jesse’s boxers.

“Mm…go right ahead, darlin’.” Jesse was occupied with smoothing his hands across Hanzo’s mainly bare form and teasing across the front of his underwear.

Now that he had permission he started sliding Jesse’s underwear down all while pressing teasing kisses along the man’s shoulders and neck. What he’d been feeling while they were fooling around had felt pretty big, but Hanzo couldn’t be sure. Once Jesse was freed of his boxers, he was pressing Hanzo back into the mattress for more kisses. His cock was hot and hard against Hanzo’s thigh – it was enough to make Hanzo moan.

“Could get used to hearin’ that.” Jesse hummed as he sat up. Hanzo had a good view of the man’s nude form and he was gorgeous. Stunning. And his dick was probably the largest that Hanzo had seen. He kept teasing his hands near Hanzo’s arousal, but not quite touching it. “Hm…can I see you too?”

Again – he wanted to immediately say yes, but there was a moment of hesitation. Not because he wanted to back out or anything, but because he was feeling a bit self-conscious in comparison. Hanzo nodded that it was okay and chewed on his lower lip. Jesse’s hands were gentle and slow as he slid Hanzo’s underwear off. He hissed when the slightly cool air hit his cock.

“… _damn_ …you’re even gorgeous down there…” Jesse muttered. “Prettiest damn thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, Hanzo. I’ll make it good, sweetheart, I promise.”

Hanzo squirmed and let out a soft moan as Jesse’s fingers teased along his cock. His hips canted toward Jesse’s hand, which was met with a soft laugh and a teasing stroke. “...I…I want more.” Hanzo didn’t sound like himself, all breathless and panting. “Stop teasing me, cowboy.”

“Aw…but you’re blushin’ so pretty, I can’t help it!” Jesse gave him a light squeeze before pulling back just enough to reach over to the bedside table. A small bottle and a few packets were pulled out. Hanzo quirked a brow up in confusion when Jesse ignored the condoms and squirted lube over his right hand.

The confusion flashed away from his mind as Jesse’s hand wrapped around his cock and gave a firm stroke. Hanzo bucked his hips up into the man’s fist and held tight to the sheets. He was about to open his mouth to – once again – tell Jesse to stop teasing him when Jesse just _stopped._ The sound he made was far more indignant than he had expected it to be and bordering on a whine. Jesse chuckled again as he pressed Hanzo back into the mattress. Hanzo gasped and wrapped his arms around Jesse’s middle to keep him close – even the slightest touch of Jesse’s cock against his sent pleasure shooting through his body.

“Mm…you feel good, honeybee…” Jesse’s breath hitched when he rocked his hips forward – Hanzo buried his moan against Jesse’s shoulder.

The little shocks of pleasure only intensified when Jesse took both cocks into his hand and slowly thrusted into his fist. Each drag of skin against skin had sparks flaring behind Hanzo’s eyelids, had him clutching tighter to Jesse. All of his previous encounters had been quick and only vaguely satisfying, they’d been nothing like _this_. But it was all becoming too much too fast and Hanzo was rapidly hurtling toward his climax. The sweet words interspersed with dirty talk and cursing were only making him come more undone.

“Je-Jess…” Hanzo couldn’t finish the last syllable of his name. “Fu…fuck…I…!”

He was about to tip over the edge when Jesse grabbed the base of his cock mercilessly tight. Hanzo whimpered and squirmed underneath him. He couldn’t quite get his voice to work, but he wanted to scream at him to _keep going._

“Sh…shh…I’ve gotcha, sugar. Mm…do you want more?”

“Yes!” Hanzo answered immediately. He forced his lungs to resume their job – he’d started holding his breath. The fuzzy feeling of imminent orgasm faded away slowly. “Please…I want more. _Now._ ”

Jesse moaned – low and guttural – and gave Hanzo another squeeze. “Fuckin’ hell you’re sexy…”

Hanzo watched Jesse pour copious amounts of lube on his fingers before sliding one in. There were soft words of praise, gentle kisses constantly being whispered into Hanzo’s ear while Jesse thoroughly prepped him. Soon there were two fingers scissoring and wriggling within him, then three… It wasn’t uncomfortable, every once and awhile there were little flares of pleasure, but Hanzo wanted _more_.

“Jesse…please…I want more. I’m ready.” The neediness in his voice surprised him and would usually bother him, but he didn’t mind showing this side to Jesse…

“Mm…little longer, sweetheart.” Jesse pulled his hand back and added more lube before sliding in a fourth finger. “I want to make sure this is good for you…”

Hanzo squirmed under Jesse’s touches and panted. “Jesse. _Please_. I…I want you…I want you to…”

Jesse stopped moving his hand and grinned down at Hanzo. “Whatcha want, sugar? Tell me…I wanna hear you.”

Hanzo closed his eyes and opened his mouth to speak. No sound, only a soft, needy gasp. He took a few breaths and opened his eyes again. “Fuck me. _Now_.” He used the commanding tone that he’d developed after years of being groomed to take over the Shimada-gumi.

“Yes sir!” Hanzo watched as Jesse grabbed one of the condoms, opened the package with his teeth, and slid it onto his waiting dick before lubing himself up. “You good?”

Hanzo’s breath caught when he felt the head of Jesse’s cock pressing against his entrance. “Yes, I’m good. Now hurry up!”

“So demandin’.” Jesse chuckled as he started to slide himself in. The laughter faded into a low groan. “Fuck, baby you’re so tight…damn!”

Hanzo gasped as Jesse pushed in further and further. He felt so full, so stretched, and the slight ache was giving away to intense pleasure. He pushed his hips down and circled them – Jesse hissed in response and wrapped an arm around Hanzo’s waist. Things started slow, with Jesse merely rolling his hips and Hanzo gripping his hips to try and make him go _faster_ , _harder_.

“Fuck…you’re so _hot_ , dragonfly. Feel _so_ good around me. Mm, c’mon baby, let me hear your voice.”

A harder thrust had Hanzo clutching tight to Jesse and muffling a moan against his neck. It felt like he was floating and it almost seemed like there were stars dancing in his vision. “Jesse!”

“That what you like, st-starshine?” Jesse purred against his ear. “You like when I pound into you?” Hanzo knew he was waiting for a response and somehow managed to whimper out a ‘yes.’ “Damn…so fuckin’ good…I’ll fuck you so hard you never forget me, baby.”

He felt like he was caught in a tornado – sound was blurring together, every single word Jesse said pushed him closer and closer to his climax. Each thrust had him panting out Jesse’s name, almost like a mantra. It was all he could say and all he could do was dig his nails into Jesse’s hips, his back, his ass…anything to keep him anchored. Jesse kept whispering against his ear, his thrusts speeding up. As much as Hanzo wanted release, he wanted this to go on forever. He wanted to be tight against Jesse’s body, he wanted it to feel like they were the only things that mattered…

But he was too worked up.

“Jesse…Jesse I’m going to…I’m going to…!” Hanzo’s words broke into a sharp moan. “Jesse!”

Hanzo slammed into his orgasm hard, his body tensing under Jesse’s body as his hips shook and switched. Jesse only lasted a few thrusts longer before growling Hanzo’s name. Hanzo shivered as Jesse’s hips finally stilled, too caught up in bliss to really care that there was a mess all over his stomach. He felt weightless and so very relaxed. Jesse muttered something about ‘cleaning up’ and Hanzo made a vague sound in response. He couldn’t remember a time that he’d felt like this before…so relaxed and carefree… His thoughts were interrupted as a cool washcloth wiped his stomach clean and then warm, strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him close.

“So perfect for me…so good…”

Hanzo smiled and closed his eyes as Jesse continued to murmur sweet words and press kisses to his sweaty forehead. He’d never felt so good before, so _cherished_. There was warmth bubbling in his chest and he hugged closer to Jesse as he started to drift off.


	4. whisper whisper in the dark, tell me what you see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 4 – _whisper whisper in the dark, tell me what you see_
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: manipulation, intrusive thoughts, sex scene including a blow job, anal sex, Top!Hanzo.
> 
> Chapter title taken from the song Liar Liar by Kamelot.

# Part 4 _– whisper whisper in the dark, tell me what you see_

 

Jesse woke warm and comfortable and with his arm dead asleep. He could feel the pins and needles stabbing and good _god_ that wasn’t a nice way to wake up. The discomfort from that waned as he became more aware of Hanzo cuddled up to his chest. The sight made him a little giddy, Jesse’s mind immediately brought up the image of Hanzo’s face twisting in pleasure and the memory of all the delightful sounds he’d made. But seeing him so relaxed and _happy_ was nice. Jesse had been wondering if that resting bitch face was Hanzo’s default expression or if he did it deliberately.

He hadn’t been able to make heads or tails on that.

He glanced at the clock and cursed under his breath – he needed to get Hanzo back to his room soon. Jesse had wanted a bit longer to be snuggled up; it was one of his favorite parts of being intimate. He’d gotten shit for it from other Deadlocks more than once because it made him ‘soft’ and ‘weak.’ _There’s nothing wrong with wanting to cuddle. Idiots._

Jesse sighed as he tried to shift a little – but found himself pinned in place by Hanzo’s weight. He snickered and shook his head at the fact that he couldn’t move Hanzo. It wasn’t like he weighed all that much. “Han, hey darlin’, you gotta wake up now…” He spoke softly, like he was speaking to a skittish animal. Hanzo grumbled and held tighter to Jesse. _He’s too damn cute…_   “C’mon sweetheart, wakey wakey~”

“No…” Hanzo grumbled and tucked his face down. “Sleep time.”

_Too cute._

“Sorry hon, time to be awake.” Jesse trailed a finger along Hanzo’s side before digging in to start tickling. He’d tried gentle wake-ups, now it was time to bring out the big guns.

Jesse held back laughter as Hanzo squawked and flailed against him. It was probably a little too mean to wake someone up by tickling, but he had given Hanzo a few chances to wake up! _In for a penny, in for a pound…_ Jesse kept tickling Hanzo, almost mercilessly, snickering the whole time. Seeing Hanzo Shimada laughing so hard and getting so red in the face because he was being tickled was a joy. Jesse wanted to make him smile like that more; it made him look so much softer. It was like watching his façade crumble away into nothingness. _He really is beautiful…_

“Stop!” Hanzo giggled and struggled to get away from Jesse. “Stop, can’t breathe!”

Jesse finally stilled his fingers and instead smoothed his hands across Hanzo’s skin. “Alright, alright. You awake now, starshine?”

“I don’t want to be, but yes.” Hanzo snorted and then shot Jesse a disgruntled look. Jesse was pretty sure it was meant to be a glare, but it lacked viciousness. It was almost cute.

“Sorry darlin’, but I needed you to wake up.” Jesse leaned in and kissed Hanzo’s forehead to try and make up for being a jerk while waking Hanzo up. “I want to stay like this, but I gotta get you back to your room.”

He watched Hanzo visibly deflate a little and then hug onto his middle again. His chest tightened minutely and Jesse had to wonder why – he shook away his thoughts and tucked his face against Hanzo’s hair.

“I do not wish for you to get in trouble.” Hanzo sighed as he started to pull back. “But I’d prefer to stay like this…”

“Aw Hanners…” Jesse stood up and started looking around for his clothes – but found himself a _little_ distracted by Hanzo’s naked body. And the marks he’d left on that body. “You really are gorgeous.”

Hanzo pulled on underwear and then sweatpants – Jesse couldn’t help but smirk because those were _his_ sweatpants. And while they were too big on Hanzo, they looked really nice on him. Maybe he just liked the fact that they looked like they could fall down at the slightest provocation. He didn’t think he was that much bigger than Hanzo, but apparently the difference was enough that it looked like the sweatpants were barely hanging onto Hanzo’s hips.

“I’m wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, I’m not sure how that makes me gorgeous.” Hanzo shook his head and let his hair down before combing through it with his fingers.

 _Oh_. _Damn, he’s even prettier with his hair down._ Jesse wanted to go and run his fingers through Hanzo’s inky black hair; it looked like it would feel like silk. He brought himself back to the here and now by clearing his throat. “Well, they’re my sweatpants and I kinda like you in them. So yes. Gorgeous.”

Jesse watched Hanzo’s cheeks turn a pretty shade of pink as he visibly tried to collect himself so he could respond. “Oh…well…thank you…?”

“No problem darlin’, just statin’ the truth.” Jesse tugged on his clothes and ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t really care if he had to walk around the base with sex hair; it wasn’t like his hair was normally neat. “I’m ready to walk you back.”

Hanzo was dressed now and, regretfully, he was putting his hair back up. Jesse was going to find opportunities to get Hanzo’s hair down again. It was damn pretty that way and he wanted to see it again and again. He was certain he could convince Hanzo to do it at some point.

“I’m all set.” Hanzo sighed.

Jesse exhaled as they left his bedroom and started the short walk back to the room they were holding Hanzo in. He would have preferred to have Hanzo sleep in his bedroom that night, but that wasn’t in the cards. Kilgore and Adina would allow Hanzo to be out for a couple hours if he was compliant, but keeping him overnight was out of the question. It was indicative of Jesse getting ‘soft’ or having ‘biases.’

They were both quiet on the walk, part out of necessity and part out of Jesse not knowing at all what he should say right now. He didn’t regret what they’d done, not at all, but he was feeling…weird. And it was hard for Jesse to shake those feelings and thoughts.

All too quickly, they were at Hanzo’s room and Jesse had to unlock it and escort him in. He had to be in his role of Deadlock member, he had to do his _job_. After such a nice night, Jesse didn’t really appreciate the reminder of what he really was and what he had to do.

Jesse guided Hanzo into the room and closed the door behind him. He reached for Hanzo’s hand and squeezed gently. “G’night, darlin’. I hope you had as nice of a time as I did…” He cupped Hanzo’s cheek and rubbed gentle circles with his thumb.

“…I had a lovely time, Jesse.” Hanzo leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to Jesse’s lips. It was short and sweet but it made Jesse’s heart speed up just a little. “Goodnight, cowboy.”

A little thrill ran through Jesse’s body at the nickname. He went to tip his hat and realized that it wasn’t on – he merely chuckled and shrugged slightly. “Sleep well, Hanzo.”

Jesse left the room without fanfare. He could feel the spring in his step and the smile on his face if only because his cheeks were starting to ache a little. He couldn’t really remember the last time he’d felt like this, the last time he’d felt _happy_. Certainly not when he was with Deadlock…

He went back into his room and started cleaning up the dinner mess and blowing out the candles. In retrospect, letting the candles keep burning while they fell asleep was pretty careless of him. Jesse couldn’t change that though, so he decided to not focus on it. His bedroom smelled vaguely of extinguished candles and had the lingering scent of sex hanging in the air as well. Jesse sighed and smiled to himself. He didn’t mind the smell at all. It reminded him of a good time with Hanzo, of time with someone he liked, someone he _cared_ about. Jesse dropped the picnic basket that was in his hands to the ground as that thought sank in.

“Oh _shit_.” Jesse sank down onto the mussed sheets and clapped his hands over his mouth. “Oh **_shit_**.”

No, Jesse couldn’t like him. He couldn’t. He still had to get information out of him for Deadlock. That was his _job_. He didn’t want to do something like that to someone that he actually liked. He felt like something was sitting on his chest and like his throat was a spider web that caught his breath. When had his act become something real? When had he become the mask?

Jesse had always felt for Hanzo’s situation. It wasn’t pity, but a sort of sympathy, he supposed. Jesse had never been taken hostage like that before – he liked to think it was because he was too good, but he knew it was because he was _lucky_. He’d been a scrawny little kid and would have been easy to scoop up and demand ransom for. Except Jesse wasn’t nearly as important as Hanzo and would have been left for dead.

But when had sympathy turned into actual feelings?

Jesse could kiss people and sleep people without getting attached; he could do the no strings attached thing. Why was his heart going soft _now_ of all times? This mission was too important; Kilgore and Adina had put a lot of trust in him for this. Getting feelings felt like _betraying_ the people who had become his family. If they found out they weren’t going to be able to trust him ever again… And he’d never live it down! Everyone already thought he was a soft shit….

And that didn’t start on the fact that Jesse didn’t want to hurt _Hanzo_. If he went through with worming information out of him, Hanzo would never forgive him. Usually that wouldn’t bother him, but the idea of _Hanzo_ hating him made his chest hurt and his stomach churn with nausea.

_I can’t…_

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Jesse groaned and rubbed at his face. There was no answer from his empty room, not that he had actually expected one. He ran his hands through his hair and crunched into a small ball. “…I’m not supposed to be like this…I’m…not…” _This isn’t what I want…_

Jesse felt his breath hitch and his shoulders start shaking. _No. No, I’m not going to cry. No. I refuse._ He held his breath, closed his eyes, and curled up even tighter. He could feel his face getting hot, his eyes watering, and he cursed under his breath at both. He hadn’t felt like this in ages, so confused and _helpless_. He absolutely hated it. He hated feeling powerless, weak, worthless. All Jesse wanted to do was run away and never look back, but he knew that Kilgore and Adina would track him down. He knew they’d drag him back and then he’d face Deadlock justice. Jesse had seen Deadlock justice doled out before and he’d vowed that he’d never wind up in that situation…

Yet he was sitting here and considering running away at the risk of that justice. All because he didn’t want to do the task that was assigned of him. _I’m a coward, I can barely admit what I’m supposed to do to him…ha…_

“Fuck…”

What would running away even accomplish? Jesse knew that it was likely they’d drag him back kicking and screaming – and it would only make Hanzo’s situation worse. It wouldn’t save Hanzo, it would just be Jesse saving himself. It would be him being a dirty coward and running away from his issues like he usually did.

He bit his lower lip hard enough that he tasted blood in his mouth as he tried to hold back a sob. There was no good answer for this. Either he got the information out of Hanzo, someone else was assigned to do so, or Jesse ran away. If he just went and got the information out of him, Hanzo would be able to go home safely…at least that was his impression of the situation. The other ones likely meant that Hanzo would wind up staying with Deadlock even longer…

If Jesse went through with the job he was supposed to do Hanzo would never forgive him, Hanzo would hate him, but Hanzo would likely be _safe_. They’d likely never see each other again and life would go on. Jesse would feel awful about what he did…but he could at least know that he got Hanzo away from Deadlock.

He coiled up in sheets that still smelled of Hanzo and tried to muffle his tears by shoving his face into the pillows. Jesse would go through with it because he was a coward. He didn’t want to lose his standing, he didn’t want to run away, he didn’t want to face Deadlock justice. He’d hate himself for doing it, but he had to do it in order to get Hanzo back home safely. Even if doing so would break his heart. For the first time in many years, Jesse’s body was wracked with sobs that shook him to the core.

_I’m sorry Hanzo…_

* * *

 

Things had been going smoothly since that candlelit date, or as smoothly as things could go when Jesse’s gut clenched with uncomfortable guilt every time he saw Hanzo. He figured he’d enjoy the times they had together even though he was going to do this job. He was being selfish, he knew it, but he just wanted a few more happy times. He wanted to see Hanzo smile and laugh; he wanted to enjoy the flip-flop sensation that went through his stomach whenever he saw Hanzo do either. He wanted to enjoy it as long as he could.

For now, they were out on his balcony. The Santa Fe sun was high in the sky with barely any clouds in sight. It was beautiful out. But Jesse was far more struck by the sight of Hanzo’s head resting in his lap with the most content smile he’d ever seen. He was radiant; Hanzo really was the most attractive man Jesse had ever laid eyes on. He wasn’t entirely sure how Hanzo was keeping comfortable, he knew the balcony’s floor wasn’t exactly comfortable…

But he wasn’t about to move Hanzo.

“Jeez, you’re like a cat.” Jesse chuckled lightly as he ran fingers through a few strands of loose hair. “All baskin’ in the sunlight and nappin’. It’s real cute.”

Hanzo opened one eye and huffed up at Jesse. “Not a cat.”

Despite that insistence, Hanzo didn’t budge from Jesse’s lap and he didn’t complain at all. He really was cute when he was like this. “S’much as I want to let you nap out here, you’ll get sunburn, sweetheart. Why don’t we talk? That way if you start feelin’ toasty, we can get you inside.”

 _I’m a terrible person, I’m sorry Hanzo. I wish things were different_. If they started talking, Hanzo might finally spill some information. Jesse would just have to talk about himself.

“Fine fine…” Hanzo stretched lightly and settled back onto Jesse’s lap. “I’m not good at talking with people, though. I’m ‘prickly’ and ‘don’t play well with others’.”

“I’d say you play with me just fine.” Jesse purred if only to see Hanzo’s face turn bright red from the innuendo. “But don’tcha worry. We can just chat about random shit.”

On cue, Hanzo’s face rivaled a beet and he sputtered a little. Jesse found it quite endearing. “I’m not big on small talk, but okay.”

Jesse wasn’t really sure where to start though – as much as he was the chatty, flirty guy on base, he didn’t much care for small talk either. He liked meaningful conversation, but the starting niceties weren’t his favorite thing. “…you know I joined Deadlock when I was thirteen? Been here so long…hard to remember what life was like before this…”

That was a bit of a white lie – Jesse remembered his home life vividly. His mother’s laugh, her cooking, how she had smiled with her whole face…and he remembered his mother’s health slowly starting to deteriorate and him wanting to take things into his own hands. _I was such an idiot…_

“…that young?” Hanzo opened his eyes fully and stared up at Jesse. “Why though?”

Jesse let out a bitter snort and continued toying with the long strands of black hair. “My ma was gettin’ sick, work was gettin’ hard for her. I just wanted to help her out.”

It was a story that was more than a little familiar around the Deadlock base. It wasn’t always a sick family member or wanting to help, but Deadlock almost exclusively recruited people under eighteen. Jesse knew now it was because they had more impressionable, malleable brains. They could be convinced to do things easier. _And yet I consider these people ‘family’…I’m so fucked up_

“A noble reason to join, I suppose. But…why Deadlock?”

Jesse understood the confusion. There wasn’t much reason to join Deadlock – they were notorious in the area. Everyone knew to stay away from them. Being associated with Deadlock was a surefire way to get yourself marked a as an irredeemable delinquent. “They weren’t identifying themselves as Deadlock. I was just runnin’ errands for them. I was real quick on my feet, ya know? They liked me because of that.” He laughed, but it was such a bitter sound. “All I wanted to do was help her, but I couldn’t go home after I wound up killin’ someone. Didn’t want to look her in the eye…” Another sigh. “She left Santa Fe, I’ve no idea where she is now…”

It was the truth. Jesse didn’t know where his mother was and he honestly wasn’t sure he wanted to find her. He didn’t think he could face her after everything he’d done. Silence fell between them. It was a weighty topic to open with, but it felt right. And Jesse never really got to talk about things like this. _Still being selfish, I’m such an asshole._

“I’m sorry, Jesse.” Hanzo shifted a little and hummed. “You already know some about my family. It’s just me, my little brother, and my father left.”

That caught Jesse off guard – he had expected Hanzo to say that the clan was his family. After all, they were the Shimada clan, right? Why _wouldn’t_ he consider them family? “You’ve mentioned your brother a few times.” Jesse managed a smile and kept petting Hanzo’s hair.

“Genji and I are rather close. He makes sure I live a little.” Hanzo smiled and closed his eyes again. “My father is…cold…because he has to be. It is what is expected of the leader of the Shimada. It’s what is expected of me as well.” His smile faded a little. “The elders are very insistent on that…”

Jesse had heard of the Shimada clan elders, but didn’t really understand why they had so much power. If there was a clan leader, there didn’t need to be elders right? He would have thought it was a one or the other sort of thing. “Sounds like the elders are right bastards.”

Hanzo outright laughed at that and nodded. “They are. They control every aspect of my life. I’ve had a very sheltered, very strict upbringing. Genji has more freedom…I would sneak out with him sometimes, but they’d always know…and their punishments are harsh.” He paused and frowned deeply. “Sometimes they try to get me to get Genji to fall in line, but father always intervenes.”

He wasn’t entirely sure if Hanzo was irritated with the elders for trying to get Genji in line or irritated with his father for letting Genji run free. It was hard to tell. He was going to assume it was the former.

Jesse had made a comment in his first interrogation session with Hanzo that he was brainwashed – part of it had just been him bluffing. But…it really seemed like he _had_ been brainwashed. To an extent. _Fucking hell…I really…I’m sorry, Han, I don’t want to do this to you, I’m so sorry…_

“Damn…that’s a lot of pressure on an eighteen year old…” Jesse whistled. “You sure didn’t come off as sheltered when I first met you. You were drinkin’ whiskey and wearin’ the tightest damn jeans I’ve ever seen.” And, in a way, Hanzo had been alluring. Jesse wouldn’t have guessed that he was sheltered.

“Part of my training.” Hanzo had an almost coy smile on his face.

Jesse supposed that made some sense. “I would _hate_ being that controlled.” But it made him wonder how much of that coy expression was actually Hanzo and how much was the product of his training.

“I’m used to it.” Hanzo shrugged slightly. “I do what the elders say. I haven’t refused an order yet, everything has been relatively reasonable.”

Jesse assumed that the ‘relatively’ part dealt with the whole ‘being sent to America’ thing. If that wasn’t the ‘relatively,’ Jesse wasn’t entirely sure he _wanted_ to know what Hanzo had been ordered to do. But…the fact that the elders were the true clan leaders was new information to him. He’d have to pass that on to Kilgore and Adina. He supposed that wasn’t too bad? There were worse things he could pass on…this might not wind up hurting Hanzo too badly…

“Still…” Jesse sighed and continued running his fingers through Hanzo’s hair. He supposed any argument he might bring up in favor of freedom wouldn’t really matter to Hanzo – it wasn’t like he had tasted freedom ever. Or the few tastes he’d had were short-lived and punished harshly.

“It is my duty; it’s what I was born to do.” Hanzo trailed fingers along the complicated tattoo on his left arm. “Though…I do wonder why they haven’t attempted to get me back.”

Jesse bit his lower lip at how hurt and gutted Hanzo sounded. That was honestly something Jesse was wondering about as well. If Hanzo was the heir apparent, why wouldn’t they be expending resources to come and rescue him? Sure, there was the whole idea of ‘testing’ someone…but it just didn’t feel right. Sending Hanzo, by himself, to the United States on a mission that was doomed to fail…

It was beyond suspicious.

It wasn’t like Deadlock was hard to locate – obviously. They’d been able to give Hanzo the exact area he needed to be in and a few bars for him to check out. It was clear that the Shimada clan knew where Hanzo was – they just weren’t bothering to check in on him or get him out of danger. _I don’t understand why he’s so loyal to them…if I was in that position I’d just walk away…_

Jesse was silent for a minute as that thought whirled through his mind. No, no he wouldn’t leave. Because he knew that Deadlock wouldn’t expend any effort to try and get him back. At all, whatsoever. He was just as expendable as any of the guys at Deadlock – he just happened to be a better shot than most of them. Kilgore and Ainda wouldn’t risk their hides to save _him_.

“Can’t rightly say, Han.” Jesse’s voice was soft when he spoke. He didn’t really know what to say to that – certainly not the thoughts going through his mind. “Maybe Deadlock didn’t let ‘em know we have you.”

“That’s a possibility, but one would hope they’d check in on me if I didn’t check in for so long. Perhaps…business is busy.” Hanzo sounded so unsure. Lost. The tone stabbed into his heart and twisted. “I won’t dwell on it.”

That was a lie, Jesse could tell that easily enough. Hanzo was going to dwell on his clan seemingly abandoning him. “Probably for the best.” But it wasn’t his place to call Hanzo out on his lies. It wouldn’t do any good at this point.

“It’s strange…” Hanzo closed his eyes and hummed. Jesse could feel the vibrations through his torso. “I’m a prisoner here, but I feel freer than I do when I’m at home.”

 _Cages don’t always look like cages._ Jesse knew it better than most. There were many that thought Deadlock was freedom, but once you were in, you were in for life. Any attempts at leaving meant you faced Deadlock justice. Deadlock was a prison just as much as the one he faced if he was brought to justice for his crimes, maybe even more than that one. _Guess that says something about how he feels about me. That should make me happy, but it just makes me feel like a fucking asshole._

“Flatterer.” Jesse pulled out the flirty, charming tone to lighten the mood some. It was part to help cheer Hanzo up after heavy conversation, but it was mainly so Jesse could stop focusing on the fact that he was going to pass information on to the bosses. It felt like he was selling Hanzo out… “Makin’ me feel all special.”

“I wouldn’t allow just anyone to see me like this, Jesse.” Hanzo’s eyes were open again and Jesse could see the beautiful, rich brown. They were so much warmer than one would expect of the heir to the Shimada clan.

But Hanzo’s words twisted the knife that was already in his heart. Jesse knew it was true. Hanzo Shimada wouldn’t let just anyone see him with his guard down, when he was vulnerable. But he let Jesse see him like that. Hanzo trusted him. And Jesse was going to shatter that trust. _God Hanzo…I’m so sorry. Don’t think I’m ever going to stop apologizing and I never expect you to actually forgive me. Hell, **I** won’t forgive me._

It was almost like Jesse was mourning the loss of what they could have had if the situation was different. If Hanzo wasn’t the heir to the Shimada, if Jesse wasn’t a no-good member of Deadlock. Though…if they weren’t who they were, they never would have crossed paths in the first place.

Jesse continued to steer the conversation away from dark, heavy topics. Call him selfish, but he wanted one afternoon with Hanzo where they could have their guards down, where they could be happy. He wanted to pretend that he wasn’t going to go through with what he had to do. He wanted to pretend that he was braver than he actually was – that he wasn’t going to throw away a relationship that had become so dear to him in so little time.

Just one more afternoon…

Just a little longer together…just a little longer before he ruined everything.

Just a little longer until Hanzo hated him.

 

* * *

 

The walk down the hallway felt more like Jesse was walking to the gallows than walking to meet up with the bosses. His stomach was boiling with nausea and he was fidgeting more than a nervous teenager on his first date. He doubted he’d ever felt like this when he was talking to the bosses. Sure, he’d been nervous, but not to this extent. It felt like he was walking on a tightrope and that one misstep would result in him crashing to the ground hundreds of feet below.

He’d always known it was possible to fall for a mark – he’d watched it happen to other Deadlocks. Jesse had never thought it would happen to him. He’d always been so careful when trying to extract information; he’d always taken great care to not get attached to people. And then along comes Hanzo Shimada with his coy smiles and unbreakable dragon persona and surprisingly vulnerable actual self and Jesse falls hard and fast. Something had drawn him to Hanzo and Jesse couldn’t put his finger on it. Sure…there were some similarities between the two of them…

He supposed it didn’t really matter in the long run. Jesse was going to break Hanzo’s heart and trust anyway. There was no sense in figuring out _why_ he was drawn to Hanzo when he wasn’t going to be able to stay with him. It was best to try and move on…

Jesse had to protect himself a little bit, at least.

He paused outside the lounge and tried to straighten his head out a little. Jesse couldn’t go in there all jittery and troubled. Adina and Kilgore would know something was wrong like sharks can smell blood in the water. They’d exploit it and Jesse’s feelings, no doubts about it, would be discovered and exploited even more. He closed his eyes and exhaled roughly before straightening his hat and adjusting his shirt. Jesse let the cool, charming persona slide into place.

Only once he was certain that he was under control did Jesse knock on the door. It wasn’t something that was required, knocking, but it did seem polite. He opened the door and poked his head in. Kilgore and Adina were staring at the door with slightly perplexed expressions.

“Something wrong, Jesse?” Kilgore stretched lazily before grabbing for his drink and shotgunning half of it. “The prisoner refusing food again?”

“No, no. He’s fine.” Jesse entered the lounge and stood with his hands behind his back – much like a soldier would. Respectful, projecting strength. “But you had me tryin’ to get information out of him and, uh, I finally got some?” The words tasted like poison and nearly made him vomit on the spot. _I’m sorry Hanzo…_

Silence stretched between the three of them. Jesse supposed that enough time had elapsed since they’d taken Hanzo prisoner that it seemed like getting information was a lost cause. Why they’d tried to get information by force, Jesse would never rightly know. It was such a stupid idea, Shimada clan was Yakuza and a bunch of ninja to boot – surely the bosses would have realized that they had a few ideas on how to keep calm during interrogations. Jesse had always been much more into the idea of using kindness to get information. People didn’t suspect you as much, kindness got people to lower their guard. It just took longer…

Though he supposed it only really worked if you didn’t get attached. This was the first time Jesse felt guilty about doing his job. _I don’t deserve your trust, Hanzo._

“Well, here I’d thought we’d just be holding onto him until the Shimada clan came to get him or paid ransom or _something._ ” Adina looked mildly impressed. That didn’t help how Jesse felt. “Well, the information is only useful if you actually tell us it. Go on.”

Jesse was surprised that he managed to stay calm; that his nerves and guilt didn’t start pouring out when he started trying to speak. But he was selfishly grateful for it – he didn’t want Kilgore and Adina finding out about his feelings and forcing him to wring more information out Hanzo because of said feelings. _That’s all I am, a selfish asshole._ “The elders are the true clan leaders.”

“Well no shit.” Kilgore laughed. “They ain’t called elders for no reason.”

Jesse rolled his eyes and thanked the stars that he had enough rapport with Kilgore and Adina to get away with it. “I mean, we always thought it was a council, right? That the head of the Shimada conferred with the elders but the decision ultimately fell with the head of the Shimada.” He waited for the two of them to nod. “Not how it works. The Shimada leader is just a figurehead. The elders call all the shots.”

He imagined that the elders wrapped ideas in ways that it seemed like the leader’s idea all along. After all, they couldn’t have their puppet realizing that he was a puppet. There was a pang in Jesse’s chest as he realized that Hanzo’s future was to be the puppet of the Shimada elders. That he already was…after all…Hanzo hadn’t refused an order yet.

His eyes drifted over to Kilgore and Adina – both of whom looked far too pleased by the news Jesse had delivered. He wasn’t entirely sure why – Jesse figured it would be far easier to ingratiate yourself to _one_ person rather than a group of people. It would be far cheaper to bribe _one_ versus a group. At least that’s what Jesse assumed.

“This really explains so much.” Adina’s voice was hushed and she motioned for Jesse to close the door to the lounge. And lock it. Jesse, of course, did as he was told. “I had been trying to figure out why the Shimada heir would allow himself to be sent on a mission that was clearly a set-up.”

Jesse was back to standing with his hands behind his back – if only so the bosses didn’t see him wringing his hands. “I mean…I wondered too…”

Hanzo’s mother had been killed by Deadlock, he supposed that was motivation to take on the mission. But it was equally as much motivation to _resist_ the mission. There wasn’t reason to scope out information on Deadlock, it wasn’t like the Deadlock gang and Shimada clan ran in the same circles. There wasn’t any real reason for the Shimada clan to be watching them. Jesse had known that the whole time…and it had been bothering him the whole time.

“Elders convince Sojiro that it’s a good idea to send Hanzo to Santa Fe to gain information on us, Sojiro relents and sends the fucking heir to the entire organization – by himself – into the snake pit.” Kilgore barked out a laugh and shook his head. “Gotta wonder what they were planning on doing while Hanzo was occupied, certainly something Hanzo wouldn’t agree with.”

Jesse didn’t like how that sounded. At all. Him telling the bosses about this wasn’t supposed to be some big revelation, it was supposed to be enough information to appease them and get them to send Hanzo home or something. It was supposed to be enough to save his skin. It wasn’t supposed to be…this…

_Oh god I’m sorry Han…I’m so sorry…_

“We’ll figure out what they were up to.” Adina already had a tablet in hand and was browsing at an alarming rate. “I wonder if we should start looking into allying with the Shimada…”

Jesse’s brows knitted together at those words. Why in the name of anything would the Shimada clan ally with Deadlock? Even if Hanzo had a soft spot for Jesse – which a nasty voice in the back of Jesse’s mind reminded him that the soft spot would be gone once Hanzo figured out what he’d done – he wouldn’t ally with Deadlock. After all, they’d been the ones who killed his mother. Sojiro had pretty firm opinions on Deadlock as well. Jesse could sum those opinions up with ‘no-good gunrunners, scum’ and various other descriptions like that. Trying to ally with the Shimada was stupid at best and suicidal at worst. Jesse couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that one of his bosses was at least _toying_ with the idea.

“Keep doing what you’ve been doing with Hanzo, Jesse.” Kilgore glanced up from his drink and tablet. For a second Jesse thought that he knew _everything_ that they’d been getting up to, but that was impossible. “Might be beneficial for us to have someone the Shimada won’t shoot on sight.”

He supposed that was true…

A little bubble of hope started expanding in his chest as his imagination started running away from him. Jesse wondered if relations got good enough with the Shimada if Deadlock would need a liaison or something like that. Jesse would be good in that role…he was polite and charming…and Hanzo already liked him…

_He won’t like me if he finds out that I’m the one who told the bosses this._

And just like that, the bubble was gone and the same hollowness that he’d been feeling his chest was back – except worse. It was strange how much emptiness felt like something was sitting on his chest, how much it _hurt_. Jesse had finally managed to have something good in his life, something that made him _happy_ , and he’d ruined it.

“Got it.” Jesse was glad that his voice was even when he spoke, especially when he felt like a train wreck. “Need anything else from me?”

“Proud of you.” Kilgore actually smiled in his direction. “Knew you had it in you.”

Those words should have made him feel good, but they only made Jesse feel worse about the situation. Adina smiled in his direction as well and a powerful wave of nausea washed over him fast enough that his knees nearly buckled. He took that a sign to leave. He tipped his hat and exited the lounge, cool as can be, and then rushed straight to one of the communal bathrooms.

Jesse barely made it in time. He collapsed in one of the stalls and threw up his breakfast. He closed his eyes and tried to get his breathing back under control. But he couldn’t. Kilgore wanted him to keep everything going – he wanted him to keep charming Hanzo after betraying him. He wanted him to get more information; while the words hadn’t been said, they were certainly implied. After all, Jesse had to prove that he was getting work done. He had to prove that he was useful or Deadlock would decide he wasn’t worth keeping around anymore…

_I really hate myself…_

Jesse rested against the cool metal of the stall’s divider and tried to ignore the tears that were forming at the corners of his eyes. He hated crying, but he couldn’t stop them at this point. Kilgore wanted him to keep up what he was doing, even though he’d already ruined everything by passing on information. He’d have to pretend everything was okay…he’d have to hide the fact that it felt like the world was shattering around him.

Hanzo didn’t deserve this. Hanzo deserved someone who would treat him right, someone who wouldn’t pass information. Someone who would respect his secrets, someone he could trust. Jesse clearly wasn’t that person.

He rubbed at his face and fought down more nausea. He couldn’t get the fact that Kilgore and Adina were _excited_ by the information out of his mind. Their smiles, their pride in him. Jesse couldn’t shake the feeling that everything was going to get worse. There were whistles and bells screaming at him that the worst had yet to come – and he knew it hadn’t. Hanzo’s reaction was going to be the worst. Hanzo hating him.

_I’m sorry…_

 

* * *

 

 

It took a good half hour for Jesse to drag himself out of the bathroom to the showers. Even after letting hot water pelt his back for damn near an hour he still felt filthy. But there wasn’t enough hot water in the world to get rid of the feeling of traitor on his skin. After brushing his teeth, he tugged clean clothes on half-heartedly and sighed. He had to go check in on Hanzo soon. It was something he should be happy about, he loved seeing Hanzo…

But passing that information on to Kilgore and Adina…

Jesse wasn’t entirely sure that he’d be able to meet Hanzo’s eyes at this point. He certainly didn’t deserve to go and see the man he cared about so much. There was a voice in the back of his mind repeating over and over that he’d just being doing his job – but Jesse knew that didn’t erase his guilt. The fact that he was doing his job didn’t absolve him of his crimes in the eyes of the law and it certainly didn’t change what he’d done to Hanzo. Being sorry didn’t change it either.

He knew how it was going to see to Hanzo. That Jesse had only been kind to him to get information…and really…it had started that way. But somewhere along the way Jesse had fallen for him for real. The charade had become reality. But he knew that Hanzo wasn’t going to see it that way. Jesse would be lumped in with all of Deadlock and Jesse honestly thought that he deserved it.

Jesse glanced down at his watch and sighed. At this point, he was _late_ in checking in on Hanzo. He exhaled hard and got to his feet. He rubbed a rough hand across his face and tried to pull himself together – this was likely the last bit of time they’d have together before Kilgore and Adina spoke to Hanzo. It was incredibly selfish of him…but he wanted to enjoy their time together while he still could. He wanted one last night of Hanzo looking at him like he mattered; he wanted one last good memory.

Jesse knew he didn’t deserve anything like that…but he desperately wanted one more night. _So fucking selfish…I should just tell him and face the music…_ But the idea of doing that almost made him puke right then and there. He was nothing but a dirty coward traitor. The worst type of person.

He started making his way to Hanzo’s room and made sure to walk tall and with his shoulders back. Jesse wanted to project that everything was fine, that he wasn’t someone to be fucked with. He didn’t want anyone in Deadlock to know that he was falling apart inside and five seconds away from a full on breakdown. He didn’t want _Hanzo_ to know how upset he was, or why he was upset. It didn’t take long to get there. After only a few seconds of hesitation, Jesse opened the door.

“Hey there. Doin’ okay today, sugarplum?” Jesse hooked his fingers into the belt loops of his jeans and leaned against the wall casually.

Hanzo looked like he had been asleep before Jesse opened the door. His hair was mussed, his cheeks pink, and his eyes were barely open. Most of all…he almost looked _relaxed._ Jesse’s breath caught. _He’s so damn beautiful…_

“Yeah…doing okay.” Hanzo yawned and got to his feet. “Sleepy.”

Jesse felt his heart clench at how _innocent_ Hanzo seemed as he shuffled around the room in a sleepy daze. He knew that Hanzo wasn’t – he was the Shimada heir through and through. But…he looked so young. He might not be innocent, but he certainly didn’t deserve what was coming.

“Well, why don’t we go for a walk so you can wake up some, hm?” _Selfish, I’m fucking selfish._

“Sounds nice.” Hanzo stretched and Jesse caught himself staring at how the oversized sweatpants barely managed to cling to his hips. The sight was nearly enough to take his breath away.

Jesse shook the thoughts away from his mind, smiled, and motioned for Hanzo to follow him. There was the pervasive thought that Hanzo was going to be able to tell that something was wrong – that Jesse had betrayed him. But he knew if he kept focusing on that particular thought that Hanzo _would_ be able to figure something out. Maybe not the truth, but he’d know that something was wrong. Maybe it was better that he figured it out…

“You’re quiet today, cowboy.” Hanzo’s voice was soft; Jesse knew it was in case there were cameras trained on them.

He’d say it was paranoia, but it definitely fell under ‘rightfully cautious’ rather than paranoia. Despite having been at Deadlock for so long, Jesse didn’t really know if there were cameras set up in the halls or rooms or the exterior. He just hoped that there weren’t. If there were, Kilgore and Adina already knew what he’d been getting up to. Though he supposed they might assume he was doing it purely for the sake of getting information.

“Just thinkin’.” Jesse flashed his best smile at Hanzo. _I wish things were different, darlin’._

Hanzo made a soft ‘hm’ noise in response – it was clear that he wanted to ask Jesse what he was thinking about, but wasn’t quite willing to do so while they were in the middle of the hallway. After all, what if another Deadlock heard them talking so casually? At least that’s what Jesse assumed was going through Hanzo’s head. As good as he was with people; sometimes it was difficult to read Hanzo. Well, at least when his guard was up. Once the walls came down, Jesse could read him more easily.

Though he wasn’t exactly proud of that ability now, quite the opposite, actually.

The walk back to his room didn’t take very long and while it was quiet, it didn’t feel uncomfortable. Jesse was the type of guy who appreciated quiet more than others realized, so finding someone who understood that small talk was troublesome and tiring was rare and lucky. _And I’ve gone and fucked everything up. Good job, McCree._

It felt like every time he found something that was good, it had to get ruined somehow. He found a way to help his mom so she didn’t have to work so hard and it wound up being Deadlock. He earns Deadlock’s trust except that means he’s with Deadlock for life. He starts making progress with getting information from their important prisoner, but falls for said prisoner. Jesse finds a man he cares about so much and betrays his trust to save his own skin. As dramatic as it was to even think it, it felt like misfortune followed him wherever he went.

_Not the time for these thoughts…_

Jesse opened the door to his room for Hanzo and motioned for him to enter with a slight bob of his head. His room was still relatively clean, though there were a few stray clothes strewn here and there. He couldn’t really help it, he tended toward being messy. The fact that his room had stayed _this_ clean was impressive for him. His mother had likened him to a tornado more than once – he left destruction in his path when he lived in a space.

“What’s on your mind, cowboy?” Jesse loved how low Hanzo’s voice was when he spoke and how much his voice had softened up. The playful smile on the other man’s face was enough to make his heart ache.

 _You are, darlin’. Just wish it was for better reasons._ “You.” Jesse answered truthfully and made his tone coy and flirty.

But now that he had Hanzo in his room, Jesse wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to do. No, that was a lie. He knew what he _wanted_ to do, but he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He rubbed at the back of his neck and moved over to the little mini-fridge tucked to one side. He knew he had some snacks and drinks tucked in here…that would help things a little. Food would help him relax some. Jesse kind of wanted a drink, but he wanted his mind clear as well. Kind of. It was hard to decide exactly what he wanted.

“Going to elaborate on that?”

Jesse could feel the heat of Hanzo’s eyes on him, but didn’t turn around quite yet. No, he merely hummed in response and kept rummaging through the mini-fridge and pulled out a couple sodas and grabbed his stash of candy. He would have offered up the brownies he’d made for their date, but the rest of the brownies had mysteriously disappeared. In reality, Jesse had eaten all of them but didn’t really want to admit that, not even to himself.

“Maybe, maybe not.” Jesse plunked down next to Hanzo on the bed and handed him one of the sodas. He set down the pile of candy between them. “Figured my sweetheart needed something sweet as a treat.” He cringed internally at the rhyme.

He expected Hanzo to roll his eyes, but the faintest of blushes spread across his cheekbones instead. He grabbed up some sweets and opened the soda. “Well, thank you. I do like sweets.”

 _And he doesn’t deny being my sweetheart._ A bubble of warmth spread through his chest at the mere thought, but it only lasted a moment. Jesse doubted Hanzo would still want to be his sweetheart after everything went down. The doubt slid down his throat like a lump of ice and settled hard into the pit of his stomach. Jesse distracted himself from the feeling by gulping down a third of his soda in one go.

“Mm, I remembered. Don’t share my stash with too many people.” Jesse didn’t actually remember who he’d shared it with last, that’s how long it had been. He supposed it didn’t really matter.

“I feel special then.” Hanzo made himself comfortable and popped a lollipop into his mouth.

It was an innocent action, Jesse knew it was, but it sucked the moisture from his mouth and made it hard to read. It was the sight of Hanzo’s lips wrapped around the lollipop and the pleased look on his face – it shot heat through Jesse’s body. _Jesus, calm down, McCree._

The two of them continued to chat about lighthearted things and chow down on candy for some time. The entire time, Jesse’s mind was wandering to the sight of Hanzo with that damn sucker. It was almost embarrassing how much that simple sight was getting to him. There was a secondary thought there, though. One that kept echoing through Jesse’s mind – _make him feel special._ Jesse wanted Hanzo to feel _good_.

Hanzo’s face with lit up as he talked about archery, even miming some of the steps for Jesse. His chestnut eyes were bright and the smile that stretched across Hanzo’s face was easy and calm – Jesse found him incredibly handsome in that moment. Before he could stop himself, he was leaning in and kissing him. Not like before – not all teeth and passion. This was slow as molasses, sweet and inching toward something more and more intense. Hanzo was first to break away from the kiss, his cheeks flushed, lips swollen, and breath heavy. _Gorgeous_.

“Doing okay there, cowboy?” There was a hint of challenge in his voice that made heat coil delightfully in Jesse’s belly.

“Mhm, doin’ great.” Jesse ran his hand along Hanzo’s cheek. “Just needed a taste of you too, ya know, ‘cause you’re so sweet.”

“You’re laying it on pretty thick.” Hanzo deadpanned in returned, but the way his lips were twitching told Jesse he was trying to hold back a smile. “You don’t need to flatter me.”

“It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.” Jesse hummed before taking Hanzo’s lips again.

The kiss was more heated this time, but still slow and almost tender. It was almost enough to take Jesse’s breath away. It only took another few moments of kissing for Hanzo to crawl into his lap and for Jesse’s mind to get hazy from the sensation of Hanzo’s strong body pressing up against his. It only took a few more moments for hands to start wandering – and only another second for Jesse to realize that there was something thrilling about the other man pinning him down. He moaned low against his lips as Hanzo rolled his hips and Jesse could feel just how aroused both of them were already.

“Mm…you want to keep goin’, sugar?” Jesse murmured before giving Hanzo a chaste peck and nipping at his lips.

“Yes…yes I do. Like last time?” Hanzo was breathless and his cheeks were a pretty shade of pink.

 _Beautiful_. Jesse hummed and shook his head. “Nah…different this time. I want _you_ , darlin’. But before that…I wanna do something real nice for you.” He wrapped an arm around Hanzo’s waist and held him close before flipping them so he was pressing Hanzo into the mattress. “That okay with you?”

“Yes…that’s okay.” While the words were plain and simple, the waver in Hanzo’s voice was delicious. Jesse really did like hearing that he had an effect on his partner.

 _I want you to feel good, Hanzo. I want you to be happy…_ Jesse wasted no time getting down to business. He delighted in every sound that Hanzo made, every little gasp and moan. He kissed him deep and slipped his hand between them to tease at Hanzo’s cock. Slowly, but surely, he slid Hanzo’s shirt off before kissing down his torso and pausing at his naval to peer up at his face. Hanzo was watching with rapt attention and a level of focus that Jesse didn’t expect for someone so turned on – his hair was disheveled and his face flushed. _He’s so beautiful…_

“May I?” Jesse’s fingers slid under the waistband of Hanzo’s sweatpants to tease at his hips.

He waited until Hanzo nodded before tugging down both sweatpants and underwear in one smooth motion. He licked his lips at the sight of Hanzo’s now exposed arousal before leaning in and kissing the tip. A hint of what was going to come. The sharp inhale of breath from Hanzo sent a shiver down his spine. He kissed the skin of his hips, his thighs, everywhere _but_ his cock, and smoothed circles into his skin with his fingers.

“Jesse…” There was already a shake in Hanzo’s voice, one that made Jesse _ache_.

Jesse blinked when fingers twined into his hair and tugged him in the direction of Hanzo’s cock. He chuckled lightly at the less than subtle hint and peered up at Hanzo through his bangs. “You want something, darlin’?”

“Stop teasing me.”

There was that authoritative tone that Jesse had only tasted during their last encounter, one that made him snap to attention and shiver with anticipation. He found he liked it, he liked it a lot. It was strange that just the tone of his voice could have such a pronounced effect on him, but he didn’t mind it in the least.

“Alright, alright…”

Jesse glanced at him once more and groaned when the grip on his hair tightened even more. Without any fanfare, Jesse took the head of Hanzo’s cock into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it. He liked the taste of Hanzo’s skin, even down here, maybe even _more_ down here. But what he liked the most was how he could feel him twitch and shake, how his voice went all breathy and almost reverent. It all made Jesse went to draw this out as long as he could, if only so he could keep hearing Hanzo like that. He took more of Hanzo into his mouth and settled into a rhythm of bobbing his head using his tongue to tease.

“Feels so… _fuck_ …Jesse that’s…”

Jesse moaned around his cock and took him as far into his mouth as he could, until his nose was pressed into neatly trimmed hair. It made his jaw ache, but the choked moan made it completely worth it. Hanzo’s hips were bucking ever so slightly, clearly seeking more pleasure, and his hand was subtly pressing him closer. Jesse let him do as he pleased, there was something about how Hanzo was almost fucking his face that made his cock ache for contact. He could tell Hanzo was getting close if only by how his hips shuddered and how his voice pitched higher and higher.

“Jesse…I’m going to…to…going to…” The words stumbled out of Hanzo’s mouth amidst moans and sharp intakes of breath.

Jesse didn’t stop, no, he took Hanzo in as deep as he could again. The closer Hanzo got to his orgasm, the more his hips bucked into Jesse’s mouth. He moaned around Hanzo and hollowed his cheeks while trying to peer up at Hanzo. He was breathtaking like this – his eyes closed tightly, cheeks flushed red, and mouth hanging open as he moaned. This was what Jesse wanted to remember, moments like this. Moments where it was just them. It made him want to draw this out forever.

But Hanzo’s grip tightened to an almost painful level and he groaned out Jesse’s name. That was all the warning he needed. He swallowed down everything he could, almost choking from how far Hanzo’s cock was in his mouth. Only once he was sure Hanzo had ridden out the entirety of his orgasm did he pull back.

“God you’re gorgeous.” Jesse breathed the words out as he shifted to Hanzo’s side to hold him close.

“…that was amazing…” Hanzo was panting and shaking. “You’re amazing.”

A sharp pang of guilt ran through Jesse and he merely hummed in response. He didn’t speak because he didn’t want to wind up lying to Hanzo. “Let’s just rest a minute…”

Hanzo made a soft noise that sounded like assent, but with how he was turning toward Jesse and reaching between them to palm his erection, Jesse was pretty sure it wasn’t.

“…I think you had mentioned wanting me?” Hanzo’s voice had dropped a half octave and was a purring tone that nearly made Jesse moan.

“Well…yes…but…” His voice trailed off into a low groan as Hanzo continued to tease at his cock. “Don’tcha need a minute…?”

“Don’t worry about me.” Hanzo leaned in and kissed him hard before rolling to rummage through the side table for what they’d need.

Jesse slid up further onto the bed and rested back against the pillows while watching Hanzo flit around. Soon enough, he was crawling back onto the bed and hovering over Jesse. Familiar heat coiled in him and he bit his lip to keep from making a noise. Jesse didn’t usually do this – let someone wrest the control away from him, but here he was freely giving it to Hanzo. _I…I want him to know I trust him…_

Hanzo was surprisingly gentle as he peeled Jesse out of his clothing. Jesse wasn’t used to be treated so kindly, wasn’t used to being treated as though he were something fragile and precious. It was almost too much for him, almost too tender. It was nothing like the heated one night affairs he’d been having for years, and even if the affection overwhelmed him, Jesse was certain the differences were good. He was slow and patient – he took the time to get Jesse to relax while preparing him, he took the time to make sure it was going to be good for both of them. _He’s…so kind…I don’t deserve someone like him…_

Jesse spread his legs to give him more room to work and held his breath as Hanzo sat between them and rolled the condom onto himself before lubing up. He exhaled slowly as Hanzo pressed against his well-prepared entrance and started pushing in. He could tell Hanzo was taking great care to move slowly, to take his time. Jesse really appreciated it – he really wasn’t used to bottoming. But…unlike all his other experiences, this time didn’t feel intrusive. Being treated so kindly…it wasn’t something Jesse knew how to handle.

Jesse moaned softly as Hanzo started rocking his hips in a teasing, testing motion. Even those little movements had pleasure shooting through his body. His hands rested against Hanzo’s hips and guided him to move faster, harder. But Hanzo merely leaned in, held Jesse close, and continued the slow, tender pace. It made Jesse’s breath catch, both from pleasure and how overwhelming it was. _I don’t deserve this kindness, I never have…why…why is he…_

They moved in tandem, soft pants and moans leaving both of them. Jesse wrapped his arms around Hanzo and held tightly to him, his face tucked against Hanzo’s shoulder. Each thrust sent sparks flashing across his vision and the soft, purring voice that whispered sweet, kind words into his ear left him shivering in Hanzo’s arms. _Why is he being so…nice…why…why do this for me?_

Everything was building, becoming so overwhelming. Jesse could feel tears burning in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He gasped when he felt one of Hanzo’s hands slide between them and wrap around his cock and start stroking him in time with their movements. It didn’t take much longer, not with how worked up Jesse was, not with those loving words being whispered against his ear. Climax crashed over him like waves in the ocean, inevitable and powerful. He gasped out Hanzo’s name and held tighter to him as his body quaked with pleasure. Hanzo’s hips stuttered as he hit his end and he breathed out Jesse’s name like he was the sweetest thing on the planet.

The two stayed cuddled up to each other for some time, until Jesse finally had to take Hanzo over to the mess hall for a meal and walk him back to his room. Something felt so very different now, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He kissed Hanzo good night in a secluded corner and left him in the room that served as his prison cell. He wandered back to his room and slumped back onto the still messy sheets.

Something was different now. Jesse _felt_ different. He felt light and pleased and so special. Even the mere thought of the way Hanzo had looked at him while they were having sex made a little trill of pleasure run through his body. The whole _act_ had felt different, if Jesse was honest with himself. So tender and caring…so intimate and close. So loving.

Jesse’s eyes went wide. _Loving_.

The act had been loving. Making love.

His chest tightened and he held a hand over his mouth. Jesse had never felt like this before, he’d never felt so light that it felt like he’d soar into the sky if he stepped foot outside. He’d never felt like he’d mattered like this, he’d never been treated so carefully…  _I ruined everything..._

“What have I done…” Jesse whispered into his hands. “Oh god, Hanzo, I’m _so_ sorry…I…I…” He couldn’t even say the words he wanted to say, he couldn’t admit them to himself.

And why admit them when the future was already decided? At least he’d have this memory, the one time he’d felt like he actually mattered. The one time he’d felt _loved_.

_I'm so sorry..._


	5. poisoned by your fly infested poetry, liar liar on the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 5 - _poisoned by your fly infested poetry, liar liar on the wall_
> 
> warnings for chapter: manipulation, intrusive thoughts, argument with yelling, emotional abuse (not from Jesse), implications of torture
> 
> Cameo by Ludger Will Kresnik from Tales of Xillia 2. Chapter title taken from the song Liar Liar by Kamelot.

# Part 5 – _poisoned by your fly infested poetry, liar liar on the wall_

 

Hanzo couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this – this yearning to be near someone, to be able to hear their voice, see their face. It felt like he was being dragged away by an undertow; a powerful, dangerous force of nature well out of the realm of his control. More frightening, he was completely willing to be pulled under. He was okay with being vulnerable, with letting someone see how he really felt, with letting someone see his heart.

It was scary – especially given the fact that Jesse was with an enemy faction. Hanzo was eventually going to have to go home. Even just the thought of being separated like that made his heart ache so much that he almost felt nauseous. So he was trying to avoid thinking about that. It was for the better.

Hanzo stared up at the ceiling as the hours dragged on. Today was an anomaly. Jesse usually would have checked in a few times by now, but he hadn’t been by at all. Nor had he mentioned having a mission. He had to wonder if Jesse was feeling okay – he didn’t want him to be sick or anything like that. He just had to assume that things were busy today and that Jesse would be swinging by later. _I never get like this over people…_

It wasn’t long until he heard the familiar sound of the door opening hissed through the room. Hanzo felt his heart flutter in anticipation of seeing Jesse and then kicked himself internally. _Do not moon after him like a lost puppy…_

He glanced over at the door and instead of seeing Jesse, he saw the bartender with silver and black hair. If Hanzo remembered right, Jesse had called him Ludger. The fact that someone other than Jesse was checking in on him didn’t sit well in Hanzo’s gut. Something about it just didn’t sit right and he couldn’t shake that feeling once it settled in, heavy and foreboding. _I’m being ridiculous; this just means he’s busy with other things. I can’t expect Deadlock to keep someone as skilled as Jesse on guard duty._

The look Ludger fixed Hanzo seemed to be apologetic, which did nothing for the terrible feeling in his gut or his nerves. No, it actively made everything worse. Ludger motioned for Hanzo to get to his feet and follow – apparently he didn’t much feel like talking. That was good, Hanzo didn’t much feel like talking either. Not when it felt like his stomach was tied in a knot.

The room that Hanzo was led to was one he was familiar with – it was the first room that Jesse had interrogated him in. Being back in it made his skin crawl and his stomach twist with nausea. There were no good memories here – and the room only served to remind Hanzo that Jesse was Deadlock. _I shouldn’t think about that right now…_

Ludger eased Hanzo down into a chair and cuffed one wrist to it. Hanzo bared his teeth and snarled at Ludger, but all he got in return was an apologetic look. He hadn’t been cuffed in what felt like ages and the fact that he was now made his thoughts race and anxiety start itching under his skin.

“Ah, thank you for bringin’ him, Kresnik. You can leave now.” The man who spoke didn’t seem familiar to Hanzo, at least not his voice.

Hanzo dragged his eyes over to the speaker – an older man who was built like a grizzly bear. His face was familiar, Hanzo had been shown pictures of gang leaders he may have to interact with in his future. This was Brook Kilgore, one of the co-leaders of the Deadlock gang. He looked a bit rougher around the edges than the picture Hanzo had seen – more grey hair, more scars – but still looked just as dangerous. He had been surprised that he hadn’t been shown to the Deadlock leaders yet – he made the assumption that they visited while he was unconscious. Perhaps they didn’t want to show him their faces, which made a little sense.

Hanzo shifted his focus to the woman sitting next to Kilgore – she had to be Adina Meyers. The Shimada clan hadn’t been able to acquire an incredible amount of data on her. No pictures, no details, barely information at all. He was surprised by how young Adina was – she couldn’t be out of her thirties yet. Hanzo knew better than to underestimate Adina just because she was younger and pretty. She was beautiful in a dangerous sort of way, like one might call a sword beautiful. He didn’t want to know how someone so young was running a gang as ruthless as Deadlock.

“You’ve been an interesting guest, Hanzo Shimada.” Adina leaned back in her chair and kicked her feet up on the table. “See…we were confused as to why you were here all by yourself. One little dragon isn’t going to do well in Deadlock territory.”

Honestly, Hanzo had been wondering exactly why he’d been sent as well. There was the whole ‘getting information about Deadlock’ and ‘keeping an eye on them’ – but why did the Shimada have to keep an eye on Deadlock? It’s not like their paths crossed very often, Hanzo’s father had made sure of that following the death of Hanzo’s mother.

“Especially when he walks into a Deadlock bar on the night one of our top members is runnin’ it. Bad luck, Shimada.” Kilgore hummed and rested his forearms against the table. Hanzo didn’t like how intense his gaze was; it made him feel like he was being picked apart. “We always assumed that someone in your clan had sold you out…and we weren’t wrong, but damn…”

Hanzo knew it was bait, he knew that he was being manipulated into asking _why_ Kilgore was so surprised. And he hated that he was walking right into it. “…what do you mean?”

“See, we thought someone low level had sold you out, given you shit information so you’d get caught and they could get the glory of recovery the Shimada heir.” Adina rocked back on the back two legs of her chair. The posture was so relaxed and lackadaisical that it just made Hanzo _cringe_. If he had been talking to a prisoner with that sort of posture, the elders would have made him _suffer_.

His issues with her posture aside, there was something concerning with how they were building everything up. Hanzo had made a similar assumption – that someone low ranking had given the elders bad information to try and get more standing in the clan. It made sense, at least it had made _enough_ sense for Hanzo to accept it as a likely reality. He wasn’t going to let them bait him into asking though, he didn’t want to give them what they wanted.

“We never expected that the clan elders were the ones that sold you out.” Kilgore sounded gleeful and his face reflected the sentiment. The smile on his face made a chill run down Hanzo’s spine. “But they did. Seems they wanted you out of Hanamura, had some things they wanted to get done.”

The words hit Hanzo harder than any punch he’d ever received. The elders had sold him out – they had sent him on a mission that they knew would result in capture (and maybe worse…?) on purpose. They had known this would happen. They let Hanzo get captured, they let him suffer, they didn’t send help because _they needed to get things done_.

 He felt his breath catch his in throat and he tried his hardest to keep his composure. _They sent me here, they knew, they knew…but why would they want me out of the picture? What were they doing…what did they do that I couldn’t be privy to?_ Hanzo was the heir to the clan, he usually sat in on important decisions so he could see how everything functioned. He’d been exposed to how the business worked at a very young age because it was his duty as eldest son. _I thought they trusted me…they’ve praised me so much…_

Hanzo honestly forgot that there were other people in the room with him, his thoughts and doubts devoured him and left no room for any distractions. He felt _sick_ for not realizing that the elders might be behind what happened to him – but why would he suspect people who had been guiding him since childhood? He snapped back to reality when one of them cleared their throat.

“Well, that confirms that he didn’t know.” Kilgore’s voice was softer for that, but his expression was still damn near gleeful.

It felt like he was fraying apart at the edges – this was tearing him apart and he didn’t know if he’d be able to put himself back together after everything was done. Hanzo felt his chest tightening, his throat going dry – it almost felt like the world was tipping upside down. His vision was tunneling in and going brown and spotty around the edges. _No, I can’t be like this now, I can’t…I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t!_ Hanzo forced himself to breathe deeply and tried to calm himself, or at least make himself _appear_ calm when the reality was that he was shattering.

“You’re lying.” Hanzo bit the words out between gritted teeth. _Okay, that’s not calm, but at least it’s not panic…?_

“Thought you might say that.” Adina stretched even further back in her chair and Hanzo hoped that it would tip over. It was spiteful, but he couldn’t help it. She grabbed a tablet and tapped a few things before projecting a few things up on the wall. “So we grabbed some proof.”

There were multiple images and it was taking Hanzo a moment to process through all of them. But the one that caught his attention the most was an article from a newspaper local to Hanamura. It was announcing the death of Shimada Sojiro. _That…that can’t be true. Father was fine…how…_ Hanzo’s chest constricted painfully – his father had been fine when Hanzo left for the states. He hadn’t been ill, there hadn’t been any threats from rival yakuza – Hanzo didn’t understand what could have changed in such a short period of time. _He can’t be…he can’t…how…_

His eyes flicked over the other images and felt his stomach churning with nausea. The one that still stuck out was the announcement of his father’s death, he doubted the fact that it stuck out was going to fade any time soon. But there were emails between elders, handwritten notes, all sorts of things. They were normal enough – the elders were allowed to communicate with one another, they had to communicate with each other. That’s how their business worked. But it was the content of the messages that was getting to Hanzo. Things like: _we can’t go through with this plan if Hanzo is in the country_ and _if we send him to investigate Deadlock he won’t even question it_ and _once he is disposed of we will fully rule the clan._ There were other small details – like the fact that they knew Deadlock wouldn’t kill him. They knew exactly how valuable Shimada Hanzo was. The implications weren’t lost on him. He fully understood what they were getting at and it made him sick. Betrayal was the only word he knew that explained how he was feeling. _Why…why would they do this…they…I trusted…_

“We never would have started lookin’ if McCree didn’t tell us that the head of the Shimada is basically a figurehead.” Kilgore smirked and let out a barking laugh. “We’ve never gotten in good with Shimada before, but your elders seem to like us well enough.”

It was like the floor was tilting or the room tipping upside down – this was too much too fast. Hanzo couldn’t handle it, his mind could barely process that the elders had…no…he couldn’t believe it. Or he could but he very much didn’t want to. _But…Jesse? Jesse told them something…? Why would he…_

And the implication that the Shimada elders might ally with Deadlock was hanging over him like a guillotine. _They wouldn’t…they…I don’t think they would…_ But how much did Hanzo _really_ know about the elders?

A nasty voice in the back of Hanzo’s mind reminded him that Jesse was part of Deadlock. That it was his job to do things like this. But that didn’t lessen the blow. He thought they’d gone past that. He thought that Jesse cared. _If he cared he wouldn’t do something like this…_ He knew that Kilgore and Adina were saying words, but he couldn’t hear them. All that was going through his mind that his father was dead, the elders had betrayed him, and so had Jesse.

_I need to get out of here. I need…I need…I don’t know what I need, but I need to get out of here!_ Hanzo gritted his teeth. One wrist was bound. He could get out easily enough. He stood up abruptly and slammed back against the wall – the flimsy chair shattered. As much as he just wanted to make a break for it, he knew that Kilgore and Adina were going to try and stop him. Or something. He didn’t care.

He flipped the table that sat in between them and delighted in the startled yelps that left both Kilgore and Adina. Hanzo’s thoughts were spiraling and solidifying into a heavy stone that weighed all of his actions down. He was barely aware of what he was doing – barely conscious of the fact that he’d darted over the upturned table and was starting to attack Kilgore for daring to be the one to deliver the news to him.

Pain flashed through his mind and left him dazed and confused. Hanzo’s eyes tracked around the room and settled on the one guard he had forgotten about. There was a blunt club in his hand. _Oh fuck…_

Hanzo crumpled to the ground as he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

Hanzo woke to a blinding headache, soreness in his body, and the inability to move. He groaned and tried to shield his eyes from the overhead light, but frowned when something held his wrist in place. _I’m bound again…why the hell am I bound again…? Jesse wouldn’t…_

His memory returned to him slowly – the news that his father was dead, that his clan had betrayed him, and that _Jesse_ had been the one to deliver information about him to Deadlock. Hanzo’s stomach rolled unpleasantly and he felt nausea rising in the back of his throat. _This can’t be happening…this isn’t…_ He tugged his wrist again and grunted when it firmly stayed put.

His heart was hammering in his chest and he genuinely believed that he might get ill if he didn’t get away from where he was right now. He struggled against his binds, his back arching off of the hard bed he’d been put on. Hanzo couldn’t make any headway in freeing himself. _What are they going to do with me now…? I attacked their leaders…_

Before his thoughts could spiral out of control, the sound of the door opening echoed through the room. Hanzo jolted and continued fighting against his binds – he refused to be in such a vulnerable position while surrounded by enemies! Guilt flooded his mind when he realized that he had thought of Jesse as an enemy…but why else would he pass on information about Hanzo…? He didn’t want to think of Jesse as an enemy…he thought they had something special…

He thought that Jesse cared about him…

“I’m sorry.” Jesse’s familiar voice rang out in the room. “You attacked, so they ordered you be bound again. I’m sorry.”

_No, I’m not ready to see him, I can’t see him yet…I don’t know how I’m supposed to react yet!_ Hanzo squirmed and tried to wriggle his wrists free to no avail.

“Ah…darlin’, c’mon, just settle, it’s okay!” Jesse’s voice was pained. The overhead lights made it difficult to see Jesse’s expression, but Hanzo could tell his brows were knitted together with worry.

Hanzo flinched when Jesse’s hand rested against his cheek and turned his face away so he didn’t instinctively get closer to the warmth. “How the hell can you say that it’s okay? I know what you did, McCree.”

Silence fell between the two of them. All Hanzo could hear was Jesse’s breathing and the occasional scratch of cloth against cloth. He didn’t dare look in Jesse’s direction lest Jesse be able to see just how _hurt_ Hanzo was by everything. Not angry, _hurt_. Sure, Hanzo was mad…there was no denying that…but hurt and betrayal were overriding everything else.

“Hon…I…that’s not something I wanted to do…” Jesse’s voice continued to be strained and hesitant. “I…I only passed it because th…they would have started hurting you again if I hadn’t…” There was a pause where he took a deep breath, seemingly to steel himself. “I care about you, Hanzo. I never wanted to hurt you.”

Hanzo didn’t know if he could believe that. He didn’t know what parts of what Jesse had said was truth, what parts were lies…he doubted he’d ever know. His heart felt like it was disintegrating into shards of ice - cold, stabbing, and damn near irreparable – and likely to melt away into nothingness. He’d had people stab him in the back before, but it had never hurt like this before. And deep down, he knew exactly why it hurt so much more than all those other times. Hanzo had let Jesse see the real him, Hanzo had opened up to him, he had let himself be vulnerable.  And while he wanted to deny it, while he wanted it to be false, Hanzo knew the reason it hurt so much was because he was in love with Jesse. _Trust me to be foolish enough to fall for someone who betrays me in the end. I’m fucking pathetic._

“You were just doing your job.” Hanzo’s voice was icy and he made his expression as neutral as he could manage. His voice was flat and devoid of emotion. “All of this was _just your job_.” He let the implication hang in the air. That everything they’d done was just an act on Jesse’s part. _I don’t want to act like this…I wish that just once things would go my way._

“Han, that’s not true! I care about you, that wasn’t an act!” Jesse moved to part of the room that Hanzo was staring at to try and force eye contact. Or at least to try and get a look at his face.

Hanzo wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe him more than anything, he wanted to believe that what they had was real…but… Everything was crumbling around him. So many people had lied to him in such a short period of time, so much was changing, and he just _couldn’t_ handle it. _I’m sorry…I love you…I just…I just don’t know what’s real and what’s fake…_

“You think I don’t know the act you put on?” Hanzo’s voice was shaking now from a combination of anger and hurt. “You think I haven’t used those exact techniques to extract information from a stubborn mark?” _This isn’t what I want to be saying…_ “It was foolish of me…” He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. He didn’t want to say it, that he was foolish to have thought that there was something special between the two of them.

“Darlin’, I wasn’t playin’ with you!” Jesse reached out and cupped Hanzo’s cheek.

“Don’t touch me!” Hanzo’s yell was sudden and far more commanding than one would expect of someone who had been held captive for god knows how long. His chest ached when Jesse recoiled, but Hanzo held himself together. He wasn’t going to show them how hurt he was, he absolutely refused.

“Hanzo…” Jesse’s tone was pleading – he held his hand out toward Hanzo, but didn’t touch this time. He was respecting Hanzo’s wishes. “This isn’t what I wanted, I didn’t want to hurt you, I promise. I was just doin’ my job!”

Hanzo arched as he tried to free himself from his binds once again. No dice. “What do you want from me? Do you want me to be okay with everything that happened?? With you selling me out to your bosses?” He yanked his wrists toward his body and bit back a yelp of pain when the binds didn’t yield. “I trusted you, I _love_  you. And you…you just…” His voice broke and he hated himself even more at that simple fact. Hanzo held his breath and closed his eyes tight to try and keep himself from breaking down. He refused to do so. He wouldn’t let himself.

Jesse didn’t respond this time. The only reason Hanzo knew he was still in the room was because he could hear him breathing. At least…he didn’t respond vocally. Footsteps came closer and Hanzo flinched when he felt warm, rough hands on his wrists. No pain followed, no, Jesse freed his wrists, and then his ankles. Then there was the sound of him shuffling several feet away – Jesse was still respecting Hanzo not wanting to be touched, to not have Jesse nearby.

That only made Hanzo’s heart hurt even more.

“I know you don’t trust me. I don’t blame you.” Jesse spoke in a voice that was difficult to read, a careful tone that Hanzo hadn’t heard from him yet. “I ain’t gonna make you stay here. Just…trust me for five minutes so I can getcha out of here.”

Hanzo sat up slowly and rubbed at his raw wrists. He supposed he wasn’t particularly surprised given how hard he’d been pulling. He wanted to trust Jesse…he really did. And if he was honest with himself, he _did_ trust Jesse. Even after everything, he did. But looking at Jesse made his chest ache and his blood run cold.

“Fine…” Hanzo got to his feet, though he kept his distance from Jesse.

Silence fell between the two of them, uncomfortable and stifling. It felt alien. Completely foreign. Hanzo hated it with every fiber of his being. This wasn’t what he wanted…

Yet at the same time there was part of him that knew that this would have happened no matter what. It was for the better that it happened _now,_ before Hanzo got too invested. _But I am invested…I…loved…no, I **love** him…I…_ He shook those thoughts away before they let out the tears that he was trying desperately to hold back. He would just rely on everything he’d been taught through his youth – hide his vulnerability, project strength, don’t let anyone see how much you’re hurting. That…and maybe if he ignored and hid his feelings they’d just go away…

“Ain’t gonna have much time. So jus’…just listen to me, okay?” His tone was so plaintive, so _hurt_ , that it made Hanzo’s chest ache even more.

Hanzo almost didn’t answer. It was so incredibly tempting to _not_ answer, but a thought kept swirling through his mind. _He doesn’t deserve me being a dick to him…_ “…okay.”

 He watched Jesse’s shoulders sag in relief. Hanzo felt his chest clench, it felt like his heart was in a vise. _I’m hurting him…_ He shook away the thought – now wasn’t the time. It wasn’t going to help anything, it would only make things worse…

“Good. Follow me, darl-…uh…Hanzo.”

The words hit like a punch and his breath hissed out of his lungs like he’d taken that hit. _This isn’t what I want…_

Hanzo followed after Jesse without a word. He didn’t like that they were flying by the seat of their pants, but he supposed they didn’t really have a choice. This was spontaneous. _This is likely to fail…_

The fact that Jesse was guiding him through the Deadlock compound without a second thought, without a word of trying to convince Hanzo to stay, without anything like that just made his heart _ache._ It made Hanzo wonder if _he_ was doing the right thing, if he should forgive Jesse… After all, Jesse was just doing his job.

Hanzo was in a fog through their entire trip through the compound. He knew he wasn’t going to remember any of it later, none of it sank in. Before he really knew it, they were outside. They looked like they were a good ways away from the compound and Hanzo had no idea how they got there. _Did I seriously let my guard down that much…?_

“I know it ain’t much.” Jesse seemed incapable of looking at Hanzo – his gaze was very purposely elsewhere. “But I can’t get you further than this. The bosses won’t notice you’re gone for a bit…you can get away easy.”

This was more than Hanzo would have ever expected. He had a decent head start on anyone who planned on trying to recapture him from Deadlock and he supposed he wasn’t particularly far from civilization. He might be weaker than usual due to his captivity, but he could handle a walk into town. From there he could find a way to get at some of his funds…and then he’d get back home…

“I know you’re mad…and you have every right to be…” Jesse kicked at the dusty ground. “But I’m sorry for what I did. I know that doesn’t excuse anything…but I’m sorry.”

_I want to forgive you…but…_ Hanzo couldn’t. Not yet, at least. Everything was too fresh. And he needed to get home, he needed to sort everything out. “Thank you for helping me escape.” _Good job, Shimada. Don’t even acknowledge that he apologized to you._

“I’ve got to get back…so…guess this is bye.”

Hanzo tried to speak, but it was like every bit of moisture from his throat evaporated. That…and he really wasn’t sure what he _should_ say. Every time he thought he thought of something, the words vanished a moment later. “Yes…I suppose it is.” He went quiet for several long seconds. “Goodbye, McCree.”

He finally managed to meet Jesse’s eyes again. Hanzo couldn’t really read his expression other than _pained_. And maybe a little regretful. “Yeah…” He sighed. “Bye Hanzo.”

And with that, Hanzo watched Jesse start back toward the Deadlock compound. With each step Jesse took away from him, it felt like his heart was being crushed down into nothing. It felt like one of those turning points, like if he didn’t do something now, if he didn’t _say_ something now, that he’d never get another chance. Hanzo knew he should do something, he knew he should _say_ something, _anything_. But he couldn’t get his legs to work, he remained rooted in place as all his senses blanked out.

Hanzo wasn’t entirely sure how long he stood still watching Jesse’s retreating back, it simultaneously felt like it was an instant and an eternity. By the time he came back to his senses, Jesse was gone. He wasn’t even a pinprick on the horizon. He was simply gone.

And Hanzo was alone.

He let out a shaky breath as everything he’d been trying to hold back started flooding to the forefront of his mind. Hanzo couldn’t stop staring in the direction of Deadlock, nor could he stop the crushing thought that he’d messed up. That he had messed _everything_ up. It hit like a truck – the realization that the man he was in love with had walked away, that he’d never see him again.

“I’m such an idiot…” Hanzo whispered as he continued staring in the direction of Deadlock. There was the stray thought that he could go after him – that things could be okay again. But even the thought of going back felt like the wind was knocked out of him. _There’s nothing I can say that will fix this anyway…_

Hanzo was free. He should feel better. He should feel _something_. But all he could feel was the weight of everything that had happened hanging on his shoulders and trying to drag him to the ground. All he could feel was that he’d fucked everything up. And that he’d done nothing to fix it.

He sighed and finally managed to turn away. He shouldn’t linger. Hanzo had to get home.

 

* * *

 

 

“Anija! Are you listening to me?”

Hanzo jumped at the sound of his brother’s voice and tried to play it off as nothing having happened. He knew it wasn’t successful, but he really didn’t care. Since getting home from the United States, Hanzo hadn’t really cared about anything. He’d basically been going through his daily life in a haze and he knew that the elders were getting irritated with him. And he knew that Genji was getting worried.

He should care more about that.

But he really didn’t.

It was like a switch was flipped in Hanzo’s mind. He went to America caring about everything and came back not caring about much of anything. Eating was a chore, getting out of bed was a chore (though he couldn’t really wiggle his way out of getting up), and doing anything related to the Shimada clan was a chore. Most people thought it was grief because of his father’s death, and he let the believe that. But that was only part of it, it really boiled down to what he found out while he was in America.

Hanzo hadn’t confronted the elders about the information Deadlock had spilled to him and wasn’t entirely sure _how_ to go about that. He didn’t think it would actually _do_ anything if he did wind up talking to them about it. He couldn’t even imagine how the conversation would go. _Ah, hello honored elders, I know you had my father killed and sent me to America so I wouldn’t be in the way of your plan._ Somehow he didn’t think that was going to go over well.

“Hanzo. You aren’t listening to me! This is important.” Genji’s voice had gone a bit more irritated, even a little plaintive.

Right.

When people were talking to him, Hanzo had to respond. It was polite to do so.

“Sorry. I am listening now, Genji.” Hanzo sighed and rubbed at his face. _Good job, Hanzo, spacing out while talking to your brother._ “What were you saying?”

“You haven’t been yourself since you got home…” Hanzo snorted back a bitter laugh at that comment. _That’s an understatement…_ He finally looked over at his brother and saw that his face was twisted in concern. His brows were knitted together and he looked like he was in pain. _He’s worried about me_. Hanzo felt his chest tighten uncomfortably at that thought and he found himself having difficulty meeting his younger brother’s eyes.

“Apologies. It was a trying experience.” Hanzo rubbed at his face and shot a weak smile in his brother’s direction. He knew it wasn’t a believable smile, but he was trying. For Genji, he would attempt to be himself.

“I really need to get us out of this place…” Genji muttered under his breath while running hands through his bright green hair. “This place is destroying us.”

For a moment, Hanzo thought he was hearing things. For a moment, it sounded like his sixteen-year-old brother was suggesting running away from home – from the Shimada-gumi. _I must have started daydreaming or something, Genji would never suggest…_

“…what do you think? Think we can get out of here…?”

_Oh god he actually **is** suggesting us running away from home._ Hanzo tried to get his thoughts to cooperate, to get his mouth to produce words. There was so much wrong with trying to escape – like the fact that they would be chased down for the rest of their lives. The elders weren’t going to let the heirs run away…they’d bring them back kicking and screaming. “…are you insane??”

_That wasn’t really what I meant to say…_

Genji just laughed and patted one of Hanzo’s hands. “Maybe a little. But…” His face shifted from that bright smile to something conflicted, worried, with a hint of nostalgia mixed in. “I remember how we were when we were younger…you’re my best friend, anija. You always have been. It kills me to see what they’re doing to you…”

Hanzo knew that wasn’t all from the elders, though. Yes, they were the ones doing the most damage to him…but…what had happened at Deadlock had taken a toll on him. Hanzo hadn’t told anyone about _everything_ that happened while he was held hostage, hell, the elders still hadn’t called Hanzo in to report everything that happened. He’d told Genji the basic details. But he hadn’t told _anyone_ about Jesse. His heart hurt too much to tell _that_ part of the story…

But now…

“It’s not all them.” Hanzo murmured while drumming his fingers on the table. “This time at least. I met someone while I was there…”

The reaction from Genji was exactly what Hanzo would expect from his younger brother – loud surprise and a light smack of disbelief. But that faded away to worry when it dawned on him that the person Hanzo met had to be from _Deadlock_. Only then did Hanzo tell Genji the story…only then did he tell _everything_ he’d learned. The entire time, Genji was fairly quiet. Any questions he asked, Hanzo answered to the best of his abilities. By the end of the story, any trace of amusement was gone from Genji’s face, all that remained was something akin to a storm cloud.

“…I’m still blaming the elders, anija. They put you in that situation all so they could…” Genji’s voice broke a little and he shook his head. It seemed that he wasn’t able to say that their father had been murdered. “Please Hanzo…let’s get away from this place. Let’s find freedom. Please.”

Hanzo stared at his younger brother, the desperate expression on his face. He was pleading with him. There were unspoken words there, but they rang clear to Hanzo: _let me save you._ There was part of him that immediately wanted to shoot his brother’s suggestion down – the part of him that was still firmly under the elders. But after everything that happened, all Hanzo wanted was to get away from _everything_. He didn’t want to be Hanzo Shimada. He just wanted to be Hanzo. He wanted to be free of his duties to the clan, he wanted to be able to experience life to its fullest. He wanted to _live_.  

“Okay…we…we’ll leave.” Hanzo whispered the words, terrified that if he said them any louder that terrible things would happen. That someone would immediately know. “…logic says we should plan…instinct says to leave now.”

If they made any plans, the elders were sure to find out. Hanzo wasn’t sure how they would, but they would. He knew it in his bones.

“Agreed.”

And with that, Hanzo and Genji started out of the Shimada manor. They only needed what they had on their backs. They would buy new phones, they would use their secret accounts for cash rather than anything else. They would be careful…Hanzo knew they could get away if they were careful.

A small bubble of hope started expanding in his chest. Hanzo could almost taste freedom. They could do this. They _were_ doing this.

 

* * *

 

 

They made it all the way to Tokyo before the Shimada caught up with them. Hanzo knew they had been careful, but they were still caught. It didn’t leave a good taste in his mouth, it made him feel so ashamed for even attempting to try and leave. The car ride back to Hanamura was dead silent and incredibly uncomfortable, made worse by the fact that Hanzo noticed that Genji was unable to meet his eyes. _I’m sorry Genji…_

 “Young master, the elders would like to speak with you.” One of the gruff yakuza brothers grunted out the words.

Hanzo’s heart sank even further. It was time to face the music for attempting to abandon his duties, for being a coward, for what happened in America. _I’m not ready for this…what am I supposed to do?_

Despite that thought, Hanzo exhaled slowly, pulled his shoulders back, and straightened up to his full height. He would not go before them as a scared teenager, he would go in front of them as who he was now – the leader of the Shimada-gumi. That’s how he would appear, even if it was just an act.

Hanzo wished that the walk to where the elders were would take longer, but it was only a few minutes. He wanted a little more time to get his thoughts and emotions under control, but that wasn’t in the cards. He took an extra moment to calm himself as he entered the room. The lights were dimmed and the room shadowy, but the silhouettes of the elders were plainly visible. None of their individual features were visible, though. It was like something out of the movies with how dramatic is was.

“It is good to see you well, young master.” One of the elders – Ito – said in a smooth, calm voice. Instead of putting Hanzo at ease, it made him more nervous than before. “You were away from us for some time.”

_Yes, and that was your doing…_ But Hanzo didn’t dare say that out loud. He bowed slightly, out of respect. “It is good to be home.” _That’s a lie…the only positive about being home is that Genji is here as support…_

Silence filled the room, stifling and heavy. Foreboding. Hanzo felt a chill go down his spine and the small hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

“If you are so glad to be home…why did you attempt to leave?” Another of the elders’ voices cut through the silence. Shibata’s tone was innocuous and curious. It made Hanzo’s skin crawl.

_I’m in big trouble…_ Hanzo wasn’t sure how to respond to that – he didn’t want to flat out admit that he wanted to abandon his duties and run away from his birthright. But he knew that lying to the elders would only make his inevitable punishment worse. He straightened up with his hands clasped behind his back. _If I’m in trouble…maybe now is the time to finally stand up for myself…_ “Because of facts I learned while I was in America, Shibata-san.”

That uncomfortable silence filled the room again. The tension was thick, enough so that Hanzo could practically _feel_ it hanging in the air. He knew this was a stupid idea, but if he didn’t make a stand now, he likely never would. His punishment would just be harsher than he initially anticipated…

“Is that so…?” Maeda’s voice rang out, taunting and with a challenge in it. “What did you discover?”

They were expecting him to back down. Hanzo could tell that much already. “That you sent me on a mission that was a set-up. That you sent me to America to accomplish things you knew I would not approve of.”

Hanzo wasn’t entirely sure how he was speaking so evenly, even if he had years of training and experience with public speaking, he never managed to be so bold in front of the elders. He had never challenged them like this before, he had always deferred to them.

“Be careful with your next words, young master.” When Hirano spoke, his voice was low and threatening – an attempt to get Hanzo to fall in line.

“You killed my father.” Hanzo bit out the words. “You sent me to America and then killed _my father_.” The words grew in volume, his voice slowly getting rougher. “Why? Why would you do that??”

Hadn’t his father been loyal to them for years? Hadn’t he put in service? Why did he deserve to be killed…?

“Now now…do not throw such heavy accusations around.” Ishida almost sounded reasonable, but there was something about his tone that made Hanzo feel sick. “Are you not pleased that you are the master of the Shimada clan now?”

Hanzo stared at them in disbelief – they wanted him to be happy that he was leader now? They wanted him to be happy that his father was _dead?_ He couldn’t bring himself to speak, it was like his vocal cords were frozen in place. He cleared his throat and exhaled slowly. “Not at the cost of my father’s life.”

The tension at the room was increasing more and more to the point that Hanzo felt he was choking on it. What he’d said obviously wasn’t what the elders wanted to hear. They wanted him to _thank them_ for what they’d done. For allowing him to become master of the Shimada at such a young age…

“So you choose to believe Deadlock over us…?” Maeda scoffed. “How foolish of you. They were only using you…they’ve sent us video of everything that happened.”

Hanzo’s brows furrowed at that – _everything?_ Certainly Maeda meant that Deadlock sent video of the interrogations, including the one where they threw that life changing information at his face. That had to be it…

“We trained you better, Hanzo.” Ito sighed and shook his head. “You know better than to fall into bed with an enemy. You should have known he was going to use you.”

_Oh no._

They knew.

They knew what Hanzo did with Jesse.

“How uncouth for the master of the Shimada clan to act in such a way…” Hirano’s voice cut straight down to Hanzo’s heart. “To be caught on _video_ while copulating with an enemy.”

Video.

Hanzo’s blood ran cold. The elders had seen everything. A humiliated blush was creeping across his cheeks and his breath was stuck in his throat. He didn’t know how to fix this, he didn’t know how to _handle_ this. He should have realized that they’d find a way to turn everything back around at him…

“It must be your brother’s influence on you causing you to act out in such unbefitting ways.” Shibata let out a sigh as he spoke the words – the implication that Genji and his behavior were shameful coming through loud and clear. “You bring shame to the Shimada.”

Hanzo recoiled like he’d been slapped. His face was getting hotter yet and his shoulders were crunching in a little. He hated that he was reacting like this, he hated that they still had such power over him…

He hated himself.

“I…I’m sorry…” Hanzo whispered the words and bowed again, eyes fixed on the ground rather than any of the elders.

“You will atone for what you have done. Correct your brother’s behavior, if he continues down this path, we will be forced to intervene.” Ishida’s voice was like a sledgehammer. The words sank in deep.

Hanzo didn’t want to know what their intervention meant…but if all he had to do was make sure Genji behaved a little more…

“As for your attempted rebellion…” Ishida continued. “We cut the little finger of those who have committed offenses against the clan…and it would be unfair and wrong to show lenience to the leader of the clan.”

Hanzo kept his deep bow, he was afraid to meet the eyes of any of the elders. His face was hot as he tried to hold in all of his emotions, as he tried to remain strong and stoic as was expected of him.

“You will not be running away again, young master.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the huge delay on this chapter, real life devoured me. 
> 
> I promise there's a happy ending to all of this, it just has to get worse before it gets better.


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